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Mon 22 Mar, 2010 10:23 pm
If can, edit it:
My thought struggled at confessing, somehow hesitation ended in flinching. I continued my role of a fool, clinched to my maiden pride, yet secretly indulged in your promise of the white land -- snow measuring down to us, in your arms I am lifted up. The chiming of Christmas bell!
@oristarA,
If can, edit it:
Does Chinese not often use pronouns, Ori?
If you can, [please] [could you] edit it:
@oristarA,
Can it [get]
be improved?
I don't think that it needs any editing, Ori. It's your poem/your baby.
@JTT,
I hoped. But not my baby.
Thank you JTT.
The chiming of a Christmas bell. [even poetry needs an "a" here]. Maybe some verb for snow other than "measuring" "drifting slowly down over us" or something like that but less wordy.
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