Bipolar to blame?

I find the concept of mental illness a bit problematic... everyone has behavior, and most of us have some sort of odd behavior. I doubt there is anyone who hasn't done things that ticked some people off. Labeling some set of behaviors as "illness" while others are not is difficult for me to accept.

That being said, I understand that some people have behavior patterns influenced by brain chemistry that makes social interaction difficult.

It must be true that even people with mental illness are responsible for their behavior-- if you are not responsible for what you do, you cease to be human.

I don't think there are any circumstances where you can force one person to like or to accept another person. Are you suggesting that you must tolerate any behavior from someone with a diagnosis. That can't be right.

I am sympathetic that you are in a difficult situation. You can be a help and support to her. Trying to force other people to have a relationship with her is unfair to both you and to them.

It sounds like you are empirically speaking.
All of the points you have outlined have crossed my mind at some time or another. Which is what leaves me confused, thinking and discussing philosophically helps me to see things from different perspectives. But as you say, finding where to draw the line between personality and illness is no easy feat. I will continue to try and support her, regardless of the frustration that she can sometimes cause me. I guess I have seen it all before and I just accept it now. As for what you say about trying to force people to have a relationship with her, I think you are onto something. As my efforts are mostly futile.

People do not have to subject themselves to abuse or mistreatment from another person, for any reason. Having a mental illness does not give one a license to abuse or mistreat others, and people do not have to put up with abuse simply because it is coming from someone who is mentally ill. While understanding something about the mental illness can help us view the behavior in a context, such understanding may not make the person more appealing, or likable, or desirable as a social companion. We don't have to put up with bad behavior from someone just because they are mentally ill. We can chose to ignore or reject such people, unless, of course, we are directly responsible for their care and welfare. Then we do have to try to distance ourselves emotionally, in order to tolerate and care for the person.

Bipolar Disorder is a mood disturbance, and, generally, the extremes of mood can be fairly well controlled with medication. Certainly, someone in a full blown manic state can be aggressive, belligerent, assaultive, paranoid and quite hostile, and they would also likely require hospitalization until this mood state was brought under control with medication. But, when properly medicated, I don't think that someone with Bipolar Disorder is any more or less difficult to get along with than anyone else would be. The personality traits of people with Bipolar Disorder would run the gamut, so the underlying personality would be quite apart from the mood disorder and no specific personality type would be distinctive of Bipolar Disorder. There are warm, kind, caring people with Bipolar Disorder, and there are absolutely obnoxious people with Bipolar Disorder.

So, I'm not sure you can attribute your mother's extreme unpleasantness toward other people solely to Bipolar Disorder. Nor should you expect others to simply overlook her extreme unpleasantness simply because she has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

It is also possible that your mother has other psychiatric problems, personality problems, in addition to Bipolar Disorder. Controlling her Bipolar Disorder with medication wouldn't affect those other problems.

Is your mother bothered by her behavior toward other people? Is she bothered by the fact that they ignore or reject her? Does she have any insight into how her behavior affects others? Does she want to better understand, or change, how she treats others? Has she been receiving any psychotherapy?

I think it is much easier to be sympathetic and tolerant of someone's psychiatric problems when we see them actively struggling to get them under control with medication and therapy, and when there are significant periods when the problems do not affect interpersonal relationships. So, someone with a mood disturbance, who might go through periods of depression, or periods of pronounced irritability or mania, might also have long stretches where their moods are relatively level and, during those periods, their relationships might be unaffected by their moods. Or, someone who has behaved badly toward others during an acute episode of mood disturbance or lability, might then stabilize and feel quite apologetic and remorseful about their past behavior, and this might also help others to view them more sympathetically. But, if someone is chronically very unpleasant, or habitually outrageous or obnoxious, this simply becomes too much for most people to put up with or tolerate. People withdraw from such a person simply in self-defense.

That is a big one!!!

I think that people with bi-polar generally (when well) have the ability to comprehend the nature and effect of their illness (to some extent at least) and have some choice about whether to modify it with meds. and other means (like avoiding great stress.)

When unwell, I don't think they have much insight.

Therefore, if properly diagnosed and educated, I think they have some choice, and therefore responsibility, about how repellent they become. I think we can place SOME blame, but in varying degrees according to the individual situation.

I understand that this is a fraught issue, because of the unpleasant side effects of drugs, and the possibilities of lack of insight. I also understand that many BP's like to run slightly manic.

I think it almost INEVITABLE that people with little or no knowledge of the illness will dislike her and ignore/reject her. Why would they not?

I think it is those of us with knowledge of the illness who can be held more accountable for ignoring/rejecting.

That being said, I am highly likely to ignore/reject someone in the nastiest phase of their illness unless I have some sort of commitment to them, either personal or professional.

I consider it a failing in myself, but I can only deal with so much in my life.