Of God and Man, or Woman?

Sorry for the long story here, but I have to talk to someone... I really just need to talk, I guess. Sometimes, things go so well you get used to it, and then you can't see things change. I hope to think I'm lucky to catch on now instead of when it's too late. Whenever that may be... or was.

I married on Dec 23rd, when I was 20. My wife was the same age; and we were bad. Real bad. She was a stripper in a club just off post, on welfare, neglecting two children by two different fathers. I was an extremely violent "renegade" soldier. Being in combat arms I showed enough dedication to my position to just get by and remain in the service in spite of constant discaplinary rule. I managed to serve out my enlistment at the same rank at which I joined. We were both hopelessly addicted to drugs, anything we could get our hands on. Through a power I believe is no less than divine, we have made it through ten years of this world, and have come so far it's hard to imagine that the people I described above were actually us. Having a child together in 1995 produced a change in both of us. Of course, two junkies raising two kids and creating a third is a horrific thought, but somehow the circumstance worked toward the greater good. It was the sense of being a "real family" that turned things around, to be sure.

After being basically unemployed for 4 years (working a few weeks here and there then going for months between) I finally took up the offer to work in the family business as a stone mason, and though at first I dreaded the very concept of steady work, I became good at my job. Almost fanatical. I replaced my (maternal) grandfather as head mason within two years, being "second in comand" in the company under my mother who ran the books and bid jobs, plus worked on site when possible. (Incredible woman... :wink: )

As I was finding a good place in life, my wife found portence in being a mother, and it was for real... during the first year of our son's life, I saw change in her that I cannot begin to compare to anything or anyone I had ever witnessed. And this newfound will was just the start for her. She had been working the clubs for nine years at this point-- selling a vision, false company, a squeeze here or there, and more when judgement was totally lost. It seemed to me that practically overnight something snapped in her. She quit and never set foot inside a club again, and became completely clean. just like that.

I had a different path to follow. I was still heavily addicted to drugs. The next two years were pivotal for both of us. I continued to work steadily in spite of fighting my addictions. Those were dark years. My wife fought hard to elevate herself and our family through some drive that I cannot place, even today. It was during this time that I decided to let go of my pride and pray with sincerity, and God did indeed answer. I could feel His will in my heart; first that I had to accept that I had no real control over anything, and second, that I must be satisfied that day... not to bow to pride and greed, but to love life as it was given to me on that day. I have fought hard, up to and through this day, to get clean. Alcohol continues to plague me but I have left the rest behind. My goal is peace with God, and trying to understand His will.

My wife doesn't share this with me.

I work day by day and minute by minute to be satisfied and find that peace, while all the time my wife struggles to reach goals of status and financial stability.

Thus our goals conflict. She loves me, no doubt, same as I do her, but the realization of our uncommon goals is crushing. I am affraid that the Beatle's assertion that "all you need is love" is false. How can she be happy or feel support trying to reach her goals by herself?

The answer is, she cant. That thought leaves me with a dark and ripped soul, and faith that I know is right next to me, but can't seem to grab hold of.