Help with Husband!!!!!

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I continue to find porn on my husband's computer. To make this worse to me, a photo will come up and it will be of some disgusting 500 lbs lady doing who knows what. We have only been married two years. We had a special needs child May 2009 and have only had sex once since I found out I was pregnant in August 2008. I am so turned off by my husband. Everything I do or say he argues with. I take care of our special needs child 24 hours a day, and can barely get any help at all from him. He says he works 8 hours a day and he is too tired. I lived in a children's hospital with my child for the 1st 6 months after he was born, and since we've gotten home have slept on a couch alone in my child's room because he requires constant care. My husband says I should make time for him. He talks badly about everyone we see (even my family, although they help pay our bills because of our situation), everyone on TV, just everyone in general. If even drops something on the ground he curses and yells. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know how to fix my marriage. We really have nothing in common but our child. We don't get along, and we have no sex life. I feel like we are just 2 people that live in the same house. When I was about 3 months pregnant my husband told me he was going to lunch with a group of people at work. However, he went to lunch with one woman from work that is "in love" with him and got caught. Although he still lies about it, when my own father saw him. He had lunch outings with "groups" quite frequently before this. He constantly makes fun of the woman saying she is ugly and makes fun of her weight. I would say she is about 350 lbs. I weigh maybe 180 lbs, and have starting running to get myself in better shape. But when I was on his computer loading some photos of our son, I noticed all of these porn sites. I decided to check them out and they were all very large women, maybe 500 lbs or so. Which makes me wonder even more if he was really cheating on me with the woman from work. He has no friends, and he doesn't even want to make any. He does want me to be healthy. I get about 45 minutes a day as a break and I use it to go running. (One of us always has to be with our son.) He accused me of looking for boyfriends online, because I had "Singles" junk mail in my spam email. He says he's so "in love with me." And he only wants to sleep with me... but he looks at porn every single day. And The porn he looks at is disgusting. He says he will work on things. I've changed almost everything about me. And when I ask him if he's working on anything we've talked about to fix our relationship, he says he doesn't remember what he is even supposed to be working on. My parents had to buy me a car so my son and I could go to his doctor visits. My husband spends all of our money on things he wants, and we have to go weeks without groceries. When we fight he tells me that me and our son are just holding him back. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want the marriage to work. But I just don't feel like it ever will. We are just so different. What can/should I do?!?!

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You obviously need professional guidance. Ever thought of seeking advice from a marriage guidance councillor?
Your hubby sounds like a lot of self centered males out there, which is a shame because the rest of the male species is pretty terrific. You just happened to marry a creep/jerk. It happens to the best of us, me included.
Why you would want to 'fix' your marriage/relationship is a puzzlement to me. I'm just looking at your predicament from my point of view, and if I wanted to improve my marriage the first thing I'd be doing is seeking professional help. Failing that, I'd be opting for a divorce. But this creep/jerk you are married to sounds too dreadful to bother with. I'm wondering why no one else has bothered to respond to your plea for advice. Dump the piece of ****. You and your special-needs son would be far better off in the long run without him. I suspect that while you are weighed down by your pathetic husband, people other than your parents are not going to want to help you. It's human nature. It might sound unfair and cruel, but so-called friends would steer clear of you because of your anti-social spouse. Your problem is a huge one, and you really do need to spend time with a professional councillor who will give you the best advice possible. That is their job, listen to them. All the best. drillersmum.

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@specialmommy,

specialmommy wrote:

We had a special needs child May 2009 and have only had sex once since I found out I was pregnant in August 2008.

Maybe your husband is disgruntled about something?

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@roger,

Well, I'd think she's kinda tired from all the care she's gotta give.

My suggestion: get help with caring for your child. Contact your insurance carrier, see if they will pay for you to get a nurse or tutor or someone to help, or if they will pay for a few hours of care in an offsite location (a school or day care center). This is only going to become more of an issue as your child gets older. At some point, it will become hard for you to lift him or her and you are going to need help anyway. Plus you will not live forever. Hence -- even though your child is still very, very young -- you've got to not be the one caregiver almost 24/7.

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Yes. Depending on where you live and the family income, you or the child may be eligible for assistance. Have you checked this out? You must get outside help, with our without your husband in the picture. You cannot keep up this pace forever, especially the sleeping arrangements. You are getting sleep deprived.

Congratulations on your running and getting healthy. Perhaps this is a reason your husband resents you. You are not the same "large woman" he once had. you are changing and he is threatened by that.

