Milk, Bread, and Batteries Saves Lives

Boston, MA-

This past weekend, the Boston area was hit with a record snowstorm, dumping over 20 inches of snow in the city and in surrounding areas.

Over 4000 people died.

President George Bush flew into Boston to console the public and the families of the victims. "Make no mistake about it...this is a very serious situation, and we won't stand to let this whore, mother nature, take any more lives. I have a zero tolerance for her to come into our land and take our people from us. People, we have a war on our hands. And now I need you to use your OWN weapons of mass destruction against these horrific snow attacks: Milk, bread, and batteries. That's right. Next time we hit the orange level of alert for a Mother Nature attack, go to your local grocery store, and stock up as much milk, bread and batteries as you can. Milk, bread and batteries saves lives. That's New England's new motto."

When asked to comment, 58 year old Helen Wate told the Globe "Oh my lawd, it was unreal. Snow just everywheres. Thank heavens I had 10 packages of DD batteries. I mean, jesus, I didn't use one of the sonafabitches, but knowing I would have died if I didn't buy them, that's assuring."

22 year old Sully from East Boston had this to say "get that f'n microphone away from my face, you stupid piece of sh*t. What the hell is milk going to do?"

The lines to the grocery stores are already tedious, even after the storm has passed. Store manager of Fenway's Star Market, Poindexter McSwiggins, commented "we've already bought stockpiles of milk, bread and batteries for the winter. Some of these stupid old women are even buying expired milk, and saving it for next storm. It's great. I don't see how "milk bread and battteries saves lives," but it's sure great for business. We've even got some big banner out with the expression."

This just in: the 4000 people, mostly middle aged women, didn't die from lack of milk bread and batteries...it was actually because they were trying to drive in the snow to the store, to buy...milk bread and batteries, crashed, and died. GWB is still calling it a war, claiming "we must finish what we started."