Dear Gustav

BiPolar asked this rather startling question....



And then, in a moment of contrition, followed with this...




I will ignore the first question and go immediately to the second. Yes, BPB, that was over the top. This is a family show. Littlek has friends that read these questions and the potential embarrassment that you have caused this poor woman is almost too much to bear. I am anguishing here, my friend. I am torn. You must be punished.

Therefore, I am going to grant your wish to be a vibrator, but not littlek's.

No, my friend, the rest of your existence shall be spent in the dark chambers of this person...



May God have mercy on your soul

Ha!

Oh thank you dear Gus!!!! I will try my very best to befriend the graceful bird.

Now if the deer could stop running away from me, I'd be sooooo very happy.

Holy ****, can't Ijust do 10 Hail Mary's, a couple of Our Fathers and perform an act of contrition?

Like hook little k up with Slappy or something?

Jeeez Bear!!!! You have my deepest sympathies!

shhhh Montana, I'm negotiating here......

I feel like such a pawn.

You should be flattered Littlek ;-)

Bi-Polar, in a last desperate attempt at survival, pleaded with me and asked the following question...




I'm sorry, but there is no turning back on this one. First you insult littlek and cause her great discomfort, and then in order to escape spending eternity in the in the mysterious hollows of a fat man, you try and negotiate and offer to hook littlek up with Slappy.

Good God! Why should she suffer a worse fate than that which has been bestowed upon you? What did she do to deserve such a fate?

No, Bi-Polar, you have burned your bridges. Prepare yourself for the darkness.

little k here is your chance to display the quality of mercy and intervene on my behalf.......

if we can keep this here pope talking a few more minutes he'll probably die and I'll be off the hook.......help a guy out...

hmmmm.....

Hey wait a minute there Pope Gus I just thought of something, I'm a Methodist so up yours and your virgin mother's and 10 bucks says I can beat you to the cafeteria.......

While littlek and Bi-Polar discuss my impending demise, I shall answer a question posed by dagmaraka. She was concerned about a lost article of clothing and asked...




Dag, do you not recall playing in the snow with the gang of crack dealers last week? Remember how you laughed and cried and hugged and shared tender moments. You discussed the price of crack and how to corner the crack market on the south side of town and then, in an impulsive moment, the group of you built a snowman.






Does that clear things up?

Dear Dr. Ratz,

There is a question that has been bothering me for eons and, based on the outstanding advice you have given me so far, I am confident you are the only one who can answer it for me.

As Goddess of Love and Beauty, I am often called upon to play matchmaker. Thousands of years ago, Zeus gave me an ancient tome to help me with this task. It lists all the available men and women of the world, cross-referenced by age, nationality and sexual preferences. It is quite a magnificent volume, over two feet high and several thousand pages long, bound in top grain leather and gold leaf. Zeus insists it is authoritative, but he has no idea who authored it. Therefore, I cannot know if the information it contains is accurate. Have I matched up the wrong people all these years? It is a heavy burden to bear. If only I knew who penned this extraordinary work...but alas, I do not. I have asked far and wide for the author's name, but no one seems to know. Lives and loves hang in the balance, Dr. Ratz, if you can only tell me...

I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who...
Who wrote the Book of Love?

--Venus

Such brilliance, that godess of love!

Dear Gus
This is the pheasant in my garden. Do you see him looking around? Do you think he's looking for me?

Eva
Eva, I have it on good authority that your tome was written by Dr. Ruth under a pseudonym.

BBB

Thanks, BBB, but I doubt it. This book is even older than Dr. Ruth....hard as that may be to believe.

aaahahhhh, that explains the headache, loss if money, as well as that weird conversations they were having. heck, i thought they were talking about billiard, the eight ball or black ball or whatever it was they kept mentioning. rats. i mean ratz, you are a genious! <now where is the rest of the 'gift' from those nice young men?>

World waits with buttocks clenched for Popes successor.

As John Paul II carefully prepares the path for his successor the world waits with clenched buttocks to see just who will be chosen.
Catholics the world over can barely breathe with anticipation and talk of little else but the future pope.

"Non Catholics don't realise just how important the pope is..." Cardinal Ramsbottom of Liverpool told BIGfib.
"The pope says condoms are out... The trash is going to be filled with condoms. If he declares a particular sexual position preferable
well that's the one everyone's gonna be doing. If he says gay if bad, then there's going to be a rush of hairdressers looking for wives...
One really can't underestimate the power this guy has."

BIGfib asked churchgoers leaving Liverpool?s St Anne Catholic church just what they were hoping for from the new pope.

"I think condoms are a big issue..." Mrs Mary Peterson told BIGfib. "I mean my husband and me we've got seventeen children already, we don't want anymore, so I'm hoping that he's going to OK condoms or the pill or some other solution... We need some new thought in this church..."

Her friend Doris Delaney agrees. "Burt and I have nine kids and we definitely need something new..."
"Even if he doesn't say anything about condoms as such, all the wives here are at least hoping for an explicit condemnation of anal sex... Most of us just can't take it up there anymore."


(From The Big Fib)