Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 07:26 am
do ppl when griefing make knee jerk decisions... my bf, has has gone back to his ex partner...
  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 1,640 • Replies: 17
No top replies

 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 07:33 am
@carrie30,
Probably. Grief is an extremely powerful emotion.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 07:42 am
@carrie30,
His partner or in other word his wife!

Next time try to find a single guy not a married one and you might have a better outcome.

When I was single it always did annoyed me that some hot girl would bypass me for someone with a wedding ring on his finger.

Now that I had a ring on my own finger it amused me greatly that some women seem far more willing to flirt with me then they were in my younger and single days.

Women are crazy is my only theory concerning this strange behavior.
0 Replies
 
carrie30
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 07:45 am
this guy was not married when I was with him.. he had been seperated for months.. i dont know his wife.. but yes he has gone back...they are seperated a yr now..but week before he was saying, how happy he was with me, then he spends time with ex, as anniversary of their childs death.. & two days later he says he is giving a go again..i feel it is knee jerk reaction with grief...
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 08:14 am
@carrie30,
Quote:
he had been seperated for months


Big deal he was still a married man not a divorce man living or not living with his wife.

Next time find a man who is not married and with no other woman in his life and you are far more likely to have a better outcome.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 08:20 am
@carrie30,
The original knee-jerk reaction might have been the separation from his wife following the death of their child. There are a lot of marriage stressors when children are ill, or die.

It could be quite a while before he/they determine where they really want to be as a couple/family.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 08:29 am
@ehBeth,
EhBeth I am not even talking about the morals of getting involved with a married man instead only the fact that doing so is placing a sucker bet for any woman.

With all the singles guys in the world looking for a partner why the hell did she zero in on a man that was still married and going through emotional problems on top of that fact?

She played a fool game and as a result got hurt.

Instead of blaming grief for him going back to his wife, she should look at the situation in a straight forward manner and know that was a very likely outcome from the start of her relationship with him.
0 Replies
 
firefly
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 09:07 am
@carrie30,
Quote:
he spends time with ex, as anniversary of their child's death.. & two days later he says he is giving a go again..i feel it is knee jerk reaction with grief...


It sounds as though this man is still married, he was just separated from his wife. Now he has decided to try to reconcile with her.

The loss of a child is a profound loss, and the stress associated with a child's death can put a terrible strain on even a good marriage. But the couple still may retain their bonds of shared love for the child, as well as their shared grief over the loss. With the passage of time, the most acute feelings of pain and anger, which accompany the death, may subside, and this decreases the amount of conflict between the couple, allowing them to again experience what was positive and mutually supportive in their relationship. That allows them to reconsider the separation, and to try to work things out. What brings the couple back together would be their entire shared past history, both the happy memories and the shared trauma they experienced with the loss of their child.

Something this man experienced when he went to see his wife led him to feel that the past problems in their relationship could be worked out. They may be relating differently to each other than they were a year ago. The original separation may have occurred at a time of heightened negative emotions due to the child's death. As those emotions have lessened, the couple can discuss things differently and evaluate their relationship with more balance.

Quote:
i feel it is knee jerk reaction with grief...


No, that may not be the case. In fact, the separation may have been the knee jerk reaction to grief. Now that decision is being reconsidered.

This man may well like you and be very happy when he is with you. But he is a married man, and he has decided to work on his marriage. You should just accept that. If things don't work out with his wife, he might come back to you. But, for now, you should just let him go and do what he needs to do.



0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 09:21 am
Quote:
If things don't work out with his wife, he might come back to you.


Holding out that kind of very unlikely hope to the woman is not doing her any great service in my opinion.

She should get on with her life and find a man who is free of all current emotional and legal entanglements.

Otherwise she is just letting a suck bet ride taking more and more of her lifetime with it.
firefly
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 10:20 am
@BillRM,
If she wants to hold out hope, that's up to her. What's most important is that she just let this man go, and not do anything to interfere with his marriage. If she really cares about him, she will simply accept his decision to go back to his wife and consider her relationship with him over.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 10:37 am
@firefly,
Sadly, if she was that logical the chances are that she would not have gotten involved with him in the first place.

Nor does her writings to date show any sign that she can override her emotions and look at the situation coldly.

I would bet she would allow him to play her on the side for years if he wishes to do so and there is a good chance she will indeed try to interfere with his marriage.

Not that the man does not deserve those kinds of problems still his wife does not.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 03:49 pm
@BillRM,
Quote:
Nor does her writings to date show any sign that she can override her emotions and look at the situation coldly.


Very few people can do this about decisions important to them. Even buying a car - the final choice is usually based on emotions rather than pure logic.
firefly
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 05:13 pm
@vikorr,
This woman isn't even really admitting that the man is married. That fact shouldn't be influenced by her emotions. He's married, he was just separated from his wife, and now he's gone back to her. But he's been married all along.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 05:35 pm
@firefly,
I know many people that think differently to that. Marriage doesn't mean what it once did to many people - to those many, divorce is just a piece of paper that legally seals off the separation, but it is the separation that matters.

That's not to say I disagree with you - just pointing out that beliefs are changing. If you get involved with a separated but married man, especially one who's breakup follows the death of a child...there's little room left to complain if he decides to go back and try to make his marriage work.

However, that is talking about logic. My point in the previous post was that emotions usually rule over logic.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2010 06:26 pm
@vikorr,
Quote:
However, that is talking about logic. My point in the previous post was that emotions usually rule over logic.


The word logic here is used to mean looking at the universe as it happens to be not as we dream it to be.

The man was married to another woman all through their relationship even if she does not care to acknowledge that fact or not.

Sometime life required that we take off our rose color glasses and if we refuse to do so then we can end up with all kinds of unneeded heart breaks and wasted years.
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Apr, 2010 01:32 pm
We also don't know if the separation was BEFORE the loss of the child or after.

Many people get involved with other people who are "separated" from their spouse. Silly as it seems, it does happen.

What she didn't see was that he was still very connected to her.

Hope she can see this as a learning experience. She's hurting, too.
Pemerson
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Apr, 2010 03:19 pm
@carrie30,
Good luck to you carrie30. Let the guy go. Losing someone that you think you are maddeningly in love with is very painful, it is like a death and has probably happened to everyone, or will. As anyone who has lost a love knows, the pain is almost unbearable.

Pour your sadness into something creative - art, college classes, a sport, Yoga. Improve yourself in some way. Make yourself beautiful. Make new friends. Go on a trip.

A death has happened to your bf too.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Apr, 2010 03:24 pm
@sullyfish6,
If we put together the information carrie posted on this thread, and the info on her "guidance" thread, it appears the couple separated within about a month of the death of their child (about a month after, I think).
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » grief
Copyright © 2019 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.04 seconds on 09/18/2019 at 10:03:24