A People pleaser??? Help

Reply Thu 15 Apr, 2010 05:01 pm
I have been unable to sleep for the past six days. Feeling exhausted and unable to function normally for daily tasks and this make my insomnia even worse.

In short, I have been studying hard for fine art college since last September. Have been perform well until Feb. I was as sick as a dog the second time since Sep. Straight away after recovered from flu, I catch up the missing work while felt extremely tired mentally because of having two bad flu within three month period of time. I tell my self that there's no sick days for study and it is my responsibility to produce good work so just get on with it.

Three weeks later, I noticed out most work I produced during this time are lack of good concentration so the quality of work suffered bec. of it. So I decided to take a break during Easter holiday (two weeks) spending time with my child. As a result I didn't get much work done over the two weeks. I still believed the decision is a right one.

Few days before returning to college, I started to feel very guilty for taking the break though I really need it. I couldn't sleep at night worrying about what would the lecturer think that I didn't make much work during this time. Four days of sleepless nights later, I had some work done (good works) , I went to see the lecturer and he was not impressed at all with the number of work though I explained the reason. I went home feeling terrible bec. it was true that I didn't have much work to show so I kind deserve the cold shoulder from him but on the other hand, I clearly know that even if I did work during the time, my work will be bad work anyway.

Not able to impress the lecturer either by great work or huge amount of hard work really bothers me, too much that I worry too much about it. Also, I think I should able to excused my self for not feel well. Life goes up and down but I am so addicted to the ups that I can't accept myself not able to produce impressive work at all. Then I feel that I am a terrible artist after all because I produce bad work every now and then and something bad is going to happen to me because I am not good at what I am doing. I know this is wrong but I am bitting myself up, big time. Am I a people pleaser, that's why I can't excuse myself for unable to deliver or produce good works sometimes, I care too much the lecturer's cold shoulder.

Now every night I am worrying that I won't able to sleep tonight so I won't be able to functioning normally tomorrow...
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Reply Thu 15 Apr, 2010 09:00 pm
Dude - you've got to chill-lax.

What's the worse thing that could happen with the lecturer?
Are you going to fail the class?
Do you need to take time off from school?
Really, your anxiety is making you suffer.

Spending time with your child was very important. Stop beating yourself up for making that decision.

Be at peace with yourself because you chose to spend time with your child. You can do the assignments later or not at all.

You have GOT to get some sleep.
Reply Fri 16 Apr, 2010 05:11 pm
Thanks. I thought the same too but for some reason I just couldn't be at peace with myself. I am eager to find out what the wrong with me so I can fix it so I won't be suffer the next time.
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Reply Fri 16 Apr, 2010 05:50 pm
Hi, zh. I somewhat know what you are experiencing, but want to speak to you about your constant questioning of self. I think it would be good for you to understand that to be an artist does not mean that you do well in school at all times, or in life at all times. Many wonderful artists stopped with school or avoided it in the first place. Teachers are just teachers - many are wonderful to some students, many are off in their own far away places. A mentor of mine who became a later colleague said he was always interested in the students who were not just facile.

My own last painting show was my poorest, in that I'd had eye trouble all that year I was painting and started to avoid painting for the show. I did finish, but I varnished some of the paintings too early, thus definition was lost. But I don't think I'm a bad painter - that was that year, and that realm of depression.

I'd like you to start liking and believing in yourself. Not all adults in superior positions are superior, we are all fragile human beings to some extent.

I don't have any idea where you live so I can't make any useful comments re your art community..
Reply Sat 17 Apr, 2010 10:11 pm
I live in Dublin, Ireland. Thanks no matter what.
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