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Relationship with boyfriend who has OCD

 
 
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 06:36 pm
Been in a relationship for 10 years with bf who has ocd. He apparently is not the worst case as can go away on holidays abroad etc. Holidays are difficult all the same as he wont eat or drink whilst travelling for some reason and arrives to our destination behaving with an anger towards me which I put down to dehydration and food deprivial. ....his doing! The rest of the holiday would go smoothly within reason as I cope much better with his OCD as he begins to relax somewhat. He is in constant control of our daily routine which I know is not healthy for me. I try to understand him as I love him and he is very funny and lovable inbetween these events. I am hugely independant and very efficient which I think is a comfort for him as he relys on me for this. Both of my parents have passed away and I am reliant on him now relationship wise. Dont get me wrong as I feel I would be lost without him in my life. I dont like the sense that he is controlling me through his OCD but cannot change him....all my talking and comforting takes its toll at times.
He is attending theraphy but I feel he does not tell them the truth at times.
What can I do...is there any answers out there?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 4 • Views: 1,786 • Replies: 11
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djjd62
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 06:46 pm
@MARYALAN,
MARYALAN wrote:
Both of my parents have passed away and I am reliant on him now relationship wise. Dont get me wrong as I feel I would be lost without him in my life.


you need to be less reliant on people and more reliant on yourself
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 07:09 pm
@MARYALAN,
Is that OCB... My kid has that... Not too bad, but it excuses a lot, along with borderline personality issues, and bi-polar... We have had some rough times... Sort of a reminder to not have children too late in life...I am afraid she is always going to be under my roof in some way or another... What am I going to do??? She is mine...
You don't have to be stuck... There are a lot of nice plain old normal people in this world... Why take a sleigh ride off a cliff if there is no money in it???
MARYALAN
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 07:15 pm
@Fido,
No its OCD. Obsession Compulsive behaviour...like counting and washing and cleaning etc. I know there are lots of nice plain old normal people in this world and thanks for your reply...money is nothing when your health is your wealth.
0 Replies
 
MARYALAN
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 07:25 pm
@Fido,
What age is your kid? He/She is yours afterall and you should never give up on them. There but for the grace of God go any of us...eh.
William
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 09:46 pm
@MARYALAN,
MARYALAN wrote:

Been in a relationship for 10 years with bf who has ocd. He apparently is not the worst case as can go away on holidays abroad etc. Holidays are difficult all the same as he wont eat or drink whilst travelling for some reason and arrives to our destination behaving with an anger towards me which I put down to dehydration and food deprivation. ....his doing!


Whose idea was it to go “traveling”? If it was yours and then it is understandable why he would be angry. I am surprised he went at all. Traveling is the least favorite thing for any one with phobias to do. They like home just fine or anything they are extremely familiar with.

If you knew of his disorder prior to the traveling you would know the torment he would go thought. Now that he is back in his “safe environment” he COULD get angry.

I think you are the bad guy here Mary. After 10 years you knew he would be afraid of eating and drinking in strange dishes and glasses that were not his. After 10 years of living with this individual you would know this. YOU wanted the holiday; YOU wanted to travel and you are bringing this event to us so YOU can feel less guilty.

You like being with him because he is so predictable and you find a comfort in that. You have his routines down pat and there are no surprises.

Now if you truly cared for this man you would know that it is almost impossible to prepare such an individual for such a trip into what he thinks is so unknown to him. You could leave tomorrow and I promise you he would be over you in nothing flat. The only person in this world he trusts in this world is himself and why you are with him only you can answer. I think I just did. To a degree you are afraid too and living with someone you can predict, makes you LESS afraid.

Now please don’t get angry. Let me offer why. Most people live routinely; some just more pronounced than others. It is indeed difficult to find an individual that is truly fearless. The only reason I am offering what I am is because I am one of those people. I know I don’t have anything to be afraid of and because of that is rather easy for me to explain why so many other people are.

There are many afraid people out there and it begins the day they are born. Imagine being in a environment where such huge people tell you one thing for “your own good” and you witness them doing just the opposite. You begin to do as they do and when they witness you do that, here comes the punishment. How could any child learn what the word trust is all about. So eventually they only trust themselves and in that separation from other people they will not get punished.

