Atheist finds way to assist born agains!

....When the Righteous are whisked to heaven, their cats and dogs will remain behind. That’s where Bart Centre and a service named Eternal Earth-Bound Pets steps in. For $110, Mr. Centre will ensure that a pre-screened atheist animal lover will take care of your pet. The service is offered in 22 states, and has recently added llamas to the list of eligible pets.

I extend an offer of my own services to our Wordsmoker family. Please be assured that I will be here to care for your beloved pets after the Rapture. I will not be among the Saved. My criminal history of home invasions, discharging a weapon at a parade float during the Sheboygan Bratwurst Days Festival, operating an ice cream truck at an unsafe speed while running an unlicensed day care service in the back of said ice cream truck, staging monkey knife fights, and taking indecent liberties with a mailman all preclude my passage to Heaven.

Rapture
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


The Rapture is the gathering together of all Christians up into the air at the time of the return of Jesus Christ. The primary passage used to support this idea is 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17, in which Paul cites "the word of the Lord" about the return of Jesus to gather his saints.
...and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air.


There are two primary views among Christian denominations regarding the nature of Christ's return:
Dispensationalist Premillennialists (such as many Evangelicals, especially in the United States) hold the return of Christ to be in two stages. 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17 is seen to be a preliminary event to the return described in Matthew 24:29-31. Although both describe a return of Jesus in the clouds with angelic activity, trumpets, heavenly signs, and a gathering of the saints, these are seen to be two separate events. The first event is to be unseen, the rapture proper, when the saved are prophesied to be 'caught up,' from whence the term rapture is taken. The 'second coming' is the public event when Christ's presence is prophesied to be clearly seen as he returns to end Armageddon. The majority of dispensationalists hold that the first event immediately precedes the period of Tribulation. (See chart for additional Dispensationalist timing views);


Amillennialists (such as Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, Anglicans, Lutherans, Presbyterians (PCUSA), and others), Postmillennialists (such as some Presbyterians, and others), and Historic Premillennialists (such as Calvinistic Baptists, and others) hold that the return of Christ will be a single, public event. All passages regarding the return of Christ, such as Matthew 24:29-31, 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17, 2 Thessalonians 2:1-3, Revelation 1:7, etc., describe the return of Jesus in the clouds amidst trumpets, angelic activity, heavenly signs, a resurrection, and a gathering of saints. Although some (such as some Amillennialists) take this event to be figurative, rather than literal, these three groups maintain that passages regarding the return of Christ describe a single event, and that the "word of the Lord" cited by Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17 is the Olivet Discourse which Matthew separately describes in Matthew 24:29-31. Although the doctrinal relationship of the rapture and the Second Coming are the same in these three groups, Historic Premillennialists are more likely to use the term "rapture" to clarify their position in distinction from Dispensationalists.

.....Taking Eternal Earth-Bound Pets' lead, we've come up with a few other business ideas that we believe have great potential of thriving before, during and after the rapture period. We urge you to act fast:

Heathen Life Insurance - For those of you who know you are going to be caught up in the rapture, but are also pretty certain that your wayward spouses or children will be left behind, this insurance will make incremental cash payouts as needed to your loved ones for incidentals like fire-proof clothing, dental work due to increased gnashing of teeth, and ear plugs to drown out the incessant sound of moaning.

Pre-Paid MRE Gift Certificates - MRE's (meals ready to eat) are a staple of the potential disaster crowd and you can cash in on the craze too by buying up stores of MRE's and then selling gift certificates to those who are sure they will be raptured to give to their less-fortunate family members to cash in once the apocalypse is upon them. You'll be selling peace of mind to your clients that the loved ones they left behind will have at least one square meal a day thanks to their capacity to plan ahead.

Psychological Counseling Services for Evangelists and False Prophets - That's right, the ones who preached the hardest about fire and brimstone, but who, in the end, didn't make the final cut, will be left down here to be ridiculed by the very people they ridiculed. They are going to need the most help dealing with their failure, and with all that money in their coffers, you may just clean up.

Reality Counselors - As with fallen religious figures, there are going to be a huge number of regular folks as well left behind who honestly thought they would be caught up in the rapture. They will be disillusioned and in denial, but with the proper counseling, they may eventually come to accept their Lot in life and carry on as if nothing has changed thanks to your psychological handiwork......

No, no, don't explain!

No, no, don't explain!

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Loved pets take on biblical proportions
PUBLISHED : 23 MAR 2010 | THE AUSTRALIAN FINANCIAL REVIEW | MIKE DI PAOLA

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You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? ....For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved.