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am I in love with another man, or is it just an old flame that refuses to burn out?

 
 
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 01:55 am
I'm 25 years old and have been married almost two years.

About four years ago, I was seeing a man who was not my husband. I adored this man .. it truly felt like I had found a soul mate. We were as quirky and crazy as eachother and we had so much fun!

Anyways, a little while into our relationship I discovered I was pregnant. I was a sobbing mess, being 21 years old and not knowing what to do next. I called my partner and told him and we saw eachother that evening. He told me what I "had to do" .. because my career was just starting and blah blah blah. I didn't like this reaction. I have always wanted to be a mum (not that this was planned) and it broke my heart to hear him say what he was.

He eventually left for a holiday with another girl and I was stranded on my own, not knowing what to do. I contacted an ex boyfriend who was still a very good friend and he offered to help me. I planned on keeping the baby and he wanted to be there to take care of us (incredible, I know).

About 13 weeks into the pregnancy I lost the baby. We stayed together and eventually he asked me to marry him. We were married September 2008. We didn't consumate the marriage (still haven't) .. infact we haven't had intercourse at all following the pregnancy. He says he's always too tired, but I feel like it's more than that. Like he doesn't want to be with me in that way because another man already has. I'm not really sure. We still do other things (use your imagination), but it never leads to sex.

Three weeks ago a got a phone call from the other guy - the one who left. He regrets what he did and what I went through and he wants to try again. Today he told me that he wants me to leave my husband and start a new life with him. My heart flutters when I hear from him (normally via email) and I think about how much I loved him when we were together, but I always refuse to see him in person. More out of fear that I'll not be able to stop myself falling for him all over again.

But do I love him? Or is this just the fluttering of an old flame that hasn't burnt out yet? What should I do?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 1,351 • Replies: 8
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BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 02:13 am
@mychickennugget,
My hoax detector had gone into overdrive here for some reason.

Let see one man who gotten you pregnant and ran for the hill another guy who married you and was willing to take on a child that was not his but had not have sex with you in a four year relationship and two years of marriage!

Now your question is should you leave your no sex marriage for a man who abandon you at your greatest time of need because he had claimed that he had change during a phone call.

Well if this story is true I would suggest dropping both men at once and getting into a mental health treatment program.



mychickennugget
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 02:37 am
@BillRM,
Why would I make up a story to post online? What a ridiculous accusation.
You're right, I'm a fool to have married a man when we were in a sexless relationship. A fool to believe it may one day change. But the truth is we are best friends and I do love him. I just don't know if it's the right kind of love.

Now that the other guy has come back into the picture (through one phone call, yes, and numerous emails) I don't know whether what I'm feeling for him is love or lust ... or if he's just reminder of what's missing in my marriage.

I don't need to check myself into a mental health program. I can recognise the fact that this whole situation is a stupid mess. That's why I'm asking for help.. not asking to be insulted.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 04:49 am
@mychickennugget,
Yes on the internet, many people enjoy playing hoaxes however I will assume that you’re posting is for real.

Help or insult you do need mental health counseling if you would dream of going back with a man who would leave you hanging when you were carrying his child!

Sorry a man who would leave a woman in your then condition will do so in the future when the going get rough once more no matter what he is now saying on the phone or by email.

It is not a great idea to get with him and have a few kids with this soul mate of your only to wake up one morning to find him gone and you will have to take care of two or three kids on your own.

As far as your relationship with your husband I would suggest insisting on marriage counseling to find out what the problem is and if he will not do so then making plans to move on with your life without him.

There are a lot of men who could be your real soul mate and give you a complete life but you have now in your life one man who had proven beyond question he is not fit to be trusted and the other who have problems that may or may not be able to be solve.
0 Replies
 
plainoldme
 
  2  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 06:47 am
@mychickennugget,
You have already answered your own question although you haven't accepted the answer. You need to reread what you wrote, particularly one part of it:
Quote:
He eventually left for a holiday with another girl and I was stranded on my own, not knowing what to do. I contacted an ex boyfriend who was still a very good friend and he offered to help me. I planned on keeping the baby and he wanted to be there to take care of us (incredible, I know).


