Then, when they beat the alcohol, they have this raging anger or gaping void to deal with. Any conversation about that would be deeply interesting to me.
I didn't have a raging anger. More on that in a moment.
I didn't have a gaping void either. More on that in a moment also.
I wasn't, and I'm not much of a going out type. You didn't see me hanging around in bars making a spectacle of myself. If I was out, I just sat and steady drank and stuck to whoever I was with. Wasn't a mingler. Mostly I just stayed home and drank until I puked, then passed out. That's how I knew it was time to go to bed. I'd throw up.
After a short while, I started hanging out with 2 or 3 other gals I'd met there. We had a regular go to the movies night, went roller skating, out for dinner or coffee. I already had a boyfriend. Um, actually, I think we had broken up by that time, and he'd moved to Miami, I was around Fort Lauderdale. Still close enough for us to remain **** buddies.
I took a 2nd job that I worked 4 hours on Sat and Sun, to buy some nice furniture, and just spend on treating myself and others. That left me the evenings to go on a date.
As far as anger, yeah, I had anger, but not about drinking. It was anger that once I had my head clear, I was able to deal with, and get help with. I don't want to talk about whatever I was angry about then. It was another life, and foreign to me now.
I did feel a tremendous void after I married my first husband, who was heavily involved in AA. I can't really say I was completely duped into marrying him, although so many things came to light afterwards. I realized too late that he derived his entire identity from being the one that everyone called to be their sponsor, and ask advice. He was always being asked to speak at meetings, made it a point to be at every event and was loved by all. If only people knew what he would say about them to me after he hung up the phone, or got in the car with me to leave, or what he would say before going to be with them.
I remember once I had the flu, with chills, a hundred and one fever, weak as a kitten. He came home from work to find me like that in bed. I asked him to get me a cup of tea, anything. He started screaming at me as he changed his clothes that he didn't have time for my bullshit, that he was running late for a meeting he was going to lead down at the jailhouse downtown.
I was just so selfish of me to come between him and the suffering alcoholic out there.
That person I temporarily was is foreign to me now also. Any anger I had has been resolved and at the worst has been replaced with an occassional feeling of revulsion for how he treated others, to make himself look good. And no, talking about it here doesn't mean I'm angry, but since Lash asked...I telling what it was like.
As soon as he was gone from my life, that temporary void vanished also.