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Is it wrong to leave someone because of his/her habit?

 
 
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 11:27 am
My off and on boyfriend of 4 years started smoking weed alot. I left him because he wouldnt stop and I couldnt take it anymore. He seems to think that is wrong of me. "How could I leave someone I have been with for 4 yrs just because they smoke weed" he says
Am I in the wrong? PLEASE HELP
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 2,841 • Replies: 14
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Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 11:38 am
@Ashleykendal,
I've always found obsessive pot smokers to have other problems that are usually even worse. I won't hire them and I've never dated one. Addictions in general are a turn off to me. Addicts always prefer their partners to share their obsession and feel personally attacked when you criticize their drug of choice. Move on and find someone you are more compatible with.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 12:32 pm
@Green Witch,
What she said!

Smoking week will bring a whole set of new problems to his job, his relationships and his health and mind. You don't need to be with a loser, move on!
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 01:15 pm
What everyone else said, and I'll go a little further. If it absolutely drives you nuts when he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, he needs to change his habit, you need to change your attitude, or one of you needs to leave.
Pemerson
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 02:59 pm
Leave him. If you don't you'll end up "caring" for him, even getting blamed for his addiction. If you stay with him, then you are getting something out of the relationship that you don't want to part with. Should you decide to leave, then the addiction is his problem.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 03:03 pm
@roger,
Agree with Roger... why would you stay when there is already a deal breaker. Better leave after dating four years than married ten. That's why you date people, to find this stuff out.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 04:20 pm
@Ashleykendal,
It depends on how much we value the wrongness of the habit.
0 Replies
 
plainoldme
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 06:01 pm
It is not just that he smokes weed, it is the fact that each of you is -- or at least should be -- equal.

You can not take his smoking. You must be true to yourself and maintain your own integrity. My neighbors are a lesbian couple. One cheated on the other and the person who was betrayed came to me to cry on my shoulder. I told her that when two people are in a relationship, they have to reach an agreement on the rules for that relationship. If one demands faithfulness, that person must tell the other that faithfulness is important. It is then up to the other person to pledge to be faithful, that is, live within the rules, or to say, I can not do that so we must part.

You can not tolerate his heavy use of marijuana. You said that. You left because of it . . . or, have i misinterpreted you . . .if he can not give up marijuana, then he must tell you that you are free to find a man who can create a contract (all relationships are contracts of sorts) that both of you can live by.

If you give in to him, you give up some of your equality and some of yourself.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 06:05 pm
@plainoldme,
Ooh, good post, plainoldme.


I was going to respond to the original post with "Of course not", but that sounds short and sort of snotty. You said it better.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 07:21 pm
@plainoldme,
This is really a wonderful summary

plainoldme wrote:
when two people are in a relationship, they have to reach an agreement on the rules for that relationship.


It doesn't really matter what the deal-breaker is. We've all got different things that mean a relationship is over.

Whether it's lying, cheating, smoking, drug use, toothpaste tube mis-squeezing - we have to be clear in ourselves and to our partners what those things are.

JTT
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 07:42 pm
@plainoldme,
Quote:
If you give in to him, you give up some of your equality and some of yourself.


All good points, POM.

There is a further risk beyond personal and that is that you could get caught up in some awfully messy legal proceedings.
0 Replies
 
plainoldme
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 09:34 pm
@ossobuco,
Thank you.
0 Replies
 
plainoldme
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2010 09:34 pm
@ehBeth,
Thank you as well.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2010 08:58 am
@Ashleykendal,
I am not sure how old you are - but you may be too young to know how to deal with some one that has a drug habit. I know this personally, because I ended up breaking up with someone when I was 22 because of a drug habit.

Honestly I didn't realize it was due to the drug/alcohol habit at first. I broke up with him because he would be 2 hours late to pick me up (even after once when he didn't show up over an hour, I went out with my friends); he wouldn't have money even though he had a good job. He went to "camp" for drunk driving - which I didn't know about until after the fact. He was a real sweet heart aside from these things. But finally I couldn't deal with it and didn't know how.

He kinda tried getting me back - sending me two dozen red roses and one white for hoping I would stay with him. I went over his apartment to talk with him and while sitting in his room while he went to the bathroom, I saw a small piece of paper - I folded it back up along the creases and realized what it was - a packet for cocaine. I showed it to him and then walked out and didn't ever contact him afterwards. I realized he had a drug/alcohol problem and I wasn't capable of helping him.
0 Replies
 
HexHammer
 
  0  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 05:59 pm
@Ashleykendal,
Ashleykendal wrote:

My off and on boyfriend of 4 years started smoking weed alot. I left him because he wouldnt stop and I couldnt take it anymore. He seems to think that is wrong of me. "How could I leave someone I have been with for 4 yrs just because they smoke weed" he says
Am I in the wrong? PLEASE HELP
So, you are easily manipulated by his selfness? You shouldn't be!
It is your life, not his! Rule it.
0 Replies
 
 

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