how do i "find" myself? (this is quite long... brace yourselves!)

Hey Curiouscat - I could have pretty much written that as a description of my family when I was seventeen (except I was the third of six, not the youngest of five) and my mother was the one who'd had a hard childhoold -though gentle and nurturing like your mother, and my father had had the wonderful childhood and he was the one working all the time, traveling the world for his job and seeming sort of distant and demanding - BACK THEN.

And I say BACK THEN (when I was seventeen) to give you hope. In terms of his relationship with you, you might think, 'Oh, that's just the way he is - such a hardass - only cares about work, doesn't even seem to know me or see me sometimes,' -but you can believe and know that can change.

You know, your dad's got five kids and a wife to support and probably a really busy, stressful job. This will inform who he is and how he relates to people. But as you get older and his life changes (retirement) he probably will too. He'll have more time to spend with you and get to know you. Maybe if you talked about it with him right now - he'd tell you that. A lot of men, especially those who are responsible for the welfare of a big family. feel that they have to be strong and silent about their sadnesses, regrets and worries. They have to be the ones everyone else has to rely and depend upon - they can't allow themselves to complain, and sometimes their worry comes out in anger - or doesn't seem to come out at all - they just hold everything in.

But again, just to give you hope, I'll tell you that for the last twenty years of his life, after my father had worked all those years, paid all those college tuitions (which your dad is probably right in the middle of doing right now- can you imagine being responsible for paying all the bills AND putting five kids through college?) , has paid for all the weddings - life got slower paced and easier and he became my other best friend (along with my mother - who'd always been).

As far as you're concerned and the 'neediness' you sound worried about - I'd say, find your passion. What do you like to do? Where do want to go? You can make a life out of that you will find enjoyable and fulfilling so that you won't feel disappointed and needy. But you're the only one who can do that for yourself.
And as far as being a doormat - this is your time to make decisions that are only right for and about you. Take this time to do what's right for you.
You can't depend upon anyone else to do it for you. And you're right at the jumping off point for all of that. It can seem scary, I know, but it's worth it to take the plunge.
First thing to do is, think about where you want to live as a college student or working adult and make it happen-and you're lucky in that it sounds like you have a supportive family who will be behind you all the way.
So just believe that you can do it. Good luck!

Hello! You are very wise for your age. You know what you are, what you want and what bothers you. Good for you!!

Please continue to explore this ovewhelming feeling of neediness. You must go down into the deep water and find out WHY you seek validation from other people. I ask that you do this because this deep need will affect your choices in the future - your school life, friends, loves and how you live your life.

Many children were not raised by both father and mother, or do have them and they are awful parents. Sometimes parents will cling to their child, making them afraid of the outside world. Some children feel abandoned by their parent(s) or pick up their fears and hangups for their own.

So you have to start with YOURSELF for just TODAY and try to figure this out.

Do you have an adult to talk to? I don't mean your mother. She is not a therapist and you need someone to really talk to about this.

Good luck!

how do i "find" myself?

have you checked behind the couch, 'cause that's where i find most lost stuff

u had better find somewhere else to post ur crap replies,its not needed here.

Thata girl!

When you ask a bunch of strangers for their opinions on something personal, you gotta deal with the serious as well as the comical. Chill out a bit. Take the good stuff to heart and laugh at the funny. It will make you feel better.

Personally, I got a good laugh out of djjd's reply. But then, I am a clown so what do you expect.

I'm with you Rat.
A person puts out their comments for literally millions of complete strangers to see, and doesn't like it when they get an answer they don't appreciate?

Posting here is the same difference as standing on a street corner and talking to people who walk by.
It's not up to you who is going to answer.

But, you are only 17! At 18 I was facing pregnancy and an unwed mother's home. Maybe you could talk with other 17-year-olds, see how they cope with much worse.

Believe me when I say some day (real soon) you won't need a daddy. He doesn't abuse you, dislike you? Not being around because he travels (in his job?) is the story of lots of dads and, usually, it's the dad who later feels he's missed out.

Start a journal and begin with a list of all the things for which you feel grateful. Try to understand why you are obsessing on the negative. A new book just recently published, Freedom by Jonathan Franzen, could help you to see you don't really have it so bad, at least not yet. Hang in there. Talk with a counselor.

That's may be a fair assessment, CR, but you don't think that it's too much to ask to have to deal with infantile and facile.

These feelings you have are perfectly normal for your age. You are at that point of independence but worrying how hard it's going to be. Normal. It's scary, very scary, but also exhilarating.

