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Wed 20 Jan, 2010 04:46 pm
Hi
Quick question.
I'm dating a guy who is recently divorced (we're both mid thirties). She has been married before and has two teeneage boys. He supported the boys financially a lot. I've heard from him how she loved to spend, took his inheritance money etc etc. They have no children together and he didn't want any.
I don't wish to marry or have children, so his previous marriage and not wanting to marry again is absolutely fine with me.
Anyway, after 4 months of no contact after the divorce she sends a text to say she left something at the house (it was jewellery belonging to a deceased relative) could he look for it. It wasn't there but he did find something else of hers and delivered it to her place of work (apparently when he knew she wouldn't be there?)
Last week she sent another text. A pet they had went missing and made it's way back to the street where it used to live (he's still in old home). She found it nonetheless by that point when she sent the text. He replied back civilly with a text message and showed me what he put. I wouldn't have known all this unless he'd told me. I didn't ask to see his text either.
I guess I'm just mulling things over a bit. They don't have children together so there's no reason to stay in contact. He doesn't want to stay in contact with her sons, even though she wanted him to. He said she just wants money all the time. They were together 6 years in total, but not married for that.
What do you guys think of this? I'm wondering if these are the only texts she sent. He says they are.
I don't get why he isn't angry and want to cut all ties (he didn't want to split)He says he wants to move forward and not be angry anymore. Yet how can you move on when you're still texting eachother.
I guess everyone is different but my ex of 10 years hurt me so badly I cut him off completely.
Thanks for replies
When one is in love, one doesn't want to be angry with anyone, for life looks good. I understand him.
The woman -as you depict her- is a nag, and probably both angry and jealous. Tell him that you think she's up to ruining his life (and yours!), and that he'd better do something about it. Probably it'll take him longer to understand that you'd wish for, but he will.
Quote:I don't get why he isn't angry and want to cut all ties (he didn't want to split)He says he wants to move forward and not be angry anymore.
This is the way grown ups do things.
I really feel sorry for those kids, though, that he doesn't want to see them. It sounds like they've lost two "dads". Sad. Really sad.
This is not the way grown ups do things.
I see both Fbaezer's and Boomerang's points.
My ex and I were quite tired of each other at the end and still did keep in contact once in a while. Time hurts all pains, or wounds all heels, or mellows all the bellows - not always, but with some people who move on but don't hate, the moving on itself is a gradual fixer re emotions. Years later I get no clue the now not so new wife minds him seeing me once every five years, and I know about the lives of her children from previous marriage, am even interested. She is probably glad about or at least not minding my continued connection with his brother's daughter.
Amusingly, she is studying a field similar to the one I studied when we were married. He has had to hear all the classroom angst twice.
Re your situation, Miranda -
Unless she starts being really bizarre, I'd let this go. He seems to be handling it well.
@boomerang,
That struck me too Boomerang, but he's in a very tough spot. He can't stay in contact with the kids and not be in contact with her but if she's a user, he doesn't want that so...I don't think it's a matter of being a grown up. At least, not on his part. Sounds like she didn't leave him too much choice.
True, the contact isn't too bizarre and I'll just see how things go for now. I don't like bringing it up again with him as I don't want to create more stress.
At the end of the day their mother wanted the separation. She didn't want counselling and the boys were upset when they found out, true. They are teenagers though and from what I've been told have girlfriends and spend most of their time with them. They live with the father Boomerang so contrary to most situations they haven't really lost two Dad's or their birth father at all. The birth father spends most of the money and time with them and most responsibility. She sees them at weekends.
My boyfriend is the kindest, gentlest man I've known. He's a puppy compared to my ex. For that reason I worry about her motives. I can see clearly how he could be manipulated if someone like that came along.
Somehow I don't see how being on speaking terms with someone who hurt you, ripped your heart out makes you an adult. If someone continued to kick you physically you'd walk away, not stand there and take it. Emotionally I feel it is the same. There are all sorts of things that come into play during a divorce, I should know, my mother is divorcing my father after running off with another man. Adult it is not. What defines adult behaviour? Protecting yourself from more pain. Being strong enough to move on. Every situation is different. He's even talked about another man being involved with her........possibly.
Anyway, I'll see how things go. I do believe he loves me but I worry about how mixed up he feels. It's interesting to hear other people's experiences after divorce and the contact you have.
@miranda4,
Birth father lol! Don't think that's quite right :-)
@miranda4,
Sure, I get that reactive rage most of us feel as things break up. Are you trying to nurse that? You froth about your kind gentle boyfriend, and you want to instill him with anger?
Mind your own emotions and don't try to circumscribe his (my opinion).
@ossobuco,
Jeez can anyone come onto this site and voice their opinion without someone becoming all shirty and abrupt with you. @ossobuco I wasn't aware I was offending you, merely discussing. Why do you come back with curt replies. I happened to think your reply was an intelligent one. Sorry if I offer an alternative opinion.................anyway hey, it's important to not be walked all over in life isn't it.
Reel your neck in............(my opinion)
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