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Met a guy, 9mths ago, who at time wasnt looking for love, neither was i. He had lost his child 4 mths previous, his marriage had gone & but we fell in love. We had a great time, and in feb he started to pull back, he needed to grieve..he tried to finish with me, but couldnt, he regreted ever saying it..I told him take time, he need to go this process. When we were together, we discussed everything, how unhappy his marriage was/she manipulated him/her way or no way..etc. I showed him equal loving/partnership.. he started making knee jerk decisions, but two weeks ago, he wanted to met me for a fun weekend..we didnt meet. He stayed at marital home that night ,as ex was away..and my guess he grieved the child..as her room still the same. Since then, he has been distant & on thur said he was going back to try to work at his marriage..not sure he could fix it, but he would live or die by his decision. I am gutted for obvious reasons..but feel he is making another mistake...I told him in reply to his email, dont make any rash decisons, your not in right head space, take time, and if you want to work at marriage do in 3/4 mths when all anniversaries of death are over...and your head space a bit better... What should I do... I know I cant contact him...but anyone any words of wisdom

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Don't date married men -- particularly ones who have unresolved issues. And, for mercy sake, NOT ones who are still grieving the passing of a child. What are you thinking? If he didn't have the common decency and common sense to avoid any extra-marital entanglements or affairs, you should.

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@Ragman,

And of course Ragman is the model of righteousness, whose wisdom we all bow to, and who well tell you he his has faults (so that he doesn't seem too superior), but not THAT fault

That said, you let your heart get involved in a very MESSY situation, and quite frankly, it will stay messy for some time - the loss of a child, is often coupled with the breakdown of a marriage, and people involved will always wonder if it's not the marriage that's the problem, but the grief they are both going through - so even after the breakdown (and in your case, a bit of relief with you...putting some perspective on his emotions), it can be quite natural for him to want to try again. What do you think he feelings are for his wife in relation to the grief she's going through?

Also, whether or not you think he is making a mistake, you are disrespecting a decision that is very important, and the reason you are doing so is for your own emotional needs, not his.

It may hurt a bit, or hurt quite a lot, but this is one tangled web you should remove yourself far from. Maybe one day he will come back to you, though I'd advise against getting entangled with him again, in any way.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Vikorr: It's pretty simple here... she asked for advice, I gave it. Whereas no one, certainly not me, asked for your review of my advice.

If you don't like my comments, just scroll on past.

BTW, nowhere did I write that I was flawless. I simply responded to a request for an opinion and guidance. Oddly, we suggested a similar suggestion to avoid future involvement.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Hi Ragman, it's not odd that we suggested a similar course of action. My post replying to yours was not to do with the direction of your suggestion, but the insults you threw at her.

Everyone's 'advice' posted here is open to review. You may decide that you don't replies in relation to one of your posts, and suddenly decide that you don't want the review. That's a personal feeling of yours, and doesn't make your post any less open to review, especially when you put people down under the guise of helping them.

You claim

Ragman wrote:

she asked for advice,I gave it ...and... I simply responded to a request for an opinion and guidance

But you wrote this :

Ragman wrote:

What are you thinking? Translation in context of next statement of yours : you don't have any brains If he didn't have the common decency and common sense to avoid any extra-marital entanglements or affairs, you should. Translation : you don't have common decency, nor do you have common sense

Implicit in the first quote of you, is a claim that all you gave was advice, which is a deception on your part, for you also included put downs. Perhaps you only engaged in self-deception when you claimed to be giving just advice - that is something for to you to decide.

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@vikorr,

Frankly, I don't accept your comments and interpretation of my behavior on A2K as useful to me or anyone. Just more odd behavior on A2K. What a waste of time and such overly analytical claptrap. Furthermore, the phrase 'What were you thinking' is hardly the insult you built it up to be.

Here's a suggestion, instead of taking all the effort and time reviewing my comments, why not just scroll on past? Or perhaps better, focus your effort in ways that might really help others.

1 Reply

@carrie30,

As noted in the other thread you started with the same question, the fellow is married, he made a mistake in starting another relationship while he was still grieving.

It will likely take another year or two before he and his wife have gone through the most intense part of grieving, and before either of them is ready to move onto a relationship that they will be able to sustain.

At worst, this is an opportunity for you to learn about the process of grieving.

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@ehBeth,

well said/written, Ehbeth

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Carrie - one of the ways people grieve in a negative way is to find distractions - it can be gambling, shopping, drinking, overesting, overworking, sleeping and - yes - having affairs. I am sorry, but you are filling that need for him. He is not ready to have a realtionship with you just yet and his yo-yo behavior shouws that.

