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Wendy Atterberry: I'm upset my sister is dating my ex

 
 
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 04:54 pm
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/09/09/tf.sister.dating.ex/index.html

Quote:
I'm 33 years old and recently my high school sweetheart, Michael, who I dated for almost two years and lost my virginity to, found me on Facebook. After much thought, I finally hit the accept button to his friend request. I figured it has been 15 years, we are both grown adults now and, yes, part of me wanted him to see just how fabulous I turned out.

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The problem is, Michael has also "friended" my sister, who was an 11-year-old ugly duckling when we dated in high school, but has definitely blossomed since then. It turns out, they went out to dinner the other night and my sister finds him "very interesting and good-looking."

I told her I feel weird about them dating, and I swear if she wasn't my sister, I would have told her where to go the minute this happened.

She could be "talking" to any of my exes and I would feel the same exact way I'm feeling now. It's called the Girl Code and she needs to respect it. The number one rule of the Girl Code is to never date your close friends' exes, so I think this applies double if it's your sister.

When I tell people about this situation, everyone thinks what she is doing is wrong. Well, everyone but my sister and her friends. They say I shouldn't have a problem with it since I've been happily married for 13 years and that it was over a decade ago when we were teenagers.

So, who is right!? Is it wrong that I still believe in the Girl Code? -- Girl Code Believer

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Dear Girl Code Believer:

What's with all this "Girl Code" business? You're not a girl, GCB, you're a grown woman. It's time to start living your life by a more mature philosophy and treating people with respect and making decisions based on individual situations rather than blindly following a "code" that never considers context.

I understand you'd be hurt that your sister is dating your high school sweetheart, but I find it more difficult to understand how you'd be upset with any female close to you dating any ex of yours, regardless of when you dated him, how serious you were, what the breakup was like, and what your feelings for him are now. Not every relationship is created equal, and you shouldn't apply some silly "code" to all of them as if they are.

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Relationships are not about marking your territory for life. They are about finding someone you click with and can learn from -- and if you are lucky, create a life with. However, as we know, most relationships end eventually, and there can be a tendency to protect their memory or somehow preserve the feelings we had while in them. But applying a code to those doesn't make them special, GCB; they're already special on their own.

Applying a code to those relationships doesn't somehow protect them from change or lock our old feelings in the past.

So, rather than cry "Girl Code!" when someone close to you dares to date someone from your past, ask yourself what really upsets you about the prospect. If you can articulate clear reasons that speak to genuine hurt feelings, emotional discomfort, and perhaps even concern for your sister or friend's well-being, then express those.

You'll have a much better shot at being truly heard if your reasons come from the heart. And if you can't come up with any good reasons other than "Girl Code!" it might be time for you to grow up and let other people live their lives.


I think it would be difficult as the ex would be her brother-in-law if the sister marries him. Tricky situation. It could mean not seeing her sister any more.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 1,550 • Replies: 15
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ozzy474
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 04:55 pm
@talk72000,
live and let live
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 05:07 pm
@ozzy474,
There could be problems for the guy could start something with her and her sister could be heartbroken. It stinks to hell. I think the guy is out to hurt her.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 06:41 pm
My sister married one of my ex boyfriends.

Not a big deal at all.
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 06:46 pm
@boomerang,
That is good to hear. So there is animosity?
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 06:52 pm
@boomerang,
Really, my first instinct is to say 'Get over it'. I mean, big sis has been married for 13 yrs and supposedly loves him. The Girl Code thing is for juveniles. Or recently split people. What are the odds the sister will marry him? And if they do? So what? Big Sis has a husband already!! Get over it!!
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 07:19 pm
@talk72000,
No animosity at all.

They are much better suited to each other than he and I ever were or ever could have been.

And he's a decent guy, with an insanely wicked sense of humor that I still get to enjoy.

Plus, it serves as a nice reminder that I'm so lucky to haved moved on and met Mr. B -- the only man willing to put up with my shenanigans.
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 07:25 pm
@boomerang,
The way Wendy put it he was special as he got her cherry or virginity so it was not just a dating ex.
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 07:30 pm
@talk72000,
Virginity is HIGHLY over-rated.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Sep, 2010 07:52 pm
@talk72000,
Big whoop.

Nothing special there. More of an annoyance than anything.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2010 06:17 am
We can still claim rights on high school sweethearts??

Wow.
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2010 06:20 pm
@boomerang,
Guys don't seem too concerned about virginity. They always brag about get some girl's cherry. I don't know but I think women attach a lot to it as they deliver the baby. Guys don't even know if they are the fathers. Wendy is obviously very upset now this guy is approaching her family. It means contact with someone who wrote her off. It grates to have someone obnoxious get into your family which would mean attachment where it was initially broken by him, I presume. The way I see it Wendy gave a lot of attachment to her virginity as she might have wanted to save her herself for marriage and it was not to be. Maybe she was religious. Can you blame her? She doesn't want anything to do with the guy and now he has inserted himself to her family. Her animosity will doom the relationship anyway unless that sister doesn't care about maintaining relations with Wendy.
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2010 06:21 pm
@PUNKEY,
She doesn't claim rights but the opposite.
0 Replies
 
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2010 06:21 pm
@ehBeth,
She could be relifious.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2010 06:44 pm
@talk72000,
talk72000 wrote:
Can you blame her? She doesn't want anything to do with the guy


can we blame her? absolutely. She accepted his "friend" request and then wanted to control what he did. She's an idiot.

and the freakin' girl code. That's supposed to be done once you're past the age of 12.

No one "loses" their virginity. They know what they did with it.

Gotta feel sorry for her husband - he must feel like a total putz for hooking up with such a loser - still hung up on a guy from 15 years earlier.
talk72000
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2010 06:53 pm
@ehBeth,
She was definitely stupid as she wanted to show him off but it backfired. But it was the guy who contacted her first. I don't think it will turn well as all the wrong motives are in play. It depends on her relationship with her kid sister. If she had good relationship the guy is doomed in the long run. If they are not close then it doesn't matter. Sometimes family members are estranged forever.
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