Ashcroft Stuffs White House Turkey With Listening Devices

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

ASHCROFT URGES MILITARY TRIBUNAL FOR WHITE HOUSE TURKEY

No Pardon for Gitmo-bound Poultry


U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft pressed President Bush to withhold the customary pre-Thanksgiving pardon for the White House turkey today, forcefully arguing that the bird should face a military tribunal at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo, Cuba.

FBI agents arrested the turkey moments before the traditional pardoning ceremony, taking it away in shackles as a busload of third graders watched in horror.

The decision to detain the White House turkey at Gitmo surprised many in Washington who had expected the turkey to receive leniency from Mr. Bush.

But in a press conference at the Justice Department, Mr. Ashcroft said that there were "too many questions" hovering over the suspicious poultry to let it go free.

"We would very much like to know how he got on the White House lawn and what he intended to do while he was there," Mr. Ashcroft said.

The Attorney General added that, using powers granted by the Patriot Act, the Justice Department had placed the fowl under surveillance over eight months ago, eavesdropping on the turkey's conversations and following its movements on a twenty-four hour basis.

Mr. Ashcroft said that the Justice Department pounced on the turkey after noticing an increase in "suspicious chatter" from the bird over the past seventy-two hours.

"While I'm sure some would argue that it was merely innocuous gobbling, we were not prepared to take that risk," Mr. Ashcroft said.

Mr. Ashcroft used his press conference to wish all Americans a happy Thanksgiving, adding, "I may not be sitting at the same table as you, but I'll be listening."