I need some advice!!!!!!

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I don't even know where to start. I'll try to make this short and sweet. I married young, 3 months before I turned 17. I'm 33 now...and were still married....I thought it was love, its was stupidity on my part now that I look back. 7 1/2 years into the marriage, I had fallen totally head over heels in love with my husband. I thought he hung the moon. Along came our first child....at that time. And it seemed that it all went to hell in a handbasket afterwards.

When our son was 18 months old, I wanted out...I couldn't go to the potty without him hollering at me to come and get our baby. I was stuck in our house....with a son..who I loved, and a man with no compassion, no sense of duty, no sense of anything but himmself. He worked....brought home a paycheck and that was it. I took care of EVERYTHING! It seemed like the only conversation that I had..was with my son. But I stayed....

Now, I'm leaving a lot out of this....I said short and sweet, but actually its impossible.

When our first son was born....he was 3 days old and had to be put back into the hospital for being jaundiced. They want someone there and awake 24/7..which I wouldn't have had it any other way. It fell upon me to be up around the clock, for I couldn't even trust my husband to stay awake during his time. I was breastfeeding also....He'd tell me he was going home to take care of things , and would be gone for hours on end, apparently taking a nap....to come back to the hospital to go back to sleep, while I sat there staring at this baby that I had waited so long on to hold ..one day, I had even passed out on the post of the bili lights...cause of being so tired, the nurse thought that I was dead. But I couldn't depend on him to help. Also...during this time, one of our best friends committed suicide.....leaving me feeling completely helpless on that situation. No compassion from my husband.....when everyone was gathering up at the hospital and being hushed about it,( I knew something was going on) till he could tell me..., he barges through the door and just blurts it out. I thought between his news of our best friend and our baby being in the hospital, my lack of rest, sleep and being so aggravated at the man that I married, that I would honestly have a nervous breakdown.

But I didn't...

That....and the fact that after 15 hours of labor......left me there alone, our son was born with fluid on his lungs, and a low body temp, it was 4 hours afterwards that I got to hold him for the first time, and here my husband had gone home....cause HE WAS TIRED.
I called begging him to come back to the hospital to be with us and his answer was "NO, I'm tired....gonna get some sleep". It just killed my soul to think that his sleep was more important.

But I stayed......

Then along came our second son.....it was a bit better this round. After wanting a divorce, it seemed it helped somewhat.

You know, there is so much to say....on this situation ..it would take me days to get it all out.

What it amounts to.....is why am I still here? 16 years of marriage...that stinks to the high heavens. He's not physically abusive...he's emotionally abusive..and mentally abusive, which I see. There are so many things like the story up above that I have dealt with.....over him and his selfishness, that you would look at me and wonder why I'm not in the crazy house.

I was raised up...."old school"....I cook, clean....wash, tend to kids, I have been the only one to mow and weedeat for the last 5 years.....I don't pawn them off on anyone.....they are always with us....or me. I am very affectionate....or should say "WAS". I have lost any desire for this man...I have no feelings of being in love with him. I am a hard worker, who has worked on and off through the years, when he's "let me"....I am now in school...which I had to more or less con him into me getting to go. Took on a part time job to pay the 300.00 a month for daycare..., cause when I told him I was going to school, his reply was...."What the hell YOU going to do with the kids?"...and then he informed me THEY WERE MY PROBLEM! For me to figure it out....of course, I had the answer. Which pissed him off....

He's hindered me the entire time I have been in school. Tried to get me to quit several times.

Its just unbelievalbe at the things I have sat and put up with.

He's hateful.....most of the time, unless he's wanting something.

The only time he touches me is when he wants sex...

I sit and watch him sleep......its like its his job to hold the couch down.

I've been snake bitten (weedeating) ....he told me, that he's had worst scratches on his eye. ( I dealt with it on my own)

I was eat up with yellowjackets.....from weedeating...he got mad cause I woke him up...out of his sleep, screaming in agony. (He was a graveyard worker) I was sick for days over that one, asked him to stay at home that night to help with the kids....he refused.

I hemmoraged one time....bleeding profusely. It started early one morning,...I told him something was wrong, he ignored me....later that afternoon, throwed a fit with me to take him to the lake to meet his friend...to fish a bass tournament, I come home....passed out a few hours later....crawled off into the bed, he come home...I told him again, that there was something wrong...again he ignored me, It took me passing out again, for him to realize that I was dead serious. BUt....we had to go and get his mother to go with us to the hospital, who told them at the ER, that I was just having a bad period, rolling her eyes...afterwards, when they got me checked out, the ER doctor eat them up and spit them out...told them what was going on, that I would have been dead if I hadn't of gotten in there, that why didn't they take me more seriously? 3 days spent in the hospital and a DNC, where was my husband when they took me to have the DNC,.....asleep in the waiting room, my mother couldln't even find him. He didn't even know I had went in.....

