Series of Gas price jokes

"President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman

"President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." ?Jay Leno

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, taken by the gas stations." -- Jay Leno

"Here in California gas prices have gone up to more than $2 a gallon. So not only didn?t we find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?apparently we didn't find any oil there either. Didn't we win the war? I thought that gas would be free now." ?Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a big $286 billion highway bill yesterday. The sad part, $285 billion of it is for gas money." --Jay Leno

"The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" --Dennis Miller

"Gas prices at an all-time high here in California. Like, $3.30, in Malibu. Gas is so expensive, women in Beverly Hills now can't afford to run over their cheating husbands with their Mercedes anymore." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno

"How many have seen 'March of the Penguins'?...You know why they're marching? They can't afford gas." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive now, today I saw Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds carrying their cars." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gasoline if he is elected president. He said he would arm-twist members of OPEC to lower prices. Do you think this is really going to work with OPEC, arm twisting? Hey, Bush invaded them and they haven't lowered prices. We blew up the country and they haven't lowered prices." ?Jay Leno

"How many went to the beach this weekend? How many went to the mountains? How many just piled in the family car, sat in the driveway, and pretended you could actually afford gas to go somewhere?" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration announced they're going to be looking now into some short-term solutions into high gasoline prices. ... They're looking to solve the problem, I don't know, up to the first week in November." ?Jay Leno