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A quick edit of my college entrance paper? (200 words)

 
 
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:24 pm
Describe any special interests and/or passions and give examples of how you have developed knowledge and/or creativity in these areas. 200 words.


When it comes to learning " I’m a cowboy. Every so often I find myself a new frontier: zealous to strike it rich, not from gold but knowledge.

It gets rowdy in the Wild West so at the tender age of sixteen I joined a gym to have these guns start shooting like real six shooters. After limping out that first day, I was hooked. Anything depicting overly muscular men flexing became eligible for my attention. Instead of merely eating three meals a day, I committed to six protein-packed daily “feedings.” Through complete immersion, I learned to carve my body and destiny.

Back in the West, working on railroads means interaction among foreign cultures and languages; being an opportunist, it was to my advantage to learn another language. In school, I met a nice cowgirl and thought myself king of the rodeo until learning she was an exchange student " I’d have to brush up on my Norwegian if I was going to take her to the shindig! I dug for dictionaries, flustered through flashcards, and stuttered past syllables until I finally lassoed her.

With every new frontier, I’m spurred on by Whitman’s exhortation: Come, my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order; get your weapons ready;
Have you your pistols? Have you your sharp edged axes? Pioneers! O pioneers!


That right there is 217 words! I'm considering hacking out the poem at the end in exchange for author's quote of "go west, young man, go west." but I think the first one is too epic. Feel free to edit the crap out of this. Thanks
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 2,762 • Replies: 11
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JTT
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:33 pm
@brokencdplayer,
I hope this doesn't become a brokencdplayer, but it sounds like you went for the gold, ... negated your lead in, you know, the one that was meant to impress the eggheads, big time, BcdP.
0 Replies
 
JTT
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:34 pm
I think Dys might categorize you as a cowboy bordering on rounder.
0 Replies
 
brokencdplayer
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:41 pm
I know the "back in the west..." sentence sounds stupid but...
dadpad
 
  2  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:45 pm
@brokencdplayer,
so..... you are a body builder with the hots for Scandanavian exchange students.

that sounds so..... shallow.

Vain and shallow. Very Hollywood boulevard.

see if you can do better
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:46 pm
@brokencdplayer,
[red] = Consider editing out of the essay.

When it comes to learning " I’m a cowboy. Every so Often I find myself a new frontier: zealous to strike it rich, not from gold but knowledge.

It gets rowdy in the Wild West so At the tender age of sixteen I joined a gym to have these guns start shooting like real six shooters. After limping out that first day, I was hooked. Anything depicting overly muscular men flexing became eligible for my attention. Instead of merely eating three meals a day, I committed to six protein-packed daily “feedings.” Through complete immersion, I learned to carve my body and destiny.

Back In the West, working on railroads means interactions among foreign cultures and languages; being an opportunist, it was to my advantage to learn another language. At school, I met a nice cowgirl and thought myself king of the rodeo until learning she was an exchange student. I’d have to brush up on my Norwegian if I was going to take her to the shindig! I dug for dictionaries, flustered through flashcards, and stuttered past syllables until I finally lassoed her.

With every new frontier, I’m spurred on by Whitman’s exhortation:
Come, my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order; get your weapons ready;
Have you your pistols? Have you your sharp edged axes? Pioneers! O pioneers!

Keep the poem as is. My suggestion? To amputate those 15 words I highlighted above. Can't find 2 more to exile for you to reach the 200 word goal.
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:48 pm
@tsarstepan,
You could forcibly remove In the West and then not have to worry about the word limitations at all.
0 Replies
 
dadpad
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:57 pm
Quote:
I’d have to brush up on my Norwegian if I was going to take her to the shindig!

I was going to date her!

Rockhead
 
  2  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 09:58 pm
@dadpad,
carbon 14?
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 10:03 pm
@Rockhead,
How else would you do it? Cut off half of her leg at the knee and count the rings?!
0 Replies
 
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 31 Jan, 2010 02:30 am
@brokencdplayer,
Quote:
When it comes to learning " I’m a cowboy. Every so often I find myself a new frontier: zealous to strike it rich, not from gold but knowledge.

It gets rowdy in the Wild West so at the tender age of sixteen I joined a gym to have these guns start shooting like real six shooters. After limping out that first day, I was hooked. Anything depicting overly muscular men flexing became eligible for my attention. Through complete immersion, I learned to carve my body and destiny.

Out west, working on railroads means interaction among foreign cultures and languages; being an opportunist, it was to my advantage to learn another language. In school, I met a nice cowgirl and thought myself king of the rodeo until learning she was an exchange student " I’d have to brush up on my Norwegian if I was going to take her to the shindig! I dug for dictionaries, flustered through flashcards, and stuttered past syllables until I finally lassoed her.

With every new frontier, I’m spurred on by Whitman’s exhortation: Come, my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order; get your weapons ready;
Have you your pistols? Have you your sharp edged axes? Pioneers! O pioneers!


I really like it - 'What an original this guy is,' (I'd say, if I were on the admissions committee) and 'he's a good writer with a sense of humor' along with, ' What does he want to major in?' to which I'd answer, ' Doesn't matter really - he's got the communication skills and intelligence to do any subject ....'

I cut out the sentence about the protein pack feedings - (fifteen words that aren't really missed - as you were talking about exercise and the insertion of what you eat made you sound a little obsessive- so fifteen words that you're better off without) and I cut out another three by replacing 'Back in the West' with 'Out west'.

Back in the west from where? Were you in the west before? It's not clear and 'out west' gives more of that cowboy feel anyway.

Keep the poem! That's the most inspired part. You're a learning 'pioneer' - some people might not like or understand cowboys - but there's nothing negative or not to like about a pioneer.

Good luck!
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 31 Jan, 2010 07:25 am
@aidan,
I would definitely dump shindig -- it clangs (it's a 1960s expression). You want something more along the lines of hoedown.

And I agree with aidan; I think it's an interesting take and it's different. College entrance applications can look very similar, particularly after the Admissions Committee has read hundreds of them. Yours might stand out, but you probably should tone down the dating part and play up the fitness part more. They are asking about a passion but not, er, that kind of passion. Nearly all teenagers want to date someone, so they already know or can figure that out about you. What they don't know is that you've entered bodybuilder competitions, or run races for charity, or can now bench press 1500 lbs. or whatever. You went from 0 to 60 in terms of fitness (and it is more compelling to talk about what you were like beforehand, by the way, as a point of comparison). That's an interesting story.

The boy meets girl part is cute but it's a tangent. So make it a small one, say, less than 50 of your 200 words.
0 Replies
 
 

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