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Mon 25 Jan, 2010 07:15 pm
I would like to get a womans point of view on this. My girlfriend had recently lost her dog, she was just like a part of the family and had a very close connection to her, and losing her was just a reminder of all the other losses she's had to go through. I wasn't able to be there for her, to comfort her. She says that, I don't think of anyone but myself and that I can't self sacrifice that i'm always in a comfort zone, taking the easy way out of difficult situations. I'm not entirely like that. I really wanted to be there, but I wasn't able to be there, now she wants to break up and I can't lose her, she is the love of my life I can't picture us apart, I want to have a family with her, she is my everything. I want to know if anyone thinks I have a chance at keeping this relationship together, and if so, what is it that I can do that will show her that I can be there for that I am a better man than what I was. Not to prove love, cause that isn't possible, just to show her that I really do care and that I do want to be there for her, through the good and through the bad. I've changed a lot since i've been with her, i've been more motivated to actually take care of myself cause I want to be with her, be the type of man who can be there for her. I made an honest mistake, and I wish to correct it. I really do love her and care. Thank you.
@abeknopf,
There are two sides of any relationship. I can't believe that this has to do with a dog (no matter how important this animal was to her).
If she wants to break up over a stupid dog-- then she clearly doesn't feel the same way about the relationship that you do. This is especially true when you have made it clear that you want to bend over backwards to accommodate her feelings.
I think you need to accept where the relationship is. The fact is, if you are going to be doing all this changing and understanding-- and she isn't willing to do the same, the relationship is going to go anywhere. The fact that instead of working on the relationship with you, she is attacking your character is not a good thing. Sometimes you need to let these things go.
You deserve to be with someone who will respect you.
@ossobuco,
I can't explain the connection to the dog, but she was someone elses dog, who she loved, very much, family member, so when the dog passed, it was like losing the last connection to that family member, it's not a stupid dog.
@ossobuco,
I am sorry to offend you Osso, and I do understand the emotional attachment people get to pets. But, if your significant other is leaving you over a dog, the relationship was over long before this point.
But the issue here is that Abe has clearly bent over backwards to apologize and accomodate this woman's feelings.
Her response is to insult him (which is uncalled for in my opinion).
It is clear that her feelings for him are no where near his feelings for her. If this woman is unwilling to work through the relationship on an equal basis, where his feelings are as important as hers, then there is no way this relationship will ever work.
Sometimes, no matter how painful it is, it is best to walk away.
@abeknopf,
Eb has the right thought here- it's not about the dog. If you really wanted to be there and couldn't, you don't have anything to apologize for, so what was the honest mistake you refer to? There has to be more here than you've told us.
This isn't about a dog. It's about supporting someone who needs support in a manner that lets them feel they can lean on you in times of turmoil. It happens to be a dog passing this time but it could have been any number of other things. You say you "couldn't be there". I assume that means that you couldn't physically put yourself in the same room at the same time and give her a real shoulder to lean on. Did you give her a phone/cyber/virtual shoulder? Or, by saying that you "couldn't be there" did you mean that you weren't emotionally there for her?
@engineer,
the fact that I wasn't there when she needed me to be and thinks that I am incapable of self-acrifice, putting her first. She doesn't insult me though, I know it comes off sounding like an insult, but we've never fought, we always talk things out.
@JPB,
She had to take care of it, while I was at work, she was at work too, but I got out a little later than she did, I got out it took me a while to get home to see her.
To abe, to ebrown, to engineer -
I'll just take that stupid dog phrase as a little rash, as I agree it isn't, at least most of it isn't, about the dog, but the dog is a symptom of the disjunction (however wrongly applied since abe couldn't be there) and a sticking point.
Not knowing her at all, I'll guess girlfriend has hung her emotions on this point, and I can imagine doing that... at least as a starter for talking.
If it's not a starter for talking by her, when abe wants to talk and work things out, then I'll say, not knowing any details and totally off the cuff, that she is being pissy. Or maybe she is somehow long term adamant, and then, that's that.
Advice for whatever it's worth (two cents?) would be to let things rest for a while, don't push her, give her room to revise her view if she is going to.
Adds, I'm a woman.
@abeknopf,
She wants to break up with you because you didn't leave work early when the dog died? I probably wouldn't have left work early either. I have the feeling that this is some kind of straw on her camel.
@abeknopf,
Have you considered the possibility that maybe you two aren't meant to be together? It may be that you are not the person she needs (and/or vice versa) through no fault of either of you.
The "we never fight" thing leads to an interesting tangent.
There is research that suggests that not fighting is a danger sign of a relationship that won't last. People in healthy long-lasting relationships tend to "fight well"... meaning that they are able to express themselves without escalating, and more importantly to be able to disagree without damaging the relationship.
The key is that the relationship has to be more important-- to both people-- than any of these issues that come up.
@JPB,
Now agreeing with jpb.
I'm not automatically on gf's wavelength here, don't know enough. There's a good chance I wouldn't have left work either.
@abeknopf,
Quote:I really wanted to be there, but I wasn't able to be there, now she wants to break up and I can't lose her.... I want to know if anyone thinks I have a chance at keeping this relationship together, and if so, what is it that I can do that will show her that I can be there for that I am a better man than what I was.
I made an honest mistake, and I wish to correct it. I really do love her and care. Thank you.
The two
underlined parts contradict each other.
The
italicised part shows you haven't yet understood something about a relationship...and that is that when competing interests arise, you may have to do something to stay true to yourself...which doesn't automatically mean you don't understand her pain (though she may say it does). It's not "I understand that you needed me there, but..." , it is "I understand that you needed me there, and..."
Also a simple fact - you're not immediately going to be "
a better man than what I was". Claiming so is dishonest, and she will know it...very, very few people change something overnight. It also may be the case that the man you are is actually fine, and she is just being self centred about this thing (or, it may not be the case...you haven't given much info)
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