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Of God and Man, or Woman?

 
 
Reply Fri 14 Nov, 2003 05:18 am
Sorry for the long story here, but I have to talk to someone... I really just need to talk, I guess. Sometimes, things go so well you get used to it, and then you can't see things change. I hope to think I'm lucky to catch on now instead of when it's too late. Whenever that may be... or was.

I married on Dec 23rd, when I was 20. My wife was the same age; and we were bad. Real bad. She was a stripper in a club just off post, on welfare, neglecting two children by two different fathers. I was an extremely violent "renegade" soldier. Being in combat arms I showed enough dedication to my position to just get by and remain in the service in spite of constant discaplinary rule. I managed to serve out my enlistment at the same rank at which I joined. We were both hopelessly addicted to drugs, anything we could get our hands on. Through a power I believe is no less than divine, we have made it through ten years of this world, and have come so far it's hard to imagine that the people I described above were actually us. Having a child together in 1995 produced a change in both of us. Of course, two junkies raising two kids and creating a third is a horrific thought, but somehow the circumstance worked toward the greater good. It was the sense of being a "real family" that turned things around, to be sure.

After being basically unemployed for 4 years (working a few weeks here and there then going for months between) I finally took up the offer to work in the family business as a stone mason, and though at first I dreaded the very concept of steady work, I became good at my job. Almost fanatical. I replaced my (maternal) grandfather as head mason within two years, being "second in comand" in the company under my mother who ran the books and bid jobs, plus worked on site when possible. (Incredible woman... :wink: )

As I was finding a good place in life, my wife found portence in being a mother, and it was for real... during the first year of our son's life, I saw change in her that I cannot begin to compare to anything or anyone I had ever witnessed. And this newfound will was just the start for her. She had been working the clubs for nine years at this point-- selling a vision, false company, a squeeze here or there, and more when judgement was totally lost. It seemed to me that practically overnight something snapped in her. She quit and never set foot inside a club again, and became completely clean. just like that.

I had a different path to follow. I was still heavily addicted to drugs. The next two years were pivotal for both of us. I continued to work steadily in spite of fighting my addictions. Those were dark years. My wife fought hard to elevate herself and our family through some drive that I cannot place, even today. It was during this time that I decided to let go of my pride and pray with sincerity, and God did indeed answer. I could feel His will in my heart; first that I had to accept that I had no real control over anything, and second, that I must be satisfied that day... not to bow to pride and greed, but to love life as it was given to me on that day. I have fought hard, up to and through this day, to get clean. Alcohol continues to plague me but I have left the rest behind. My goal is peace with God, and trying to understand His will.

My wife doesn't share this with me.

I work day by day and minute by minute to be satisfied and find that peace, while all the time my wife struggles to reach goals of status and financial stability.

Thus our goals conflict. She loves me, no doubt, same as I do her, but the realization of our uncommon goals is crushing. I am affraid that the Beatle's assertion that "all you need is love" is false. How can she be happy or feel support trying to reach her goals by herself?

The answer is, she cant. That thought leaves me with a dark and ripped soul, and faith that I know is right next to me, but can't seem to grab hold of.
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Fri 14 Nov, 2003 05:41 am
There are a number of issues here. First of all, you were 20 years old, when you married. The twenties are years of great change for anyone. You have completely turned around your life, and are going in a new direction.

Your wife has changed too, but not in the same way that you have. The two of you apparently have evolved into very different people, with different values and goals in life. You both need to find out whether there is enough for the two of you in this marriage to keep it going.

My advice to you is to seek out marriage counselling. You are both still very young. If there is enough there to keep the marriage together, you need to learn how to respect each others' aspirations and goals. If there is too much of a dichotomy, you both need to learn how to move on.
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lab rat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 14 Nov, 2003 10:49 am
{Disclaimer: I am coming from a Christian (non-denominational Protestant) perspective, so my reasoning is presumably biased accordingly:}
Quote:
How can she be happy or feel support trying to reach her goals by herself?

If her ultimate goal is money/status, I am of the opinion that she won't be happy even if you join her in her quest. Money and power don't usually translate to happiness. That said, if financial stability and status are what she feels are important to her right now, do what you can to help her pursue her goals without compromising your own principles. If you are seeking peace with God, divorcing/separating from your wife isn't likely to help you out at all. Marriage counseling is probably wise; above all else, pray for your wife and encourage/ask her to pray for you. If she knows you are sincerely concerned for her and her goals she will feel supported even if your desires in life are somewhat different.
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harmonic
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2003 02:51 am
I have a stoic nod of acknowledgement towards this advice... knowing there are no simple answers. I believe you both speak the truth.

In newfound spirituality it's like God just makes the world vanish from beneath your feet; and when I feel His will strongly there is great comfort, but when my humanity rages I feel like any human would without firm footing - falling endlessly. In either case, asking for help is the last thing I should be afraid of. Thanks for the direction guys. Smile
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Ruach
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Nov, 2003 11:10 pm
harmonic, I understand your story.
It's easy.
When you write, "My goal is peace with God, and trying to understand His will. "
Stop drinking. Then start leading by actions. Your wife will slide right into it. She is clean and you have a decent future. Because of the way you were both delivered I see Jesus at work in your life.


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8:35-39


I will pray for you now. And you will know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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