Why do men shake hands with men and kiss women; why do women put up with it?

@Robert Gentel,

Robert Gentel wrote:

Hey there. Long time no see.

Where are you talking about? That is how things work in Brazil, but I always had to remember not to go in for the kiss when greeting women in the US. In the US most people don't ever kiss the women to greet them in my experience, and most women would be very taken aback by it.

As for me, I just wish we could just greet without any touching myself. In Brazil they thought I was standoffish if I didn't kiss, in America they might lurch back if I kissed. Personally I was just always fine with "hello" and a nod and it's what I tend to do unless someone else tries to hug me, kiss me or shake my hand at which point I usually just go with the flow.

George Washington was said to dislike shaking hands,
preferring a simple bow.

David

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Sometimes, I salute, if I 'm wearing a brimmed hat.

David

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@ossobuco,

Quote:

I remember having a pretty hard time explaining on a2k why there were a few times I didn't like being called a lady

That is funny. On a recent thread I was given a fair amount of grief after explaining that I don't like being called a gentleman.

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@Eva,

Eva wrote:

American men are so afraid of looking gay that they never kiss other men, not even in greeting.

Which also explains why the traditional "hey-howya-doin'-blowjob" has fallen into considerable disfavor.

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@BumbleBeeBoogie,

BumbleBeeBoogie wrote:

I've been annoyed for many years at the custom of men in public settings have a custom, when greeting them, to shake hands with men but they kiss and hug women. Why don't they shake hands with women?

Maybe because women don't speak up to the men who hug them? Case in point: About two years ago, when you and I first met at Dys's, I distinctly remember hugging you. I hugged you twice, in fact: when we met and when we said good bye. It never occurred to me that this annoyed you, because you didn't say a word about it. In fact, you hugged me back both times. I'm sorry if I annoyed you -- but how was I supposed to know? More generally, how is any man you meet supposed to know if you don't say something?

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@Thomas,

Hmmm...that's kind of awkward, though.

I do think (unless the whole damn shebang is so customary that everyone does whatever is de rigeur automatically) that a hugger has an obligation to be sensitive, as the huggee has some obligation to indicate to the hugger if they don't want to be hugged.

I don't think the onus is just on one party.

Personally, I'd find it VERY hard to SAY "Please don't hug me" to a person in a social situation. I'd more likely just do a very quick hug, and be stiff and awkward and then feel bad!

I think it's usually pretty obvious via body language if someone is not wanting a hug, and I think huggers need to respect that.

I'd hope the hugger would assess my desires as they moved in.....if I don't know someone well, and there is not an established hug protocol between us, I would normally ask if it was ok to hug, actually, or start to move in, and do a body language "is this ok?" thing before actually making contact.

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@BumbleBeeBoogie,

so Thomas, are you a political mover and shaker and kisser now?

BumbleBeeBoogie wrote:

Robert, I guess I'm reacting to watching the political antics on TV of the men in Washington, DC. It seems that if they know the woman, including congress house women and senators, they kiss her while they shake the hands of the men they know. To me, the kiss is a male power put down.

<next post>

I'm talking about the custom that when a man is walking down a line of people in a large croud, men and women, the man shakes the hand of the man and kisses the woman. This is a different environment than you describe, with which I agree with kissing and hugging in those circumstances.

Seems to me that BBB is talking about something fairly situation-specific. Work/political "greetings" v social greetings.

Kiss the babies.
Kiss the women.
Shake the men's hands.

It is a bit weird when you watch it.

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BBB apparently posted after she saw this political/government situation, what, exactly, I don't know. She later explained she didn't mean re hugging friends, etc. (like whatever chai had said, I didn't go back and look). Not to speak for her, I don't know. Just saying she tried to modify that first post by explaining.

But the don't hug me thing is awkward if people don't like it in certain situations.
Mostly I like it in a lot of social settings, but that's just me.

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@dlowan,

True. There are a lot of huggers, patters, arm touchers out there.

It is not easy to stop them if you haven't noticed them heading in to touch you. I'm particularly unfond of the back/back of shoulder touchers. There's almost no way to stop them - and almost no way to prevent my startle response - which of course makes me and, usually, them feel bad.

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@ebrown p,

ebrown p wrote:

Quote:
I remember having a pretty hard time explaining on a2k why there were a few times
I didn't like being called a lady

That is funny. On a recent thread I was given a fair amount of grief after explaining
that I don't like being called a gentleman.

What was your rationale ?

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@Eva,

Eva wrote:

American men are so afraid of looking gay that they never kiss other men, not even in greeting. It's sad, really.

