How to discipline my daughter

I have a 9 year old and my husband and I were just talking about this last night.

It's a source of stress that we have to nag her, on both sides. (We don't like nagging, she doesn't like being nagged.)

We talked to her about freedom and responsibility -- that we're happy to give her more freedom (especially, not nag her) if she takes on more responsibility.

I think you can do some natural consequences stuff too, depending on the situation. For example, if she won't eat, don't force it and just make sure there are healthy options for her to eat when she does get hungry... because she will.

I was also just talking to a friend who has a daughter the same age about how this is a really boundary-pushing phase. We were talking about it in terms of ending playdates/ social get-togethers -- they push, and push, and push, in a way they didn't used to.

At any rate, what you describe seems like it could be quite normal developmentally. I want to be careful to say that doesn't mean that nothing else is going on. She may well be stressed, etc., and this could be a symptom of it. But all by itself, what you describe seems pretty normal for that age.

Meanwhile, try not to yell, definitely don't beat her, and try to be very clear about expectations and consequences. Yet another friend (really, it seems rampant at this age) realized she kept bailing out her daughter when she would forget her homework at home (the mom would run it to school for her). The mom told her daughter look, I'm done doing this, you have to remember or else face the consequences. Her daughter forgot, again, and the mom didn't do anything about it, and the daughter felt terrible about not having her homework that day, but has been better about it since.

I have a 9 year old son and my attitude is don't sweat the small stuff.

If his room is a mess, big deal, it's his room. I just shut the door. He likes me to come in his room to read at night and he knows I won't if his room is a big mess so he keeps it fairly clean.

He has to come to the table at dinner time whether he decides to eat or not is up to him. He knows that once the dishes are done that the kitchen is closed.

I think these are the kind of decisions that a 9 year old should be able to make on their own.

I will try that" natural consequences" thing.Meanwhile I have prepared a timetable for her.We will see whether it give her some self discipline.Thank you for sharing your experience.

I agree this is "normal" behavior for the age. It certainly doesn't make it any easier though. I think others have given you some good advice already. The only think I would add is they do grow out of this.

I have an 8 and an 11 year old. The 8 has become (for lack of a better term) a little brat. Talking back, not doing what I tell her, etc. She was sweet (and sometimes can still be - she will often times say she is sorry that she was naughty several hours later), but she has changed quite a bit recently. My older daughter has matured out of this stage. And when I tell her it is time to go brush/clean your room/bring the dog out - more often than not, she simply says, "Ok, mommy." whereas the younger one will sulk and talk back.

And yes, my older daughter used to do the same thing as her younger sister when she was 8.

It reassures me to hear about these 9 yr olds.May be I should stop nagging her and let her deal with it.

Thank you for sharing.

Stop the nagging.

Hang a TO DO chart and she can check it off by herself. No checks? No TV, phone, computer, etc.

As far as eating, back off. Sit down and prepare a menu for dinner of things SHE likes and get her involved in the kitchen. Otherwise, like someone said, the food is on, either eat it or the kitchen closes.

She seems very distracted and under stress. What is happening at home? Kids this age get stressed out about school and sometimes need a few weeks to settle down.

The main thing is to stop yelling. Home should be calm and loving and a place where she can re-energize.

I will try that. I was worried that may be she conceals her feelings inside and gets stressed.She is living with me.Her father visits once in a month at school.She seems not attached with him.He is not affectionate.School is not stressful at all.She likes to go to school.She says some of her classmates say she is a spoiled child as she gets whatever she wants from me or her father.She says this and is in tears very often.May be I am imagining all these.She is a normal 9 year old from what others say here.

Well, it's very possible that this particular thing is normal, but she still is in fact stressed.

For example, I'm not sure it's normal for her to be "in tears very often."

I can think of another reason. I am away at work on all days from 6.30 am to 7 pm.She says she is not getting me with tears when we go to sleep most of the days. When I am at work it is my stepmother who is at home.My daughter says she scolds her unnecessarily.

Wow, that's a lot of time away. That must be hard for both of you.

I'm sorry you're in that situation.

I miss many things .Actually traveling takes 2 and a half hours one side.It's hard.But this is the only possible thing now.It is taking much of my time with her.I will be so tired when I come back and not getting much time to be with her..

That sounds like a tough situation and I'm sure with such limited time with her you'd rather spend that time enjoying her company than nagging her. Like others, I have kids that seem to need to be nagged. If I find myself repeating the same instruction to one of my kids (8 and 10) more than twice then I stop and look at what I'm doing. Often, I'll shout an instruction and then go take care of something else -- start the coffee, go to the bathroom, pack lunch, etc... -- then return and shout another instruction. Before I know it, I've given them three or more things to do and they haven't done anything, which is even more frustrating. So I stop, give them one instruction, and wait right there until I see some action. That usually gets the ball rolling. Mornings are the worst.

