some funny jokes and storys

An Evolutionary History of the World...

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They
lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and
live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals
and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively
outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

Subject: FW: I'm the last guy!

How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and
Southerners? Pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and
charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Possible Liberal Answers:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we
run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few
days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer: BANG!

Southerner's Answer : BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whadda y'all kids think?" Son:
"Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Subject: RE: Fw: Indian Wisdom

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to
interview him.

Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his
progress. You've seen his wars."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women
did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting
and fishing, all night having sex."

The chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."

Subject: Fw: MILITARY RULES FOR "NON-MILITARY" PERSONNEL

Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great
nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For
those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.

Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:

1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the
playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.

2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest
. kick their ass.

3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very
freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices
these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a
Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing
camouflage, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and
collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven.
Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you
fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance
deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).

6) If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard nonmilitary, inform
them of their mistake ... then kick their ass.

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper ... it
was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will
be kicked.

8) Next time Old Glory goes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and
pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the
military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her ... of course,
failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. Just
mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.

10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We
are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation.
The President is our Commander in Chief regardless of political party. We
have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings
where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those
civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military
to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver
North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me. If she did, she
would most likely be a vet and, therefore, could kick your ass!

12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go
kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are
not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone
calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick
their ass.

13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy),
etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a
service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Doing so
will get your ass kicked.

14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military,
support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious
holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there
are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they
could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices
they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.


"It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the
press.

It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to
demonstrate.

It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and
whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the
flag."

(Authored by:) Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Sergeant, USMC
(Please pass this on so I won't have to kick your ass!)

My favs are the diff between a liberal, conservative, and southerner, and the last one.