Even a few months ago.....I woke up one morning and strecthed, pulled my arm out of socket. I was in terrible pain.....called him at work...and told him that I needed him to come home, it took him and hour and half to get here, (30 minute drive).....leisurely took a shower, than piled up on the couch and asked me what I wanted to do? I'm sitting here....in tears, not able to even move my arm, I told him not to worry about it, that I'd live and was on my way to school. Instead, I took my own self to the ER,...laid on the couch for 4 days on a strong dose of Vicadin...even getting up to cook and do laundry, finally going to see my doctor on that Monday...to have to have an MRI 3 days later...I went again by myself. I was called that following Friday by a nurse that didn't seem to have good news. I had a grandmother that died with bone cancer. And the name of what I had, once looked up....was cancer. They wanted me to come in so they could talk to me....He didn't go, I went alone. They send me on to a specialist.....to my surprise, it was nothing more than what I had done, pulling my arm out of socket, BUt to sit and think that it could have been more serious than that.....and his unconcern.

Theres more than those stories, there are 16 years worth of it...and I'm not a hypochrondiac. But his lack of compassion is what has stuck with me....

Now.....to wind this rattling up....I have sat and talked to him, about the way he treats me...I have been very direct and to the point. Not missing anything. I have told him that once I get out of school and on my feet, that If things don't change, I'm gone. No more putting up with being treated this way. I deserve better...

So....why hasn't he listened to me.....All my life, it seems that all I have wanted was one person to honestly love me....and the man that I married, doesn't seem to. Is it me? Good GOD......others wouldn't have stuck around as long as I have....16 years and no change on his part, it seems to me, that I should have given up long ago. Why punish myself.....? I'm not getting anything out of this deal and have long put in more than I have ever gotten back. And now.....it seems that here I sit, watching him google his best friends ...new girlfriend, whom he works with! And now, finding out that they have been VERY Close for years....thats driving me nutts. And anyone that says anything about her, is just jealous to hear him tell it. He just seems to forget that I exist with her around...Makes me want to throw a big old fit and make a total ass out of myself..and its not just me thats noticed it.

I just can't explain how he make me feel....i'm just emotionless towards him. I have taken the attitude he has with me...."oh well"....no sympathy...no nothing. Why bother.....

GRRRRRR.............help?

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I guess I need to also say, that I'm not typical...to some extent, I have spent our life together doing whatever it is he wanted to do.....because I was raised up doing those same things, hunting, fishing and camping...I enjoy it. Thats the only time we seem to be on the same level. But we don't spend anytime doing what it is that I might enjoy. I do that with girlfriends...or myself.

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It sounds to me like you need to get out of the marriage. It is clear he is mentally abusive, and doesn't care about you or your family. You shouldn't have to put yourself through any more pain here.

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Re: I need some advice!!!!!!

makemeshiver33 wrote:

Now.....to wind this rattling up....I have sat and talked to him, about the way he treats me...I have been very direct and to the point. Not missing anything. I have told him that once I get out of school and on my feet, that If things don't change, I'm gone. No more putting up with being treated this way. I deserve better...

This seems to be the crux of it. You've already laid it on the line, go ahead and follow up.

Best of luck to you.

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How old are your kids? Could you support them on your own? (Don't count on him for child support!) Would your family help? If not, stay in the "marriage" (I use that word figuratively) until you can...then get out as soon as possible. Make your plans now, and start saving money in your own name only. Don't let him find out...he will sabotage your efforts to leave. Why shouldn't he? He's got it made, and he doesn't have to lift a finger. What a bum!

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You need to get organized.

No need to answer these questions online (I'm not intending to pry here), this is just stuff for you to think about:
* Do you have $$ in the bank? Is it enough to live on? For how long?
* Are there people you can rely on for food, shelter and $$ if you need help? I mean, your parents, any syblings? Sounds like his family will be no help whatsoever - I'm talking about your family or friends. You probably can't rely on friends for too much $$ but they might be able to offer a temporary place to stay if you need it.
* How old are the kids? Are they near school age? School is better than day care because you are covered for a few hours for free (and, of course, they're getting an education - right now I'm talking about your circumstances, of course). If they aren't school age, how close is school age? If it's a few months away, you might want to stick it out until the younger one begins school. If it's years away, don't wait that long.
* How close are you to finishing school? A year? Six months? Five years? If it's close to the end, stick it out if you can stand it, because it's going to be easier to finish school if you're still in the same place (even though it's horrible). If the end of school is a year or more away, you shouldn't wait that long.
* Do you have reliable child care? Yes, you have day care, but I'm talking about emergency stuff, in case you have to work late or something like that.
* Because, the next thing I'm talking about is full-time work. Forget whether he "lets" you or not. Go out and work, and if your marriage is ending you're going to need to, anyway, but you need to get some ducks lined up first.
* Are you set in other ways? E. g. do you and your children have health insurance independent of your husband? Is the car in good working order? Do you live in an area where there are opportunities (yes, the economy stinks, but the South is doing better than the Northeast, for example).