Please end this and find yourself a fellow that can show qualilty attention to you. What you have right now is a frightened, depressed, distracted, grieving man who has many emotional steps to take before he is ready for any kind of relationship.

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@Ragman,

Ragman wrote:

Frankly, I don't accept your comments and interpretation of my behavior on A2K as useful to me or anyone.
Usefulness of such things of course depends on whether a person understands, agrees, and changes their behaviour, so you are right about it being useless to to you.
What a waste of time and such overly analytical claptrap.
That's a matter of perception, though again, I'll point out that you can't help adding insults in
Here's a suggestion, instead of taking all the effort and time reviewing my comments, why not just scroll on past?
That you for the suggestion, sometimes I do, but other times, it's not a suggestion I think is right, because the behaviour of insulting/putting others down on the pretext of being helpful happens to be something I dislike. And this is something you do engage in.
Or perhaps better, focus your effort in ways that might really help others.
Sometimes this really is helpful. Whether you see it or not is up to you. Certainly I hope it reduces the instances of the sort of behaviour that you've displayed and we've been talking about, if not with you, then with others.

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@vikorr,

I've never interacted with you knowingly on A2k so I have no idea why you assume you know anything about me. I would say convincingly that it's clear that you've nothing better to do but over-analyze and be a total bore! You behave in the same exact you way you are claiming that I do. What a loser.

Really! Just get a life you pretentious pedantic asshole!

2 Replies

@Ragman,

I like both of you.

Go to your corners.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

honestly, Osso, I was stumped so I looked up where I might have been on threads where Vikkor appeared on any other thread. I understand know what I'm dealing with or better... NOT dealing with.

Well, I'm back to watching something interesting on National Geo channel on cable about Tube worms and Chemosynthesis living in volcanic undersea environment'.

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@Ragman,

Ragman wrote:

I have no idea why you assume you know anything about me

I've only commented on what you've displayed, and made know assumptions about anything else about you. Claiming I'm assuming to know things about you is yet another deceptive claim on your part.

Ragman wrote:

I would say convincingly that it's clear that you've nothing better to do but over-analyze and be a total bore!

Again, you feel you have to resort to insults. It's a course of conduct that I've been speaking of.

Quote:

You behave in the same exact you way you are claiming that I do.

Care to back this up? Or just engaging in more deception?

Quote:

What a loser.

Again, resorting to insults?

Quote:

Really! Just get a life you pretentious pedantic asshole!

And yet again. Seriously, have you not yet understood that personally I don't care what you call me? I do care is that you believe that your behaviour is acceptable when it is not, and also that others come here with low self esteem, personal issues, and usually an inability to understand why advice such as yours leaves them feeling worse...so I see no reason to encourage that behaviour, nor not to call you on it. Sadly, I also feel sad for this area of your life, though I don't expect you to understand that.

Hi Osso,

As long as you've known me, you will also have seen me point out when people are being insulting under the deceptive pretext of 'just helping people'. Ragman has been one of people who display this ongoing behaviour on a number of occasions (as I recall, this isn't the first time I've pointed this behaviour out to him). I see no reason to not point out that his behaviour is negative, and in the second instance, not what he claims it is.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

You know ... you're showing how dense you are, but that's not the worst thing in the world. Actually, I'm in awe because you think someone benefits your endless wisdom and pedantic diatribe. To say the least, you are truly out of touch. the fact you attempt to decide what others behavior is acceptable and what is not is your own downfall. No matter as you're just a bug to be swatted.

My guess is you're an out-of-work former professor. Anyhow, Bye bye

1 Reply

I think vikorr has a synthesis, or approaching synthesis on his view, that he works on questions, and is strongly engaged in that. I go along, nodding, but not always. Plus, I'm chary of synthesis as a package.

I think that Ragman has his own views and emotions to back those. He tends to be pedantic, remonstrative. He tends to scold.

some times I agree..

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@ossobuco,

Sorry you were drawn into this. My apologies to you and others for my contribution to the tediousness.

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@Ragman,

Obviously you didn't benefit, but that was always up to you. If change isn't possible, then eventual discouragement to such behaviour isn't a bad end. That others put up with it is a shame.

By the way, buy a book or two (or 3 or 4 or as many as you like) on anger and it's many causes, and you'll realise that most of your insult hurling is based in fear - that's why I personally find this behaviour sad. I don't know much about you, and the comment is only about the limited scope of the behaviour displayed here.

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@ossobuco,

Sometimes telling is good...but most times we don't have all the information, and many times it's more effective / long lasting for a person to reach their own conclusions.

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