A BAD COOK

You know you're a bad cook when:

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart
stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns
and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on
speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table
every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked
with biohazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but
your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off
the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle
of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese
still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your
recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that
it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!