It's actually a security issue.

Back in the eighties, my school in Hannover, Germany had a student exchange with one in Skokie, IL, a suburb of Chicago. In honor of Jake and Elwood, about half of the guys, then 17 years old, dressed in long black coats, big sunglasses, and Blues-Brothers hats for most of the stay. (I don't know what these hats are called.) One day, they met in a mall. Consistent with teenager customs in Hannover, Germany, every new arrival went through an extensive round of hugging with the guys who already stood there waiting. After about ten minutes of this, mall security showed up and told them to "exit the premises". They gave no reason, but Skokie parents told us they probably thought my friends were mobsters.

Just goes to show you how dangerous man-hugs are. You wouldn't want that anywhere near your backyard, Eva!

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I would love to be hugged and kissed more often!

I have some co-workers, who, if I saw them at a party or other affair, I would hug and kiss.

I have some girlfriends who I hug and kiss every time I see them.

I have some guy friends who I hug and kiss (mostly boyfriends of the above girlfriends). All of these guys are 'taken' so to speak so there is no sexy-hugging and kissing, just friendly.

Normally I do not hug or kiss clients. I generally wait to see how they behave before I'll react with a handshake or whatever. I do have a couple of clients who hug and kiss me but there is a great deal of fondness there and I like that they want to do that. It is unusual in the workplace or with clients.

I once met a bunch of people of a different culture and all the girls and guys hugged and kissed me. I was taken aback when the first guy did it and they noted it and did not do it the second time they met me. I was so disappointed that I made sure to hug and kiss them all goodbye. Now I get kisses every time we meet. I love that they are so demonstrative. It makes me happy every time I see them.

It really depends who is doing the hugging and kissing. If I like you, I am happy about it, if I don't then I will avoid the hug/kiss and stick out my hand to do a handshake instead. I am not shy about telling someone not to hug me but it would have to be someone pretty repulsive or someone who really didn't want to hug me that I would stop from doing it.

I think I would hug and kiss all of you if I met you. So be warned!

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@Heeven,

Me too! That is exactly the way I feel.

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@dlowan,

dlowan wrote:

Hmmm...that's kind of awkward, though.

Awkward perhaps, but definitely managable. At Diva's funeral for example, I met her husband from England for the first time. Just when I was beginning to spread my wings, he stared at me like a convict at an execution squad and exclaimed: "I'm English! Please don't do the huggy thing!" I got his hint and shook his hand instead. We never had a problem since.

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@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

so Thomas, are you a political mover and shaker and kisser now?

Not yet, but hugging and kissing for world domination seems like a very attractive proposition for my future. I should definitely look into it.

ehBeth wrote:

Seems to me that BBB is talking about something fairly situation-specific. Work/political "greetings" v social greetings.

Kiss the babies.
Kiss the women.
Shake the men's hands.

It is a bit weird when you watch it.

Hmmm .... To be honest I never noticed that. I thought BBB meant when politicians greet each other. That's different, because although they're public figures to us, they're fairly close acquaintances to each other. I need to pay closer attention to politician-on-voter hugs.

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@Thomas,

Thomas wrote:

To be honest I never noticed that. I thought BBB meant when politicians greet each other.

I consider that a work situation, where hugging/kissing would just be a no-go around here.

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@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

Not to speak for her, I don't know. Just saying she tried to modify that first post by explaining.

You're right. (And so was ehBeth.) But I'll be damned if I let this make me read a whole thread before I respond.

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@Thomas,

Thomas wrote:

dlowan wrote:
Hmmm...that's kind of awkward, though.

Awkward perhaps, but definitely managable. At Diva's funeral for example, I met her husband from England for the first time. Just when I was beginning to spread my wings, he stared at me like a convict at an execution squad and exclaimed: "I'm English! Please don't do the huggy thing!" I got his hint and shook his hand instead. We never had a problem since.

Some people find it manageable, many don't.

I think if you are going to hug there is an onus on you to check it out.

I am pretty assertive, but I have had lots of very unwelcome hugs and kisses.

You can't just put the whole onus on the other person....well, if you do, accept that some people are going to find your behaviour offensive, but likely not say anything.

For me, it's not that big a deal. I don't find the unwelcome stuff more than mildly icky.

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@dlowan,

dlowan wrote:

I think if you are going to hug there is an onus on you to check it out.

Sounds fair to me.

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@Heeven,

Oh, lordie, emu hugs!
That'd be great if you wouldn't step on my foot with your paw..

1 Reply

Why do men shake hands with men and kiss women; why do women put up with it?

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