WHY am I so stupid?

Subj:
Why Have You Not Heard From Me?
Because I'm Stupid!

I've been “out” of A2K for many months now...

Why? Because I'm Stupid!

Why am I stupid? Because I don't know how to ask for help when I need it.

Why did I NOT ask for help? Because I'm “too proud” to ask for it, and would rather suffer in my ignorance than say, “Doh, I've no idea what I'm doing here, can you give me some advice to help me in my current situation?” I also thought (dumbie me!) that I was too busy to ask for advice on A2K. (Note: I am still too busy!)

Why do I need help? Because I am now a “manager,” for the first time in my life, and: I. HATE. IT.
I have had some well-paying positions in my (long) career, and I have studiously avoided management all of these years. I thought I might hate it, as I actually do now.

Why have I avoided management? Because the people I knew and worked with in management were miserable. They worked longer hours and “took work home,” apparently losing sleep over their jobs, whereas I, a simple line worker, could leave my work at 5 PM and resume it at 8 AM the next day.

Why did I become a manager, at 48 years old? Because I couldn't find, in this crappy economy and rural area, any other part-time job.

Yes, you read that right: Part-time! I consider myself, at 49, to be partially retired. I am only available for part-time work. I gave up full-time work 13 years ago, when I got married and figured out how to live cheap without children (whom I never wanted anyway).

Why am I asking you all for help now? Because I just thought of it. No kidding. I'm stupid, for all that I could join Mensa tomorrow.

I've suffered and fretted and been miserable and ignorant since last May, when my former boss called me and said, “I want you to do the job I did last year, managing this county [for a tutoring company]. You'll do great at it.”

I recall clearly that I replied, “I'm sorry, I thought X really wanted this job last tutoring season?” She said, “Oh, X has moved out of the area.”

OK.

Then I said, “Er, actually, I've been looking for a year-round job, and tutoring does not supply that.”

She said, “Oh, from now on we'll have a year-round presence in your county.”

Then I said, “Er, actually, I only want to work part-time, not full-time.

She said, “Actually, you would only have to work part-time, maybe 20-25 hours per week, on this job. Will you do it?”

And I thought, Well, heck, my Unemployment will not allow me to turn down a job, so I'd better take it. So I said, “Let me think about it.” (This was last May, 2010.)

I said: “I'll call you back in a day or two and let you know my decision, after I talk to my husband about it.”

Yeah, well, I actually did talk with my husband, and we actually did spend about an hour going over the pluses and minuses of this job, and I actually did accept the job, two days later... to my sincere regret.

Had I been smart, I would have posted to A2K, over 5 months ago, and asked, “Holy Crap, how do I become a manager, when I've never been one before, and never wanted to be one?”

Instead, I was stupid, and decided to “go it alone,” which has always been my way. Since then I have suffered unnecessarily, in my opinion, without the help of my bestest-ever online friends.

Why? Because I'm stupid... oh, wait, no... because I don't like to ask for help when I need it.

The result? Well, several small, in a world-view, disasters. Bad employees, nasty situations, sleepless nights, fear, sweating, and of course... loathing. In Florida.

Help me now, please?

I've never been a manager of others before. I never wanted to manage others before. Now I'm stuck managing others. I hate it, I'm not suited to it, and I've done it for some 5 months now, because I can't find another job.

I hired a complete nut, who in this past week has frightened both my husband and myself with his craziness. Despite the fact that he's been outright fired by MY boss, he continues to plague me.

I've worked over 40 hours per week in the past two weeks... Me, who never wanted to work more than 20 hours/week in her life again.

I'm just now joining local business groups/associations, where I plan to ask for (lots of) advice. My company did not pay for these memberships previously, but is now all over them, since we can now either do it or go under in this area.

Oh, yeah, and I'm stupid because I had never thought, until this moment, that I have rather old friends on A2K. People who “know me,” people who have a LOT more experience at this sort of thing than me, people who might actually give a small flying **** about my pathetic “career.”

So, I ask you, how do I manage 8+ people, and do well at it? (Sorry I'm so late asking!)

Cute cat and dog photos/videos will, at some point, follow this post. After all, they're about as important as this post. At least to me.