I am committed to save my Marriage

Firstly - welcome to A2K, even though it's under circumstances that aren't the best.

Do you guys belong to a church? If you do, then you could go for counseling with your pastor(s). Beyond that, I would say that you guys communication must be there if anything's going to be 'saved'.

First I think the 2 of you need to get clear what her issues are with you and work from there. If she feels you're abusive, then if you don't KNOW how you're abusing her, that needs to come to light and be worked out.

If she means that much to you...fine out what you have done that she is calling mental abuse? Listen to her intently and take it to heart.

It could be anything from no affection, attention or sympathy. It can be the little things that you find normal behavior to you... that have bothered her for the longest. Take it from someone that is there ...at this moment. A 16 year relationship with a man that is emotionally closed off to those things I mentioned.

And whatever it maybe that she's calling mental abuse, if you want to save your marriage, dig deep in your heart to find a way to do differently, cause if the changes don't come from within there, they don't mean anything to her in the end.

Good luck..

Mr no-name, I am glad that you are committed enough to be calling counselors. But, I think you should try to find the $ to have more than 1 visit. I think most counselors would want to see you several times before deciding whether the marriage was salvagable or not.

I agree with littlek, was going to say something similar. There are some things that are worth money, and this seems to be one of them. Even if you don't have it.

In practical terms, though, have you checked with your employer? There is often some sort of coverage for counseling.

I have a friend who is a marriage and family counseler and she does take occasional clients at something like ten dollars an hour (not sure of the amount, haven't talked to her about it lately), through some sort of clinic. You might give a look in the yellow pages if you are in a city. Perhaps even call a regular health clinic and see if they have any recommendations for Marriage and Family Counselers that might have a low income based fee.

Often marital trouble has two people being the problem...
whatever you have done or said, it is a problem too that she is just letting you know now. I am sympathetic to both of you, from what you say.

Someone else on this forum may know more possibilites.

No counselor worth his or her salt is going to tell you two that your marriage has no chance, and if they do, don't go back to that one. Religious type counselors are just that, so if you guys aren't religious you probably won't feel the advice will be effective.

As is often the case, I see a communication breakdown. If emotions are running high making it hard to discuss the issues, write down what you want to say and give it to her in person, she can do the same for you. It isn't the greatest way to communicate but it beats nothing. It's no time to give up or throw everything into a counselors hands hoping for a miracle.

Be honest with yourself, if her claim is the crux of the matter you are surely aware of her concerns. If you are truly puzzled by her sudden decision to move out, this may not be the real issue or could be one of a few. When someone is beginning to communicate reasons for issues, that may lead to a feared confrontation, there are usually one or two lesser reasons given before the ultimate one is finally admitted. This is not necessarely dishonesty, it's just fear of unknown results.

I hope you do find answers and if I come up with any avenues for couseling, I will post or e-mail you.

Thank You all.
Thank You all for your responses.

I will try to find a resonably priced counselor. I will 1st. contact some medical clinics and next I will contact a couple of churches. We have no insurance just work comp on me and medical on us both but. no coverage for rehab or counseling etc. I am self employed but just making ends meet. Our children "Hers from a Previous Marriage" are adult age now so not really a factor in all of this. They can't help financially as they both have children and just finished Post high school training.We don't belong to a church, we are one of those "go to church on Holiday's born again christians"
I have 26 days left to respond to the Marriage dissolution papers served on me I have asked her to put this on hold but she is letting this keep going for the moment. I don't want to run out and retain a $1500-$2500 attorney at $150-$200 per hr. until it might reach litigation in court. I want to contest most of what they are asking for, Can someone step me through how I would answer the court and buy me time to talk her out of this so I am not in default in 30 days?

Mr. No-Name- Did you say that you have a fifteen year relationship, and have children who have completed post high school training, and have their own children? Were ether of you married before? I am having some trouble doing the math.

Anyhow, if a woman walks out on you, and you have absolutely no idea why, THAT is the gist of your problem. I think that if she claims mental abuse, and you don't know what she is talking about, before you have marriage counselling, you need personal counselling for yourself. If you are so out of touch with her, that you have no clue as to her unhappiness,
you need to learn why.

The books listed here at Amazon might be a worthy investment or help you create a list of books to check out at the library.

