Advice about marriage

It sounds to me like you really did rebound, and unfortunately you are now suffering the effects.

Still, you have been married for five years, and that's not exactly 5 mos.
You can't make yourself be in love with someone, either you are or you aren't.

You fail to mention how she feels about you.

Also, it may be difficult for you to figure out, but on the outside looking in, it's a piece of cake.

I think you should agree to disagree, split the difference, and go your own way, before you waste any more time.

Good luck!

I agree with Misti (Hi Misti!). Except for your statement that she is a sweet and loving person, everything else that you have said about your marriage is negative.

Some people just don't belong together. You are lucky that you don't have kids.

It would be a pity for both of you to waste the rest of your lives. Why don't you shake hands, and go your separate ways? It looks like your marriage, as you describe it, is a lose-lose situation!

Hi Phoenix, you beautiful baby ... I miss you!!!!

Finding approaches to connect
Dear Steelhead,

I post from the standpoint of staying together, because that is my personal challenge, to ever be seeking new ways to enjoy my wife.

For TV, is there any way you can find movies to watch, to which you can both find interest? Go to a Video store together? Can you describe your differences in tastes in TV shows, movies?

I understand the Rolfing Massages are highly sensually effective. I have massage video tapes, and I practice my ordinary massage techniques, while relaxing with my wife. I should get a rolfing massage, and see what it is. An Esalen tape is quite good, inexpensive off the net.

One way to view your challenge is to find things to do together. You might look at an excerpt of the 180 Degree Divorce Busters book under Negotiating, in marriagebuilders.com. The 180 degree Book resommends streategies for increasing yoru magnatism, to draw your partner closer to you.

Apparently you are sleeping together. Since I have been married for a while, I have experienced different phases of marriage realtionships. If I use enough baby oil, I can usually find some mutually agreeable position to make things work for me. One strategy I read about is to lie quietly, envision pretending that you are actaully your wife, and then see what part of you wishes to most to be massaged. Start on that part. Women take more time. What you start one day, carries over to the next day. One thing that took me a while to learn about my wife is the length of her rejection cycles. My wife will often reject my first approach, giving this reason or that reason. I back off immediately. What I have learned is that I can re-apprach in as little as 3 minutes, and it is like she never rejected me. It is a fresh start. One guy told me of a 7 minute rejection cycle for a lady friend.

This is my first post on this board. I have posted on other marriage boards, and I can keep coming up with more ideas if you keep posting back. I'll check back once in a while.

Blessings,

Logger

Welcome, Steelhead and Logger! :-D

While you may not have TV in common (my husband and I often don't), there may be other areas of common interest. What do you like to do? Fish? Golf? Watch or play sports? Visit museums? Travel? Shop? Go out to eat? etc. There may be common ground. Ask her - "___, what do you want to do today?" Or make up that the two of you switch - Saturdays, you two do what she likes to do. Sundays, you both do what you like to do. You may find that there are areas where you jibe.

Or maybe you really do have nothing in common. And that's fine. Like Phoenix said, there are some people who are just not meant to be together. And there's no shame in that. But I firmly believe married couples - particularly those who've been together over 2 years - should give it the old college try before finally calling it quits. You're in counseling which is a fantastic thing.

I agree with Misti and Phoenix who said not to waste your time, but I also feel that sometimes marriages end and the parties regret it. You will not feel those regrets if you did everything you could. I say, try it for, I dunno, six months, to see if you can find common ground. If you can't, you can't. Six months is enough time to come up with something but it isn't so long that you're continually shooting in the dark. Going to museums together isn't the only thing that will save your marriage, but the two of you were companionable enough together to get married in the first place. Maybe there is a spark there, but it's hidden.