Just to sum up, you need to get the $$, school, child care and hopefully the insurance situation together, and get a full-time job, in order to be able to leave him. If any of these are missing, it's not impossible to leave him, but it's far harder. I wouldn't count on him for squat financially, so you're going to need to make this happen. So you need to get dates clear in your mind - when you finish school, when your youngest is in full-time school, when you start a full-time job, and plan leaving around one of those, preferably whichever one comes first.

This is because I firmly believe that you've done all you can do, and there's no reason to stay.

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Makemeshiver--

You don't need advice as much as you need a cheering section. You know you are miserable and that your misery is beginning to hurt your children. You know the situation is not going to change.

Once more, ask yourself the question: "Am I better off with him or without him?"

We can't give you practical help, but we can cheer you on. Go for it. Hold your domininion.

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Thank you for your replies, I guess your ALL RiGHT...I have been trying to get ducks lined up, even though it seems he's holding a shot gun, shooting them down.

My children are 9 and 5, both in school. I finish school myself in January. It seems that the closer I get to that date, the more my stomach churns. The longer I stay in this situation, the more anger I have towards him. I'm tired of the faking this relationship to suit my needs, long enough to be able to stand on my own two feet.

As far as help goes.....there is none. I have friends that would provide a roof for a few days which would help. But its more of a money thing, more than anything else.

In 16 years of marriage, I have never once left. I think he believes I won't. But I'm dead set on it..and will follow through with it.

I guess in the back of my mind is I know, he's going to rip me to shreds. And try to encourage the boys to stay with him, they think he hung the moon, which encounters my next problem. I'm always the bad guy. He'd do it just to spite me, and I know this from other agruements where he's dragged the oldest one into it.

People think that he's a great guy, my saying is..."you don't live with him". Where he'll jump through hoops for others, I'm always left to do things myself. And I have become a jack of all trades because of it.

I just feel like theres nothing else I can do....say, or explain to him. If he's that thoughtless where I am concerned, and has always been, why bother anymore. I live my life according to what I have to do.....keep things like they are, try not to ripple the water too much, till I can do something about it.

So.....yes, I do need some encouragement and a cheering section. Its like I said.....if I could tell everything on this posting....it would take me days to get it all out. And no, I'm not perfect, I have made plenty of mistakes myself. And I have owned up to them. He's never.

I have told him plenty of times...."I cave in to you,...things go good for awhile, then you go and pull the rug out from underneath me again, where my feelings for you are concerned. IT just brings up everything from the past and makes me resent you ever more." But he can't seem to stop it.

I need to stop here....the more I dig into this, the angrier I get.....

Thanks..........

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Makemeshiver--

Rah! Rah! Rah! You can do it.

January, 2004 will mark an end of your life as a talented dormat.

If you have no where else to go, head to your local battered woman's shelter. They will help you file for a Protection From Abuse Order (aka PFA) and give you some advice about filing for Child Support.

Believe me, getting out of this rotten relationship will be easier than living in it.

Rah! Rah! Rah!

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Makemeshiver you say that he does all these horrible things then you need to follow your heart and do what it tells you to do! All we can do is give you and opinion of someone on the outs looking in. 1 I feel no man should ever treat a women this way if I was standing in front of him I would give him a piece of my mind and my fist! 2 He does all these bad things to you, would he try to hurt you or your children if you leave him? and 3 pray to God about it and he will help you better then we ever could! I wish you the best of luck.

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Fred....

He's never laid one finger on me. NEVER. And I don't see him doing that. He gets very angry....which isn't hard to figure out. He's involved our kids before, to make me look bad. Informed the oldest one...one night, that if I left, that I'd be the reason he wasn't around anymore, that it would be my fault.

But the thing I'm afraid of, is him trying to keep the boys. He'd do it just to spite me, even though I don't think he wants that committment all alone.

He's told me that I needed to remember that he could get far on his paycheck..for me to never forget that. And trust me, I haven't.

You know....he has his good points. He has worked his way up the ladder in his job, been there for the last 14 years....makes good money. Hands me his paycheck, I take care of it....