Armed with a little knowledge and a prepared list of questions and issues before you go see the counselor or attorney, will save you a lot of time and money.

phoenix reply
Yes phoenix. I was editing my post when you were reading it. My wife and I have no children together. they were hers from her 1 previous marriage. sorry about that. I will try to be more precise in the future.

The Family Service League (I think there's one in every state) can put you in touch with less expensive marriage counselors.

As for the lawsuit, you're going to need an attorney, and now, as it's highly doubtful that you'll be able to "talk her out of it" prior to the deadline. So, contact your state or county's Office of Legal Services. If it doesn't have that name, try the local Bar Association. They're in the phone book. You are looking for: a family law attorney who will handle your case pro bono. Use those exact words that I have put in bold-face. They will know what you're talking about. It's possible that your income is too high for 100% free legal services, but you'll probably be able to get them at a reduced price. But you will need to have these papers answered and be ready to appear in court. As you surmise, the clock is ticking and if you cannot save your marriage through counseling you will be in court, even if the matter is eventually dropped.

As for counseling, I firmly believe in it, but you said above, "she said she would attend 1 session with a counselor and if at the end the counselor said our marriage could be saved then she "would give it a try"" <-- these are not the words of someone who wants to see if counseling will work. These are, rather, the words of someone looking to humor you for one quick counseling session, but who's already made up her mind.

I'm not saying not to go to counseling. It is a good idea, no matter what. Even if you two do not stay together, you will feel better about things if (a) you did all that you could do and (b) you have the opportunity to gain some insight into her allegations of emotional abuse. It might be nothing - people do sometimes exaggerate, and often it is for the benefit of a divorce proceeding. Is it possible that she is building a case of grounds for divorce? You need not answer that here on the Internet but that may be something to think about.

Or, it may really be something, and you certainly owe it to yourself and any future relationships you find yourself in, to find out what the problem is in order to work on a solution to it. After all, you can't cure a disease without a diagnosis - the same is true here. You need a clue about what's going on (if anything) in order to see if there's a constructive way you can change your behavior.

You've recieved a lot of good advice here and all I can say is good luck to you. I hope everything works out.

You all have given some fine advice and have opened my eyes. I can tell you guy's are here to help and really do care. I thank all of you however, I am still in need of how to "answer the Court" on my own. Has anyone of you ever done that?

Has anyone here ever "answered the Court?" I guess I am just wondering if I should in fact hire an attorney or if I can save money by offering an answer to the Court myself? I am thinking that will buy some time and my wife and I can get involved with some counseling and perhaps she will put this on hold and eventually come around to being happily married to me again.

I can't help you with the legal aspects of your problem, sorry.

I suspect it is really smart to have an attorney. At least go talk to a legal aid office...

Mr no name, welcome to the forums.

Jes has given you sound advise regarding your court appearance.

Your wife said she'd appear at one counceling session. Perhaps, she's thinking maybe there is a way of saving your marriage. That one appointment may be just what you both need to begin communicating your feelings. Plus, if she believes you are willing to listen to her, there may be a chance of saving your marriage.

Good luck, and I hope all works out well.

I agree with Stradee that listening (that is, not talking and hearing too) could go a long way. Not that it isn't a two way street, but as for now, she doesn't seem to think you listen, whether or not she has spoken up, or her behavior has spoken up. So if anything will start to connect it is listening.

I was married to a man who was, perhaps, what they call passive aggressive. Anyway, fairly uncommunicative for a lot of the time. That only makes someone like me talk more, to get them to talk. Bad road, really. Anyway, listen.

What I took from the whole thing of at least one counseling session is to see if Mr. no-name would get it together enough to do it. I suspect (this is from thin air, basically, just rough impressions) that some of her problems with Mr. can be summarized in her belief that if she puts that challenge to him, it won't happen. Too much money, too much hassle, not enough time, whatever. That this kind of thing is emblematic of what bothers her about the marriage.

Hire an attorney. I say this as an attorney (and now I have to provide a disclaimer: I am not offering you legal advice wherein an attorney-client relationship will attach). Anyway, to get back to the point, if you had cancer, you wouldn't try to treat it yourself. Your marriage has been dealt a potentially fatal blow by your wife filing papers. Hire a professional; have this handled correctly. Like I said above, you can very likely get discount service. But please don't do this on your own. Particularly in a highly emotional situation such as this is, you're essentially asking for your rights to be handed over wholesale, and you will not be able to objectively remove yourself from the situation if/when it comes to negotiating things. Do yourself a favor: hire a lawyer.