... BUT i have caught him jerking off before i will come to bed or he will pass out on the couch watching it. Why would a guy want to do that instead of comming upstairs and doing the real thing? Like really you cant take FIVE minutes out of your night to make your partner happy? ARRGGHHH Plz someone explain this to me...(bold mine)
Howdy there MissApril
. First of all let me say that I appreciate (and I'm gonna take your word for it all in a somewhat general way, at first here) your honesty here...and your willingness to express your libido level. (if my little lady could just get some of that...we'd be out in mountain hot springs every second night).
Then, in addition to what Khethil
has mentioned above (also possible scenarios for his condition), and regarding the connection between the areas in bold, above, I'll say this. This looks like a possible case of porn addiction. It can, and does, happen; and it tends to kill actual drive for active ('real thing') sex
. It is a general fact that masturbation is usually less energy consuming than active sex, and the visual lure (which is slightly more of a male thing, than female) is captivating--making it easier to get addicted to. (and the producers try to keep it that way, because that's one sales point)
If I were to offer any suggestion (and please do not take this as professional advice in any way [although I have, and am, studying in this general area of sexology]) I would suggest that honest, specific and detailed
communication lines should be opened more between you two. Without really putting any pressure, or being too directly (mental agility will be needed), it might be good to express your emotional loss due to not being as fulfilled (as a woman) as you feel you should be. Also (and again, in a good way...smooth and loving) it might work to try to get him to see the possibility of his being addicted to porn, and getting him to acknowledge that such may be the case. Having done that, and with his seeing that the porn might be getting in the way of a real 'eros' release with the love for his partner (you), it may be easier to talk him into forcing himself to stop watching porn. That, along with your heartfelt attention towards helping him do that, may be able to get him to cut down on masturbation as well. (1)
In your sexual contact and activity, give talking about your and his fantasies a soft, introductory try. (although in new relationships, it's usually not so needed) Masturbation is a fantasy expression, try to see if you can work it out so that he at least
fantasizes during sexual contact with you (and understand that you too, will have fantasies to play out mentally) only.
These may help, but of course, one thing I can say for sure; there are many, many variables which come into play in such matters, and we here have almost NO knowledge of the hard-core facts (no pun intended) so can only take general pot-shots in the dark, towards trying to improve your love and sex life
. I do wish you two, and your family, the best !!!
1. It may also be helpful to find some of the softer porn which lends itself towards the female audience a bit, and watch some together (ONLY SOME...do not over do it) and enjoy the connection along with that. There is one company (the name slips me at the moment, but I'll try to check it out and get back here) which deals in material to help couples' sexual relationships. (especially those in mid-life, or over, relationships, but it'd be useful for all, I think)