Walter Hinteler wrote:
But you must want to stop. And accept the help.
And then ... just do it. Stopping.
I don't remember the last drink I took.
Rather, I remember the first drink I didn't take.
I remember being much sicker than a dog, and looking at that drink.
Like so many times before, I was thinking "I can't do this anymore, I'm killing myself"
It never actually occured to me to stop. Meaning don't take that first one.
I called AA, and they told me there was a meeting starting in a few hours at such and such an address, and could I go that long without drinking?
Funny now, I remember feeling a little indignant, and saying "Well, of course I can." ****, that makes me smile now.
After hanging up I still looked at the booze, and of course it occured to me I'd feel better if I took a drink.
If there was ever any specific moment of clarity, it was then, when I said out loud. "If I take a drink, I'll never stop." I never would have made it to the meeting, never would have tried again, I'm positive. That's just the way I work.
I knew there was no way I wouldn't NOT drink over the next few hours if it was there, so poured it all down the drain.
THAT was the hardest thing I did, watching it go down, willing my hand not to turn back up to take a slug.
That was when I stopped....there was just no going back.
So, I stopped before I went to AA. In all honesty? At first of course it was amazing seeing people not drinking. I did all the right things, blah blah blah...then, I realized it was pretty good entertainment.
I'll be honest, I loved listening at the speaker meetings, to peoples whacked out life stories. I loved it the same way I get into watching those shows about a woman with a 300 lb tumor in her stomach, or the man that has the face of his absorbed twin on his ass.
It kept me busy, when I might have been looking for trouble.
That was the support it gave me, it entertained me and kept me out of mischief.
But you know, you can only listen to that **** for so long. Especially when worthwhile activies were presenting themselves left and right.
After a while, I realized that the people there, the one's who were ALWAYS there, were there because they'd stepped over some line, and now really did make this their entire life. Is that wrong? Not if that's what you decide you want to do. Then it's fine.
The belief that these particular types of people hold, that anyone they don't see anymore are out drinking, or dead, or crazy, is what is irritating.
Imagine being out of shape, and joining a running club.
You start off, start to feel better, keep on running, making friends. Running's pretty good.
Over time, you realize you just not that into running anymore, get introduced to off road biking and think "Wow, this is really satisfying to me! I see so many more possibilities with this, it's fun, and I actually like the group of people that are doing this more. We all just seem to click"
A year or 2 later, you're doing really fantastic, there's no stopping you with this biking stuff. You go on trips, compete, and even think about designing your own bike. You've also discovered you're a good swimmer too.
You occassionally run into people from your running group, who are still running the same circut, taking the same route, at the same speed, every day. "Well.....I haven't seen you around the track for quite awhile....are you.....sitting on the couch, watching TV?"
"Oh hey, hi. Naw I'm not sitting around (you're wondering how this person could say this, as you look ******* amazing.) Actually, I'm into off road biking, and some swimming and fencing now. I'm thinking of de....."
"ohhhhhh....so you haven't been running huh? Welllll, you know...you stop running and you end up watching rerun of Lost and then..."
"No, no, really, I'm in great shape. I'm getting married in 3 months and...."
"Married, huh? Welllllll.....you gotta be careful with getting into these relationships.....I guess she doesn't run either."
"um.....(knowing this will be taken as defensive)....no, actually she doesn't run. She's won medals at cross country skiing, and rock climbs. I don't really do either of those, but, you know, it's good for people to have their own int..."
"well look, we're all gonna meet down at the track later on. I'll tell ya, there would be more than a few people who would be really glad to see your face again. It might be hard for you to get back into the running, but we'll all be there to catch you so you won't fall off again"
"You know (finally getting a little pissed) I really don't LIKE to run. It's a great thing for you, if you like it, but I don't. I doing really wel...."
"yeah, well, just remember, it's your stinkin' thinkin' that got you into the shape you're back in. Sittin' around watching COPS and the History Channel. Just remember you can get off at any floor, you don't have to hit bottom."
(based on actual conversation)