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How do I best support my boyfriend with the loss of his father?

 
 
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2010 12:04 am
My boyfriends father, who he is tremendously close with, had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer. It has now become known that he has forgone chemo therapy, is in renal failure and has only a short while left. I have only been experienced to being the one in mourning (three of my grand parents, 3 relatives to suicide and recently my best friend also to suicide) but not to the support of a loved one who has experienced the profound loss of a loved one. I know I have the knowledge of what I don't want people to say, but I love the man I am with and want to best support him in anyway I can. Any advice on the subject would be appreciated
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William
 
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Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2010 04:34 am
@ideal808,
ideal808 wrote:

My boyfriends father, who he is tremendously close with, had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer. It has now become known that he has forgone chemo therapy, is in renal failure and has only a short while left. I have only been experienced to being the one in mourning (three of my grand parents, 3 relatives to suicide and recently my best friend also to suicide) but not to the support of a loved one who has experienced the profound loss of a loved one. I know I have the knowledge of what I don't want people to say, but I love the man I am with and want to best support him in anyway I can. Any advice on the subject would be appreciated


Tremendously close? What do you mean? How close? Is you boyfriend dependent on his Father still, and how old it your boyfriend? Is he acting “tremendously” sad?

William
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2010 07:30 am
@ideal808,
Well, I'd say, use your own experiences -- certainly you have an understanding of what he might not want to hear (some people are comforted by expressions like "God called him back" whereas others are repulsed by that and it hurts them) and little acts that you can do which might be quietly comforting (e. g. if you run the errands for one week, food and clean laundry magically appear, sometimes that is a huge relief for people -- even though they could have done it themselves you are still helping them out in a big way).

But also recognize that your experiences are not universal -- no one's are -- so what works for you may not work for him, no matter how well you know and understand him. So I would say -- talk. He may or may not want to talk about things now. But let him know that you are available when he does want to express himself.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2010 07:54 am
Just be there. Help out the family with errands, food, thank you notes, transportation, etc.
They are all numb from shock and it will take a while for it all to sink in.
He will need you later.
Just tell him you are there and if there's anything he needs . . .
Find out about grief groups in the area that he/they can attend in about 3 months.
Good luck, but get some professional help resources for the family if he or any other member shows that they need extra guidance.
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