This is the time to start making some of your more long-term goals. What field of study you would like to pursue, where best to do that and where you would like to live while doing it. Try not to let this stress you out too much. Majors can be changed and moving kind of sucks but it's not the end of the world. I tend to recommend moving away for school. It lets you get out on your own and see different places that will help you decide other aspects of your future. Of course everyone needs to choose his or her own path there.

The most important piece of advice I can offer is to not let others make these choices for you. Take their opinions in and digest them but make sure that you do not base your life decisions on the wants of those around you.

I was very much in the same mental state as you are at that age. I am a strong person and I knew what I wanted, but I also gave too much of myself and let people walk on me as a result. I would always do whatever it took to make everyone else happy and for a time that made me happy. It wasn't until I was at your age and tried to make some of these big life choices that realized just how much of a trap I had prepared for myself. Instead of doing what my heart wanted I kept compromising until my dream had been replaced with my mothers and my fathers and my boyfriends. There was barely any of me left in it and I don't lie when I say that that set me back over five years of personal growth and achievements. In the end I ended up hurting my parents feelings and estranging myself from my fiancé' just to get back on track with what my heart had been screaming to me the whole time.

Now both of my parents are like what you describe your mother to be. Both were and are always there and always supportive of me. When I say I replaced my dream with theirs I don't mean to say they refused to support my dream. I just knew that they wanted certain things for me (all parents do) and I bent my dream around the wants and ideas they hoped I would have. If your parents are as supportive as they sound they will support YOUR dream. You just have to be un-afraid about letting them know what it really is.

About your feelings for your dad, that is something that is harder to advise on. Up until junior high my father was almost physically absent. He worked 7 days a week 16 hours a day just to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. He used to lament how he watched us grow up sleeping. We were still asleep when he left in the morning and in bed by the time he got home. We were always best friends, though. After he changed jobs and was home every night and weekend we became even closer.

My only thought is to talk to him. Go out of your way to coax him into a conversation. Tell him some of the feelings that you shared with your mom. He will eventually have more time when all of you are grown and out of the house, and honestly you can become closer to someone by living farther away. I know how hard my dad worked and it was just me and my brother, I can't imagine how much harder it is with as many siblings as you have.

It may be as easy as giving him a thank you card and telling him how much you appreciate all he's doing, but you miss him. You can set up a time in his schedule to go have lunch together. It's not a bad thing to make a date with your dad.

Sorry, this ended up being longer than I thought.

Two responses to that one.

First, if you don't want to deal with infantile and facile, then don't ask total strangers in an open forum questions that would be better asked of people who actually know you and whom you can trust.

Secondly, I'll repeat that you just have to have a bit of a sense of humor. I'd bet that 90% (yeah, I made that stat up, so what?) of the threads on A2K eventually have a silly comment made on them. Dys is really good at that for one. But sometimes a little laugh can help lessen the tension and remind us all, including the original poster, that sometimes you gotta take a step back and laugh at life.

So when you post here, you accept the comments that are made. One should weed through the serious advice and decide what to accept and read and enjoy those funny little asides that are periodically posted. Just to keep problems in proper perspective, you know?

Also, the mom could be providing a pity party for this young person. One strong kid this sort of practice does not make.

Can you say, Able2know, CR? Yes, humor is grand, but the kid was asking a serious question. Is it too much for an adult to be an adult once in a blue moon?

If ya dish it out, ya gotta be willing to take the feedback. I think CuriousCat set djjd straight and I think that djjd knows it.

I had a similar relationship with my mother growing up so I know how much you value her strengths. One day a counselor suggested that perhaps my mother wasn't doing us quite as much good as we gave her credit for. I was furious! How dare this person think my mother wasn't the perfect mother. Over the course of many years, however, I've come to think the counselor may have been right -- or at least more right than I was willing to grant at the time. Is it possible that your mother treats her children like adult friends because she doesn't have your father around much? She's an adult and needs adult conversation. In some way, I'm not sure she's doing you any favors by blurring the parent/child/adult friend lines.



Yep, I get that too. He's only able to parent with the tools he has. His upbringing will have a lot of influence over how he interacts with you and your siblings.



I don't wonder. You're looking for a traditional parent -- something neither of your parents have given you.




Ah... you rescue others. You're rescuing others while you persecute yourself for not being satisfied with what you have. Rescuing and persecution are closely related opposites. Folks who do this sometimes apply them to the same person (persecute someone so they can rescue them), some find different outlets for the two emotions/traits.

None of my observations are meant as an attack on you, your mother, or your father. Let's just say I've walked a mile or two in your shoes.