more sweets please but no love or affection

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Hi everyone I'm new here so hope you can help or give some advice

I have been married just over a year now and we have been together for almost 5 years now
the first 2 years where great we had sex and she wanted to try new things and liked holding me .
then we brought our house from that point onwards it's gone down hill .
she has gradually gone of sex more and more does not cuddle me or kiss me without prompting. I don't get a hello when I come home from work, maybe a moan about something or other no 'how are you' no goodnight at night or a kiss or hug .
I have told her many times that I feel unloved but she only gets upset and may change her ways for a few days but soon resorts back to her ways .
Sex is just a case of her lying there now. she says she wants it but I can tell she has no desire and try's every excuse to get out of it . Even though I have brought her many sex toys and books and have tried every possible way to please her she just has no drive.
When it comes to money I always end up paying for everything , she works full time but is always the last to reach in to her pocket . I recently gave her thousands (all what I had) to pay of her car loan and she tuck this without even a thank you as if it was just expected .
She recently had become very good friends with a lesbian and they got very close going out at nights staying out all ours . She assured me nothing was going of , one day they fell out and then I had months of tears and upset but she never really explained how they fell out even now a year later she still mentions her .
On the other hand if I go out for even more than an hour I get the third degree , she will ring me after 15 minutes checking up on me and if I'm even minutes late back she wil just blow up at me .
As for family she hates my family, but to there faces is nice as pie then soon as we leave she's moaning and having a go at them, she has few good words to say about anyone.
She wants to try for a baby now so has been instigating sex every couples of day's but only by going in to a big moaning session if I don't. Then she just lies there I know if I don't perform I will get it in the neck non stop .
I even brought her books to explain what a man wants 'sister to sister'. But she only read the first few pages and gave up on it , considering she reads books all the time this got me rather upset
At the moment she is only happy when eating sweets. If I bring her some home on my way back from work she's all smiles, but if I don't she just really sulks until I go out and get some from her.
I have tried and tried to explain things to her and she says she understand and apologises then cries. I think she honestly knows that she does not give me enough though consideration or affection. But it is soon forgot about .
The strange thing is when I see her mother and farther she is now the spitting image of her mother in all her attitudes and I always said to my wife. 'I don't now how her farther stands it and I'm sure he will leave her as soon as her younger brother leaves home' she even agreed with me , there was never any love loss between her and her mother .
My thought now is she is becoming her mother and I am becoming her farther subdued and sad at all the love I once had as now gone .

Or is it me am I just expecting to much as in all my past relationships I've always wanted lots of affection and the simple things like 'hello', 'goodnight', a hug and a kiss

I don't want to leave her I just want her back as she was when we first met .

what should I do ?

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Run.

Sex comes and goes. Seems like your sex life has gone, and there isn't enough to sustain what's left.

I made a similar mistake. Had kids... But the relationship between man and wife shriveled and died.

Got divorced.

Got back to gether with an old flame. We had stopped going out together, but we never stopped being friends.

Married my best friend. She's still my best friend, and I hers.

Get out while you can (before kids!) and don't settle for less.

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There was always a saying in my family surrounding dating and marriage: As enticing as the girl is when you first get involved, if you want to see what you'll end up with, look at their mother.

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If she changed into this person BEFORE you got married, then you knew what you were getting into didn't you?

Tell her you are not happy. You two need to sit down and discuss this like adults. It sounds like games are being played here and there's some immaturity to boot. If you don't nip this lifestyle in the bud then either the relationship is over or you will both continue to be unhappy together.

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The thing is I do love her and it's hard to turn away from that
I think maybe I did know what I was getting in to
but was hopping it would get better no worse
and I left it all to late
I must admit I thought about not turning up at the alter

yes I did meet her mother but didn't think she would turn out like her as she always detested her and where forever arguing

I have tried sitting down and talking to her and she's OK for a few days but then resorts back to how she was

thanks for the comments so far everyone

all the best
Stef

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I also suspect she has not been honest with you regarding her lesbian friend and their relationship.

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I'm with Heeven. She sounds (your wife, not Heeven) incredibly immature. There's a lot of gimme going on here. You need not keep score but the fact is, there's no balance. She demands, you give, she doesn't reciprocate and so it continues.

And her behavior is enforced, because you do anything for her. So she doesn't have to make efforts, it seems, in order to get her way. What kind of other dynamics exist in your relationship? You mentioned that she works but "is the last to reach into her pocket". Well, isn't it the same pocket? Or are accounts separate? I don't want to pry too much but it appears to me that she has a great deal going here:
* she complains and is listened to
* she gets her sweets and keeps you strung along just enough to get more sweets
* she demands a baby and that also keeps you strung along, and she doesn't have to do anything sexually

Or so it would seem.

How, exactly, does she imagine she will care for a baby? They aren't exactly equivalent to the sorts of things that you can palm off on someone else. Who will she turn to if the baby is in need and she can't handle it, particularly if she's alienated you? Will it be her mother? Her long-suffering father? Will, instead, the baby suffer?

