Why is it so hard being a human and living amongst the other humans?

I guess it boils down to how much discomfort you take from your friends.
For me: if it becomes a difficult task every time I'd see a particular friend and
I don't feel at ease, why would I bother? I meet with my friends to have a pleasant time and to relax with them, as they do with me, aside from having
mutual interests and thoughts.

I do understand when a friend is ill or has a particular rough time to go through that they need extra patience and help from their friends. However, if it
has become a constant issue and drama, my sympathies vanish and I will remove myself from such a friend.

Small correction, Deb, it wasn't Robert.

I'm sorry for the trauma I made you endure to this day.

I should have put a disclaimer on my post: Not for sensitive souls...

Me too, CJ. But I get that this is all about deb, not her friend.

Are you always so empathetic, deb, or is it just a case of not being able to turn off your professional side when you're around people who express anxiety?

Empathy is a great thing...in moderation. But taken to excess, it can drive a person stark raving mad. I know this from years and years of experience.

Huh? Well, yes, I do try to be empathic with friends...just as they do with ,e.

As you said, this isn't about the friend.

Um... It sounds like you might want to re-evaluate that second judgment.

I get the whole empathy thing, though, since T suffers from it. And I do mean suffers.

Intellectually, she knows that she's not responsible for other folks being upset, but she still feels the upset herself.

I totally "got" everything you said deb, and I do understand anxiety. I also understand legit allergies, and reactions to foods.

I still stand by everything I said.

One can be empathetic and understanding, and not drawn into the drama.
IMO, you made yourself more important in the scheme of things than you are.

This wasn't about her actions, but your reactions.

That's not meant as insult, please don't take it as one. We all do it.


Serious question:
What would have happened, in your best estimation, if the entire scenerio played out, from the time you "kinda" chose the restaurant, if you just let nature take it's course, without intervention?

Perhaps, I don't know, she would have sat by the tank with the seafood, being upset over that. However, because you were in a different area of the restaurant, you got served from a different pot of rice that didn't taste metallic, and there was no waiter walking by to spill broth on her clothes. She might have been so focused on the tank that she didn't notice they were serving chicken feet. Maybe not asking for another table was the best solution.

In another universe, that deb didn't intervene, setting this whole ball rolling, and she isn't sitting around feeling guilty.

Pondering the issue--guilt.

First I gotta say that I truly could not tolerate being with someone like the person you describe--at least not at a meal. I know myself well enough to know this.

Last week I recommended that a friend and I go to a restaurant I like a lot. I hadn't been there in a long time. It wasn't very good. It didn't occur to me to feel guilt or responsiblity until I read this thread. I do feel responsible, but not guilty.

We're all hooked up differently. I worry about all manner of stuff it probably wouldn't occur to most people to think about, but this situation is not in my worry/guilt repertoire.

Go figure.

Ok, Dlowan, that is one of your better ever posts...

On friends in what they used to call neurotic states, or as I said earlier that your friend, Deb, might be ramping up, meaning in anxiety, this is a not entirely unusual occurrence with just about everyone I've ever known, including of course, me. Except maybe for super controlling folks who never show angst. So, it's all part of the yin and yang of friendship over time. I agree that if there is no alteration in modes, if everything is always about one person's devastating moods, difficulties, then I'd reconsider how I'm spending my time. I've rarely had to go there, luckily.

In this case, we know this is a good long time friend, and the question is about one's own dealing with the situation. Guilt about it, nah (from my point of view) - I understand every step of Dlowan's moves - but I can understand hoping the friend is not all fraught over this chook footed dinnertime.

I have a friend like the one you, dlowan, joined for lunch. This friend and I meet often. She complains constantly because she can't eat gluten, or much of anything. I like her, so I don't really say anything about this side of her problems. She has had so much illness and describes at the table what each food does to her frail body. Her lungs, her kidneys + other parts... This isn't too upsetting.

What did bother me is her live-in boyfriend, when he calls her "my princess." This lady is over 60 and he is 40. I don't know, but she seems to like it. It's just that when he calls her his "princess" everybody stops talking - he has the floor! I think this guy does this to focus all attention on him. Weird. She looks a little like a wizard, not a princess.

This lady is a close friend and is a social worker. Her bf works for the water department.
They were in our home one evening and husband (mine) went into our masterbathroom. Within moments there was a huge CRASH. Well, this guy took it upon himself to run back into our bathroom, picking up the glass from a hurricane lamp that belonged to my MIL. What? I felt like saying, get out of my bathroom, but of course did not. Why did he think my husband was his problem?

What I think is this lady is a good friend to me. Why can't we just go out to lunch sans men? These things seem to be affecting our girlfriend relationship.

Far as your friend, dlowan, I probably wouldn't say anything. You didn't anyway, I don't think. Humans. Wonder how a cat would have acted!

Interesting, Pem. Alas, this reminds me of a neighborhood situation back in Venice when an admittedly loony neighbor, but one we all got along with somewhat, suddenly had a wonderful young helper. You can fill out the scenario.

I'm not against older women and younger men, my husband was younger and it worked for decades. But, twenty years? I am thinking trouble city.

Yeah, I get the "wonderful younger helper." If I were, say, 50 and single, I sure would be looking for a guy like those you see on DIY (Do-it-yourself) TV.. .thunder thighs, steel legs, hands the size of hams... bet they could get that lawn mowed in no time, even put in a new driveway.

The problem of reflection I think. Years ago, I used to regularly visit a local woodland, and in time became more and more attached to the place; I would stay for about an hour, or about an hour and a half, using the time to stand around the trees, even wanting to keep my hand placed on their trunks.

Naturally, I'd fear to do this because of other people passing by, yet would find the strength to do it anyway - including having my hand raised to the sun.


Being a human means wanting to gesture to the sun, or to a tree or to a field of grass, yet people feel the need to think of doing such things as obstacles - should they?

Numerous of my questions on this very site have been tagged as Chatbot; why? Because they're intelligent?
If intelligence is meant to be a virtue, why should people fear to exercise intelligence - my answer is reflection.