Now I Can Tell You Everything by Richard Blumenthal

News Reports: Richard Blumenthal, candidate for Senate from Connecticut, admitted Friday that, on occasion, he may have misstated his military service record.

Good morning and welcome to my third press conference regarding statements I have made in the past about my past. I thought I would take this opportunity to clear up a number of issues:

1) Despite mentioning to many of you that Gloria Estefan and I were once engaged to be married, I remember now only that we were once on the same dance floor at a very nice country club.

2) That the summer I spent working with Walt Disney’s Imagineers was really more like a weekend in August of 1979 where I sang all the verses of “It’s a Small World After All” while going through the ride thirty times in a row. Maybe twenty. At least three times, I’m sure.

3) That, although my golfing buddies know how much I like to tell the story about me and three Swedish stewardesses at the Master’s Tournament, in the future if I ever refer to that story it will be about Eleanor Janowitz and the sand trap at #6 of the Mashapaug Country Club. She did take her top off, but that was about it.

4) I have never actually clerked for former Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall, I did meet one of his staff at a party in Virginia and we talked and talked for like hours.

5) I really wanted to go on Outward Bound several summers but mostly I just camped out in a big house on Cape Cod near Wellfleet with a bunch of guys from Cambridge. Not Harvard students, they really were from Cambridge.

6) The work I have done to help the orphans of Rwanda has been less like driving a four-wheel truck through the muck and mire and more like sending a fat check to Sally Struthers ever other year or so.

7) Regarding my winning a Tony Award for Best Song, it was my singing rendition of “Send in the Clowns” which won First Place at the Coogan’s All New York Karaoke Contest in 1989.

8) Apparently I have never swum the length of the Connecticut River; I got that mixed up with that time I did a complete over and back at Lake Congamong up near the Massachusetts border.

9) My family has asked that I reveal that our mother never served us cigarettes and whiskey for breakfast, though I hasten to add that on several occasions the maple syrup she poured on our pancakes was decidedly cold.

10) Lastly, just to be completely clear, any bullets that I claimed to have dodged during my stint in the Marines were likely to be Coors Silver Bullets, probably at Coogan’s and I probably didn’t dodge too many.



Okay, that’s it. See you tomorrow to talk about the recent reports that I didn’t help write the screenplay for “The Graduate”.
--- Joe( I tried really hard not to write this)Nation