Then there is also the scenario Soz mentioned where we bail them out when they forget something. If I notice we're doing that a lot then I have a talk with them and let them know I won't continue to do it. They usually mess up once more and then magically find a way to not forget important things anymore. I remember my sister complaining about her older daughter (highschool age at the time) and how she had to nag her in the morning to get her out of bed. I told her to buy her an alarm clock and leave her alone. She missed the bus once after that and never again. My point, I guess, is that this is a period of changing hands in terms of responsibilities for kids.

Messy rooms have always been a problem but since my son lives for the weekend sleepover we use that as leverage. He certainly can't have guests over if his room is a mess.

Therapy is always prescribed in cases of divorce... Fortunately I know everything, so don't bother... How are grades and relationships with peers??? What happened to your relationship... Are you personally neat, and was your mate a slob??? What is your relationship like now with your ex, and what is you daughters relationship to her father like??? I guess this is my way of saying you do not give enough information... My understanding is, and here I may be wrong, that a lot of what is called borderline personality disorders begin to show up around puberty, but there is a problem that many of such children mature biologically but are trapped in childhood... Best wishes...

Reading on I see her relationship with peers is trouble... I see that her father has his own emotional troubles, mainly disconnection, to deal with, and he may be a carrier... I think I am a carrier, too... Always had something of bi-polar, and add, and borderline personality... Big genetic componant to it..

A thought I had (as we continue to deal with my own kid) is that aside from these kids' attitudes per se, this is a transitional age. There was no question of getting a kindergartener up on time and ready for school -- they couldn't do it on their own. (When I was on the PTO, I was impressed by the principal's response to some teachers who were complaining about tardiness amongst their 1st and 2nd graders. He said that while he sympathized, there was not much he was willing to do about it because at that age it's about the parents, not the kids. And he didn't want to punish the kids for what their parents did or failed to do.)

And there's no question with a senior in high school -- they can and should do it on their own.

At this age though, they're capable of much more but they still need a lot of help and parenting, too. So that can be frustrating for both parent and child as that's negotiated.

I don't think it's unusual for 9 year olds to be "whiney" and "needy" - there's a lot of push and pull at that age.

Things are different now. They say the 10 year old today is the 15 year old of the past. If that's so, she may be pre-menstral.

"Raising an Optimistic Child" is a good book that helped me years ago with issues involving an 8 year old boy. (Optimistic means confident and caring in this book and has a great discussion on "false happiness" that comes from having too many possessions and not feeling really loved. We used the "Nasty Ned" technique to deal with his back talk.) Can't remember author.

PS He's 22 now and just got deployed to Iraq in the National Guard. Great guy.

Please do not frighten me.My ex was ,I am sure having some personality disorder..selfish,..paranoid...violent at times..manipulative..impulsive...unloving..uncaring..sadistic..torturing..are some of the words which can describe him...I was fed up..I escaped from him.I was the "suffering Susan " for 6 years with him.He never cared for me or his daughter when we were together.But we were actually never together.He came home once in 5-6 months..then quarrel with me take all the money and disappear for a period again.My daughter was 4 years when we separated.After divorce he suddenly seemed to want to see his child..And demanded to see her once in a month.I didn't want my daughter to be ruined by this psycho..So I insisted that it should be only in the presence of teachers.Now he visits every month ,brings her lots of chocolates junk foods and sometimes clothes..I don't know what he is up to.Not anything good I am sure.Whenever he visits he tells her something to torture her.Once he said I am not her mother.and she is an orphan.She believed it for some days and sadly asked me whether it was true.Actually I don't know what to do.Advise me if you can.

Fido, you might be bi-polar and biologically challenged, but how dare you
give off diagnoses of a 9 year old kid you know absolutely nothing of? Do not project your your problems onto others!

Sandra, my daughter is 15 years old and she still has to be reminded of her
chores, and if I don't make breakfast for her, she'd leave the house without it.
When she was 5 years old, she would clean up her room nicely - now, it looks
like a bomb has exploded. Clothes are everywhere and her bed is barely made.
It's a phase kids go through and things will shape up.

You spend so little time with your daughter, Sandra, don't sweat the small stuff, just spend some quality time with her, and please do not beat her, please don't! Every child needs discipline, yes, but with you being gone such long
hours, it's almost impossible for you to discipline her on a daily basis.
Just let it go, comfort her and make her feel loved and secure. She needs that more than anything from you. Good luck!