More Quick Gasps And Hot Squishy Sounds In Church Now

More Quick Gasps And Hot Squishy Sounds In Church Now
Mark Morford

A woman accused of having sex with her boyfriend inside St. Patrick's Cathedral as part of a radio show stunt was sentenced to five days of community service. Loretta Lynn Harper, 36, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct.

Harper and Brian Florence were arrested in August 2002 after a cop listening to the "Opie and Anthony Show" heard producer Paul Mercurio say on the air that he was speaking on a cell phone while watching the couple copulate in the cathedral. Florence, 38, died of a heart attack in September, and was welcomed in the afterlife as a hero. Mercurio, 43, was ordered sentenced to seven days of community service.

"If there's one thing the church needs right now in its long bitter history of sexual abuse and spiritual coverup and piousness and cute self-righteousness, it's more naked bodies writhing in the pews having hot intense passionate well-lubed sex," someone probably said, and really meaning it, from deep within this very newsletter.

"You want to deflect hundreds, nay thousands of years of pedophilia and repressed homosexuality and dogma? Get hot male and female bodies in here asap, and have sex on that goddamn altar. You want to diffuse the mountain of hideous juju wrought by all that misogyny and anti-choice sanctimonious hate?

Bonk it hard in the rectory. You want to counter all that insidious condom misinfo and church-caused death? Sit your butt in the holy water and have him get on his knees. Screamingly and moaningly and blasphemously and deeply and divinely, is how you do it. You feel me?"

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2003/11/07/national0649EST0483.DTL&nl=fix