He seems fixated on large women. He looks at them online and is messing around with one at work. He may or may not have a problem, but that's him. How he treats you is another thing. If he is disrespectful of you, then you need to look at the marriage and decide if this is how you want to live.

You do, however, need to get some outside help for your child so you can get back to your marriage and decide if you want to stay. You owe yourself and your spouse to confront this with your full attention.

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@roger,

Thanks for all of the suggestions. The situation with my son isn't as bad as it seems. It is only temporary. My improves daily, hopefully by his 2nd birthday will be rid of all the medical equipment and such and be able to live like a normal child. We had home health nurses, but I fired them, due to the fact that they gave him wrong doses of medications and I caught several of them sleeping on the job. My son is a pleasure and taking care of him is real joy. I only wish I had the help from my husband/his father. He can be whatever he wants about the sex we haven't had, but I will not force myself to sleep with someone that comes home and doesn't say 2 words to me the entire time he is home. He normally just leaves again on his motorcyle which he bought when I was 8 months pregnant and begging him to buy a crib, stroller, etc. I'm uncomfortable with the porn, but I could completely deal with it if he showed he actually cared for me, or wasn't looking at it daily. I feel like a wife and family should be priority over the desire to look at porn.

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@specialmommy,

Unfortunately I don't feel like it will get any better. He isn't willing to change for anyone (words from his own mouth). I have a degree and I am even going back to school to become and RN when my son is a little older. I'm very social and outgoing, and I'm interested in helping others with children like my own. I don't want to sit at home with him and be antisocial and miserable. I want someone to laugh with, talk to, sleep with, etc. I want a partner to my team, not someone that wants everthing handed to him and gets everything he wants. Marriage is about compromise, because let's face it not everyone gets along all the time. But I need someone willing to compromise. I've tried to tell him several times that we just aren't made for each other, but he screams at me and then comes back to say he doesn't want a broken home for our son. I think he is more frightened that he has no idea how to take care of our son so he won't get to see him. But I would never keep our son from him. I just wish if we did split it could be an on "friendly" terms for our sons sake. We don't agree on anything, I just wish he would agree to disagree and go our separate ways. Maybe there is someone else for him, I know there is for me, and I'm ok with that.

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@specialmommy,

it is not about the incompatibility of the individuals, you never found out. This marriage was sufficated....before you had a chance to be married all of the oxygen was sucked out of the room by a special needs child.

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@specialmommy,

Quote:

I need someone willing to compromise.

Darned straight you do!

Quote:

Maybe there is someone else for him, I know there is for me, and I'm ok with that.

I'm wondering what is stopping you from filing for divorce?

You sound like a strong woman who's not getting any help from her partner. Wouldn't things be better for you and your son without this person?

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

The marriage was going bad befo our child came along! My child has done nothing but be A precious gift from God!

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@BorisKitten,

At this time my child can't even leave our house except to go to the doctor, so going back and forth from parent. To parent would. Be impossible. But a divorce may be in the future!

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so
there is nothing stopping you from getting a divorce then .

You are doing all of the primary care and if it is out of the question for your baby to travel, then.. he doesnt plain and simple.

MAY be in the future?
are you happy with things this way?
This is how the relationship is just starting
I would whole heartedly suggest moving out.

Be seperated for a while. Learn to live with what YOU want. Relax into being a mom . Stop being so on edge about what to find on his computer next and just BE for a while.
Forget the anxiety and constant mind battle of what he is viewing, when and how often. Its not going to stop. So you stop.

This cycle continues if neither of you do anything. But dont put that expectation on to him, YOU take lead and YOU make the move. Break the cycle and you will see what you need.

A speration is not permanent, but may be the drastic change you both need. If he isnt willing to help with the child, he doesnt need to be in the house anyway Smile

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@specialmommy,

I only read the first line, and i did not feel the need to read more... Your husband is an unjust man... Sex without love is a form of violence, and your husband is violent and resentful... He is addicted to sex, and I would bet it helps him to compensate for all the insecurities in his life that he cannot manage... You both have a problem... Yours is worse...
Okay... I took the trouble to read your entire post... Good for you trying to get into shape... I ran a five K with a lousy time last night in the heat and humidity... I really expect that your husband wants to look at women in general and humanity in contempt... My bet is that inside, at his core, that he is really quite dangerous... Was he raise as a single child by his mother as a single parent???

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Help with Husband!!!!!

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