Strange Feelings

Sounds a little like this song:



Anyway, talking about wanting to die for a friend? It is perhaps a lovely thought to you (and I am mindful of your age, and how both genders are exceptionally dramatic then), but dontcha think that's a little, er, much?

I think you are kinda lacking in the self-esteem department if this is what you want out of a friendship. Or, at least, if it's what you would tolerate. Most of us become and remain friends with people who essentially make us feel good or better. That does not mean that they don't tell us the unvarnished truth at times -- and sometimes that can hurt. But they don't do it to hurt us, but to help us.

Am I making sense to you? Friendship is not about laying down and letting someone walk on you. That's not being a friend. That's being a doormat.

I suspect you're obsessing on this girl. Perhaps you feel she is very cool, or that her life is more interesting or romantic or dramatic than your own. I am not saying this sexually, but it is a bit like a crush. Which means that the standard crush advice applies -- think of and do other things, occupy your time and try not to obsesss, and recognize that the crush will pass.

i rate that as the best love song ever written

I do remember what that was like, those intense female friendships. I had one that from today's perspective I can't believe I put up with for five minutes.

It wasn't really a self-esteem thing either -- my self-esteem was pretty healthy. She was just a really skilled manipulator in the way that only 13-year-old girls can be skilled manipulators. She was brilliant and spending time with her, when I was favored, was intense and fantastic. (But when I wasn't favored...)

Linda, I recommend a book called "Cat's Eye" by Margaret Atwood. It was probably the single thing that opened my eyes the widest about the friendship I have in mind.

http://www.amazon.com/Cats-Eye-Margaret-Atwood/dp/0385491026

I think you're probably further along than I was in recognizing that something was weird. I didn't really fully get it until I read the book.

As for how I got out of it... it was gradual and past when I realized that things were off. I got involved in sports (she wasn't) and made new friendships from that. I generally tried to be more conscious and aware and not put up with her ****. And we drifted apart. And I didn't have another relationship as toxic as that, ever (male or female).

Wonderful song! Maybe my fave Smiths song, and that's a big call.

I think it's more about teenage infatuation and token rebellion than actual love, but I still kind of agree.

Anyway, who told you 'merrycans about the Smiths. We (the rest of the world) hadn't planned on you finding out about them yet.

oddly enough my name is joe (but that ain't me in the video)

Bugger, I thought Canada was at least close to North America.

Someone who kicks and blackmails you is definitely not your friend. You need to think about why you feel it's ok for someone to treat you like that - whoever it is. I wonder if there's someone you trust like a teacher or a school counsellor that you can talk to about this who might help you gain some insight and also help you see that you are worth so much more than this. This 'crush' (or whatever we want to call it will pass - really!) but it worries me that if you think so little of yourself as you get older you will end up being very badly hurt - emotionally and maybe physically as well.
I think it would also be a good idea to spend more time with your other friend and with other kids you know.
PS: I just realised that you are the same girl who has been worrying about her weight... I am really sorry that you have so little regard for the wonderful, lovable person I'm sure you are.

thanks but I think I worked out the problem between us andbtw I am only friends with people who accept me. I don't really chase after people. thanx for ur help anyway

thankx. sounds helpful but it's going to b difficult to leave her

thanx. =)

well she kinda black mailed me by the way. It was that she would tell someone if I didn't eat! so this forced me to eat. I guess it was for my own benefit. she only kicks me because we like to fight each other as friends like a hobby. kinda like karate or judo. I think I made her sound kind of bad because I was angry at the time I wrote it but she is not to bad. makes me jealous because she is really pretty

Ok . I'm glad if it's not as bad as you made it sound - and that your friend is keeping an eye on your eating. I really understand about feeling jealous of pretty friends - I definitely felt like that all the way through school ... but you know you have a problem with your body image and I wonder if you have the same problem being objective about how pretty you are!? I bet you're prettier than you think. Anyway, being born pretty is just the luck of the genes - it's all the other things that you do that are important. The happiest people I know aren't the prettiest (or the richest) they always seem to be the people who have passion for something - art, sport, music or whatever. I know my daughter (who's only a bit older than you) always worries about her friends who don't have their own 'thing' - which I guess is what I mean.

BTW, people who are pretty in High School don't always stay that way. After my High School reunion last year, a woman who I swear was THE hot girl when we were in High School messaged me on Facebook for help losing weight. Lil ole me, who had few dates in High School (and is happily married, BTW -- High School does not define you!).

Hang in there.

Hi Linda,

when my daughter was 13 years old ( she's 15 now) she also had a toxic BFF just
like you. As a mother I could see that this is a train wreck waiting to happen, but
my daughter did not see it at the time. In her case it wasn't as much as her BFF
treating her badly, she just encouraged her to do things that would bring them
into trouble in school.

It took a while for my daughter to realize that she'll have more trouble than
benefits if she continues being friends with that girl. One day it clicked and
Jane (my daughter) learned that the other girl was jealous of her and deliberately tried to cause her ill will and get her into trouble. Jane actually felt sorry for the girl, she had no anger towards her, but the spell was gone and their friendship was over - thank goodness!

Perhaps you can sit down and try to analyze your best friends behavior
and ask yourself why she's doing this. If you cannot come up with an answer
yourself (although I am sure you will), go and ask her! Chances are that
she is jealous of you and has very little self esteem herself.

I have asked her many times and she say that there is nothing wrong. but I think she's lying

I think so too! In any case, try to analyze her behavior for yourself and see
what you come up with and then stick to it.

believe me i am trying

Good girl! Now, were you mine (daughter) I'd take you shopping for that.
You see, my daughter actually discusses such things with me and she might not
agree with me at first, sooner or later, she comes around - and then we go shopping! Try talking to your Mom, Linda!

that's would b cool I hardly go shopping lol