Dear Gustav

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I think this site is in need of some guidance. Oh sure, there are experts here in many fields -- astrology, mathematics, computer science, art, geography, etc., but what of those subjects that fall between the cracks? What about the deep, personal issues that you are afraid to ask about?

There are a lot of suffering souls on this site. I've read between the lines and I discern a tremendous amount of internal struggle.

I think I can help.

The next time you want to ask a question, when your fingers hesitantly caress the keyboards... ready to type... but then... no.... I can't do this...I can't bare my soul. I can't release my demons to my fellow members of A2K.

When that happens.... Ask Gus

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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 13,345 • Replies: 372

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Dear Kochtopf:

Why are cashews so much more satisfying to eat than carrot sticks? What can be done to make carrot sticks more appealing?

signed,

Not Wasting Away in the Great Brisk North

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Dear Goostoff,

When will I get laid?

Tense in Cambridge

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Ehbeth asked....

Quote:

Why are cashews so much more satisfying to eat than carrot sticks? What can be done to make carrot sticks more appealing?

Good question. You suffered some serious trauma, probably around your 14th birthday, which involved a "carrot stick." The whole unfortunate incident started with your curious fascination with "cashews" and then led, inevitably, to the mystic "carrot stick."

At that point you realized you were at a point of unfamiliarity and panic gripped your throat like a rabid Doberman. You fled. You left the carrot stick behind.

But the cashews stuck in your mind. You never forgot the cashews They were your friends.

To this day the "Cashew Complex" maintains its steely grip on your psyche.

Let it go. Concentrate on the carrot.

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Dear Gus,

I heard a rumor. Is it true that lonely Catholic capybara farmers tend to have delusions of grandeur?

(signed) Wondering in Earnest

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littlek asked this question...

Quote:

When will I get laid?

I'm sorry, littlek, but those days are behind you. You shall never experience the joy of "getting laid" again.

I.... I wish I could help.

Sorry.

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but, but, but......

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Eva asked this question...

Quote:

I heard a rumor. Is it true that lonely Catholic capybara farmers tend to have delusions of grandeur?

I'm sorry, Eva, but this thread isn't about me. I seek to help you. Indeed, I do suffer, but I suffer in silence.

Concern yourself not with my problems.

Let us concentrate on Eva.

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Focussing on Eva.

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So far there have been 39 "views" to this thread. Only three members, Beth, Eva, and littlek, have had the courage to release their darkest secrets. The others have considered and then fled -- fled back to their safety nets, back to denial.

Please... this is a confidential thread. Your post will not be seen by other members. I have worked out an arrangement with Craven.

Your secrets are safe with me.

Open up.

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They all saw your response to me and decided against posting.

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littlek, I must apologize. I read your post in haste and thought it was littlej talking.

littlej will suffer the aforementioned fate.

You, on the other hand, are going to be laid relentlessly for a good long time. I see a plethora of trysts in your future.

Hold on girl.... you're going for a ride!

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ok then, thanks.

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How can I make millions of dollars with no initial investment and with no effort on my part?

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Dearest Gus

This is very embarrassing, so please don't laugh. Ok, I saw this Pheasant out in my garden today eating all the stuff I didn't want, so seeing that he was so beautiful I wanted to make friends with it. I let it eat for awhile because I don't like to bother animals while they eat. After the pheasant was done eating, I went outside and started talking to him. Well Gus, my feelings are so hurt because that pheasant just looked at me and bolted as if I was some kind of monster. Please tell me what's wrong with me Gus?

Signed
Crying in Canada

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edgarblythe, apparently greedy and looking to capitalize on Ratzenhofer's wisdom, was callous enough to ask this question....

Quote:

How can I make millions of dollars with no initial investment and with no effort on my part?

I would suggest you send your good-looking daughters to the "Ratzenhofer Capybara Farm Inc." Your daughters will be invested and I would anticipate a handsome return on your investment.

(I am not affiliated with Ratzenhofer Capybara Farm Inc.)

p.s. your daughters will be returned unharmed

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A listener in Canada, Montana, asked this question...

Quote:

Dearest Gus

This is very embarrassing, so please don't laugh. Ok, I saw this Pheasant out in my garden today eating all the stuff I didn't want, so seeing that he was so beautiful I wanted to make friends with it. I let it eat for awhile because I don't like to bother animals while they eat. After the pheasant was done eating, I went outside and started talking to him. Well Gus, my feelings are so hurt because that pheasant just looked at me and bolted as if I was some kind of monster. Please tell me what's wrong with me Gus?

There is no help for you, Montana. When a person reaches the "pheasant conversation phase" the chances of recovery are almost zero. There was one incident of "pheasant conversation phase" recovery documented in Italy in the early '30's.

Gaspare Spontini talked to pheasants on a daily basis. It was discovered that an excessive amount of opium consumption caused Gaspare to see and talk to these "pheasants". After the opium consumption was terminated Gaspare returned to a normal life.

That is the only known incident of "pheasant conversation syndrome" recovery.

The rest of the afflicted eventually reached total insanity.

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:-(

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I'm sorry, but I will not accept emoticons as responses!

You people are crying for help. I'm trying to help. What can I do? You put emoticons on the screen! How can I help? I can't possibly interpret silly round faces with frowns or googly eyes!

Please... talk to me. I'm here for you.

Gus

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