When we were those little people those responsible for our being must be in alignment in every thing they say and everything they do if they want a well balance human being to grow from their union. Any thing other than that alignment will cause a separation between that parental pair and that child which can be manifest today in what we call “personality disorders, ADHD and ADD. In other word we are losing out children to the point they are saying little and texting is the way they communicate. As a matter of a fact they have their own language btw. Lol, Pos, ha! (By the way laughing out loud parent over shoulder) Swim, see what I mean, ha? I am sure if you are young you know exactly what I mean.

Sorry for the essay Mary. Once you get to know me you will see that is what I am guilty of, ha! You are not in a boat by yourself; there are many out there sailing a crooked ship because many now just don’t trust anybody and why this reality needs a serious MAKE OVER.

Good luck in your relation ship. You know that ship we put our relations in we call a family. We have a lot to learn about sailing THAT ship. Perhaps if we had a better moral compass, we would have much smoother seas.

William
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Jun, 2010 10:08 pm
Hello Maryalan and welcome to A2k
Is your boyfriend in therapy for his OCD? There is help and good medication
out there to keep his OCD under control. If he's not in therapy yet, you should encourage him to seek help.
At the same time you should assess your own dependency. Retaining in a relationship for fear of being alone, isn't a good reason to stay in it.
Fido
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jun, 2010 05:46 am
@CalamityJane,
CalamityJane wrote:

Hello Maryalan and welcome to A2k
Is your boyfriend in therapy for his OCD? There is help and good medication
out there to keep his OCD under control. If he's not in therapy yet, you should encourage him to seek help.
At the same time you should assess your own dependency. Retaining in a relationship for fear of being alone, isn't a good reason to stay in it.


Ideally, love only occurs between two healthy people since love will often demand all a person has... It is sad to hear people say: If I only had his/her love my life would be alright... People should have okay lives to bring to their relationships... I have weaknesses... My wife's longs have covered my shorts, and I hope I have done the same to an extent... If we were not healthy, we were at least functional, and we needed every bit of health to survive some of our family disasters... What would we have done if either of us were so preoccupied with self, and the problems of our own mental health that we could not function alone???
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jun, 2010 05:51 am
@MARYALAN,
MARYALAN wrote:

What age is your kid? He/She is yours afterall and you should never give up on them. There but for the grace of God go any of us...eh.

My daughter was sixteen in April... Home schooled because she is a target at school... She is a person of extremes, like her father... Very intelligent in some respects, and dead slow in others... Not so slow that she requires special ed, but clearly in need of extra help... The school and community have bailed out on her... They draw lines in the sand, and if you cross the line you get help, and if you do not cross that threashold you are on your own...
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jun, 2010 05:54 am
Hmm.
Some odd responses here. Not uncommon I guess.

You are asking for an answer.. but what is your question?
Are you looking to leave him?
Stay?
Change him?

You know you can not change him so that is out of the question.

Im thinking you may have to change you.

But after 10 years, he is still doing everything that makes him , HIM and is still just being himself 100%

i think , your expectations are out of line with who he is. I dont get the idea that he has done anything different. But you seem to want to change what you need, feel and desire. You can not expect him to accomodate that. Not with a disorder like that.

If you dont feel like he is telling the truth, then go to sessions together. Thats an easy solution. You probably should be doing that anyway if the therapy is supposed to be helping the relationship.

Once a therapist knows the extent of something,t hey can refer you to someone who can give medication if necessary and they can also change how sessions go to make sure you GET something out of it.
MARYALAN
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jun, 2010 07:14 am
@William,
Thanks William for your reply..Firstly, it was his idea to go on holidays. I was somewhat hesitant but didnt say so. He now wants to go on another holiday!
I know he wants to do this as he is fighting his condition...problem for me is that I get the blunt of his initial distress when we arrive.....this would last for the first day and then once settled he enjoys himself and doesnt want to go home. I discussed the fact that I am hesitant to go on another holiday for this reason and he is not happy with me about this. I know he is not happy with himself really. I suggested we go back to the same place...familar ground for him...but he doesnt want that either! I am really confused with all this to be honest.
0 Replies
 
MARYALAN
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jun, 2010 07:38 am
@shewolfnm,
I know I cannot change him...he is the only one that can do that. I dont try to change him but support his want to change things when he is ready. I think you may be right in saying that I may have to change me. This would cause distress for him as in a way he is controlling me by not being happy if I do anything unpredictable and he wants to control events. There a lot of checking going on....he wants to know where I am if we are apart etc. Its not a question of trust but more of a comfort thing for him. The therapist invited me to the sessions which he was initially okay with but then changed his mind....so I have never been to any of the sessions.
0 Replies
 
 

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