He "eventually" went off with someone else. Eventually?

Now, put this matter in perspective:
Quote:
About 13 weeks into the pregnancy I lost the baby.


So, here was a man you viewed as your soul mate . . . again, soul mate is the term you use . . . who in less than three months, was sufficiently involved with another woman to go on vacation with her.

He did not eventually go happily off on holiday with another woman. Eventually is not a word that fits in this time span. You miscarried at "about 13 weeks," so, in less than three months, he impregnated one woman . . . and, yes, it does sound like an accident . . . and went off with another on vacation. Frankly, it sounds like he was either seeing both of you at the same time, or, that he is a constant troller for women, or, that he went off with someone of very recent acquaintance to spite you/salve his own feelings in re: this accidental pregnancy/both.

Your use of the word eventually shows that you are rationalizing his bad behavior.

You need to stop doing that.

I can understand that you are vulnerable. You married a man when you were perhaps 23, the age at which women's hormones make sex most appealing and necessary. Two years have gone by and your marriage remains unconsummated.

I think an annulment is in order. You use British expressions but that does not mean you live in England. I have no idea where you are or what the laws there are but an unconsummated marriage between people your age (assuming your husband is an age peer) is not a marriage unless there is some unique physical reason why there is no sex.

Yes, that will leave you emotionally unsupported but the chief problem in your life has been men you can not depend upon.

As for Mr. Holiday with Another Girl, forget him. If you can move, move. Do not leave a forwarding address, phone number or internet address. You have been wise not to see him in person . . . but please think hard about a man who disappeared with another woman while you were pregnant, who has not seen you in four years but who now wants to "start a new life with him."

While it is true that you are no longer the person who became pregnant four years ago and he may have grown up, what he is suggesting is a fairy tale.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 06:58 am
@mychickennugget,
Quote:
He eventually left for a holiday with another girl and I was stranded on my own, not knowing what to do. I contacted an ex boyfriend who was still a very good friend and he offered to help me. I planned on keeping the baby and he wanted to be there to take care of us (incredible, I know).


The "love of your life" is not to be trusted. As others have said, when things get rough, as they do in any relationship, this guy is going to "head for the hills". Fuggedaboudit.

As far as your husband is concerned, there are a number of options. If you care for him, you need to get into marriage counselling, and work on your sexual problems.

If not, divorce him. But DON'T run back to the loser who left you when you needed him the most.
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 07:15 am
@mychickennugget,
You're combining two separate problems into a single issue.

1. You need to address the sexual issues in your marriage, especially if you want to be a parent someday. You have no business thinking about or pursuing any kind of sexual or romantic relationship while your married. Either work out the issues in your marriage, or extricate yourself from your marriage, before you start another relationship. Anything else is just wrong.
2. You have an infatuation with this man who abandoned you while you were pregnant. An infatuation is not love. And if he will abandon you while you are pregnant, what else is he likely to do? Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jun, 2010 09:46 am
You know roughly a year ago a cat who was so young that she must had have a litter during her very first heat show up at my doorsteps.

She and her kittens was at death door as she was both staving to death and yet she still was trying her very best to keep her kittens alive.

Given that she was both highly society to humans and knew what a litter pan was for, it is highly likely some SOBs throw her out on the street as soon as she became pregnancy as they did not wish to deal with a cat with kittens.

Now this is a disgrace for anyone to act that way when it come to pets let alone for a boyfriend/lover to do so concerning his pregnancy partner!

As a male, I might be missing some female sexual orient thinking but I can not understand how any young lady who was abandon in a similar manner to that mother cat could call the SOB a soul mate and think for one second about getting back together with him.

Somehow, I do not think that even my cat Midnight would now consider leaving me for her old humans and surely a woman should have as must commonsense as my cat!
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Jun, 2010 08:11 am
There are so many fucked up people on this planet and we certainly get our share on A2K.
0 Replies
 
 

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