Like the guys said above, get out now, before there are kids and this gets even more complicated and painful than it already is.

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Thanks everyone
I know she plans on passing the baby on to her farther as he retires soon and I'm sure he will luck after whenever required - her mother on the other hand will only be interested when suits like when she can show it of to her friends
I must admit I am worried about having kids as I have told her many times that it is a life long commitment - I know it's not the same but she wanted kittens when we firsts brought the house as she had never had pets I told her she could but only if she looked after them and I wanted nothing to do with them - I told I had grown up with cats and dogs and what a commitment they can be and I did not want this now I had my own home so we had the kittens six months down the line once they where no longer small and cute I had to feed and clean up after them most of the time and they are now locked in the back room all the time as she doesn't like them getting hair in the living room
I'm just worried that if we have kids I'll be the one who has to give up work and devote all my time to looking after it once it's no longer small and cute she has already told me she doesn't like little kids but loves babies

as far as money goes we have all our bills set up by direct debit so have to put 500 a month in one account I put 300 in she puts 200
however I pay for the weekly shop
it's the small things she keeps from paying , like if we go out for food or to a movie or if we see something that would be nice for the house or even if we go a drive in the car it's always mine we take- my fuel (as she moans that she doesn't like driving)

Is there anything anyone can suggest i can do to solve this
i want her back how she was when we first met
or was that just an act and this is who she realy was !

if so then and theres noting i can do then i guess this marriage is doomed ????????????????????????

any suggestions gratefully accepted

all the best everyone
Stef

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I had a freind in a similar situation, except there were already kids involved. He tortured himself with what to do, but eventually realized that leaving was his only option, despite how much he loved her. He sat her down, and said he only needed a break, he wasn't looking for a divorce, he just needed some time off. She said that was fine, and she was okay with it. He went away for a bit, and then discovered via the 'net that she had filed for divorce in his absence, and published the papers on the world wide web. I say get out before there are kids involved. This whole situation sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

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Good lord. If what you say is true I'm really in awe of all of the effort and avenues you have taken to resolve the issues with your wife. Not only is she not treating you like a husband, she's not even treating you like a friend. Everyone here has given great insight - passion waxes and wanes, there are ups and down, but it sounds like this has fallen beneath all that and there isn't anything left to keep it together.

As a last ditch effort, suggest counseling if you haven't already. I think she needs a counselor on her own, but it would be a good step if you got marriage counseling together. If she refuses, I can't see anything else you can do.

You sound like a good man. Seek out someone else who treats you that way.

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thanks for all the comments everyone

it makes me feel a little better just getting it of my chest

One of the things I did when I was young was read 'how to win friends and influence people' and used these techniques through my life , when I met my wife I had lot's of close friends and I think this was one of the reasons she was attracted to me I told her that the reason was because I had read this book and it allowed me a greater understanding of people , however she just said these people where using me and wasn't really my friends and as time passed by I lost touch with them all

so now I find it difficult to re socialise as all my friends have moved on

she has close friends at work whilst I do not

I think this may to be one of the reasons I am still clinging on

I kept writing here 'I will give her one more chance' but in truth I don't think I want to anymore just being able to get this of my chest has helped
thank you everyone

I'll no longer bend over backwards for her but go with the flow for a while and do as what pleases me and see where it takes me

all the best
stef

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And your friends might not be truly lost to you. Seek them out. Apologize. Ask how they are. Try to get back involved with their lives. Some will be lost, so write them off, but not without giving them a try. There may be a few who will want to take up with you again - not because of Dale Carnegie techniques, but because they like you as a person. I suggest this because friendships, as you've seen, are often forgotten when relationships seem to be going well, but they are the thing that will sustain us if our relationships go sour.

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See a counselor at once. With or without her. And please, PLEASE!, make sure YOU use birth control. Do not leave this up to her. A baby always makes relationship problems worse. The LAST thing you need to do is bring an innocent child into the middle of this awful mess.

Sorry if this is too blunt, but as you have admitted, you're in a bad position here. You need to get your friends back, see an impartial third party re: the marriage, and build up a support system for yourself. Decisions made from a weakened stance are rarely wise ones.

I echo everything that the others have written. There is a lot of life experience behind their advice. We all wish you the very best and hope that you find happiness and peace.

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Ditch her. You haven't said one positive thing about the relationship. Kids shouldn't even be considered. Get out now.

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The kitten thing is not the same but it sure ain't a good sign.

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Been thinking about this since this morning. I gave the answer straight off the top of my head, and I stand by it...

But the 'sweets' is bothering me. That's a clear signal that she is just as unhappy as you are.

I'm sorry for both of you, but end it sooner rather than later.

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Get out.

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I agree with the others who said to get out and PLEASE don't even consider having children.

Also, can you find good homes for your pets. It's not fair to them to have to live their lives locked in a room.

Good luck to you.

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more sweets please but no love or affection

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