Our oldest son plays ball.....he has taken him to every practice, never missed a game.

Has had the same best friend for the last 25 years. Would do anything for him.

Every one just loves him.....but they don't live with him!

And we dont' fuss and fight like some might think. Its just ..I guess honestly, I figure he's as unhappy as I am and just doesn't have the **ll's to admit it. And I have told him that, why be miserable....that I didn't want to look up one day and be to old to enjoy life anymore and have regrets about not doing something about it when I could.

I just get so beside myself with these feelings. He's taught the boys no respect for me, thats a constant battle where they are concerned. They have watched what he has done, and they follow suit with it. I have told him time and time again, he needed to stop that. But he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I recently went to the doctor and was put on a anti-deppressant, to help with this load that I seem to be carrying around.

But to answer your question.....no, I don't think he would hurt me.....verbally yes, physically....no.

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Makemeshiver, Is sounds more and more like the issue is a RESPECT issue. If you truly feel you should leave then leave! But if you feel that somethings can be saved (Cause people can always change) Seek counceling with him. You say that you want to do things in life before its too late. You got married when? When you were 17? Thats very early, you have missed your college experiece, the clubs the parties, etc. I think children are GREAT and cant wait till I am ready for them so be thankful for that. You are still young if you do leave him that just puts more responsabilities on you as a single young mother. But then again your heartaches and pains will be gone. You really need to go and take a sheet of paper and do the Pro's and Con's about this. Thats the only way you will see what bennifets your children.

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Mental abuse is just as serious as physical, and often more damaging where children are concerned

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it is sad that since you cannot find compassion in your relationship you are looking for it on a discussion forum with anonymous people.
my only advice is: get out of this relationship that is the root of your unhappiness, you are consumed by it and restrained emotionally and physically. this is your only solution, if you ever want to make anything better. everything else won't work, unless you can turn your husband into something he is obviously not.

you are complaining, telling us all the things you suffered, all the things you didn't do... but regreting all those wrong decisions in the past isn't gonna help. if you didn't have the guts to do anything until now, it is time to do it. unless you want to live with a bunch of regrets your whole life, just wondering why you didn't take any innitiative to change your situation.

take control over your life. and don't ask HOW, because nobody can tell you what to do. if you don't do anything, nobody else is gonna do it for you and you will always just feel like a victimn.

you are still young, 33! you could easily make up for the lost time with some strenght, determination and self worth, which i feel you lack. you also seem like you'd rather stay in this dump than take pro-action and do something radical about it, because it's just more comfortable that way. some people prefer to stay eternal victims, because it's easier (and more cowardly) to do nothing than putting loads of effort into changing things.

it is true that kids are your main concern, but you deserve a life as well. i am sorry but i just can't think of staying with somebody purely because they offer me financial support, and no other reason, nomatter how little money i have in the bank. but that's just me.

P.S. god will not help you if you don't help yourself first.

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MissBee,
Your statement

it is sad that since you cannot find compassion in your relationship you are looking for it on a discussion forum with anonymous people.

Is this not what this website is for?

I come here seeking some outside advice, to maybe see things in a different light. To maybe see whether there was another point of view that I wasn't looking at. Get some answers for why some men lack compassion or sympathy, respect for others? You know....am I wrong for feeling the way I do? The only way to get an answer is to tell parts of my life story.

The answers that I have been given or answers that I already know deep down in my heart... Its not that I lack self worth, I'm a very confident person.

And me staying.....Well, like I said, I'm here till I can get on my own two feet and be dependent on myself and not some other person.

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Whatever it is that you do, your no.1 consideration must be your children.
Continuing a dysfunctional relationship can be damaging for children. Going through a messy divorce and custody battle can be disastrous for children. (Almost was for me, 'nuff said.)

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You can do it, makemeshiver. 2004 will be a new year for you in more ways than one.

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makemeshiver33 wrote:

MissBee,
Your statement

it is sad that since you cannot find compassion in your relationship you are looking for it on a discussion forum with anonymous people.

Is this not what this website is for?

Definitely. But what I meant was that it is sad that this person cannot find compassion and respect in her years lasting relationship. I'm not saying she shouldn't be coming on the forum for some kind of reassurance. It is just too bad that she doesn't have it in her life.

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Yea it is sad.....its even sadder to think that I have lost my compassion for him. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Its something that I have tried to show him, cause he certainly doesn't like the shoe on the other foot.

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That's how you know when the relationship is really over. When you don't have strong feelings...when you just don't care what they say or do anymore. I remember feeling completely washed out by the time my first marriage was over. Hope you manage to get out soon...will be thinking of you.

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I need some advice!!!!!!

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