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Thu 23 Oct, 2003 01:43 am
hello, my name is brittany, and i am in a rut. i have been married to my husband, who is wonderful for only 8 months, but we have known each other for years. i feel like i am going to be typing for some time, but i need to get it out so please bare with me!
my husband and i just had a son 8 months ago. i stay home with mathew, while my husband goes to work, and college. he works at an elementary school for special ed. anyway, i know that with everything he is doing, he is going to be tired, but i can not remember the last time he said i looked nice, or noticed a new outfit i had on, or said he loved me first. i feel unappreciated and it is taking a toll on our relationship. i tried to rekindle the romance by making reservations to a restaurant, but we did not go. he was not too thrilled with the idea because i did not tell him ahead of time so he could rework his schedule. that hurt because i wanted to do something special and supprise him. his mother even offered to watch our son for that night for about 4 hours. i told him that i feel like we need to do something together besides going to a store(how romantic), but he seems to think everything is fine, like nothing is wrong in our marriage. what really got me upset which is why i am writing this is tonight, he came home from school, sat down to eat, went online to buy a pocket PC, and then while i was changing our son, he came into the bedroom and said he was going to bed. he did not say anything about how my dad went, if he could watch our son so i could relax for a while, nothing. it is like this a lot of the times. our sex life is pretty good, but i feel like everything else is starting to drift farther away. i could really use some advise. i understand that he has hard days, i am always giving him massages, and other things, but i feel like my needs are not being met and when i told him how i felt, he did not say anything. i thought maybe he heard me and was going to try to make me feel like i did when we started dating, but instead i feel worse. i love my husband so much, lord, i don't know what i would do if anything happened to him, but i can not deal with this anymore. am i being selfish and stupid?? do i need to pay attention to him more? please help! thank you, brittany
First off, welcome to A2K. I've only been here a week myself, but it already feels like home.
I can't really save your marriage, but perhaps I can shed some light on what your husband is thinking/feeling. I oughta know, I work full time and go to school, too.
Obviously, he wants more from life. He's going to school, and he's working. He's not lazing about, he's not cheating on you (one hopes, although you didn't say that.) but he's trying to make life better for all three of you.
Going to school and working at the same time is not easy. It's very tiring, and believe me, sleep is very important. He's under a lot of stress right now, because school and work is hard to juggle together. Things that you thought were nice, he doesn't, because you're looking at the problem from two different point of views. You're saying to yourself, "Gee, I miss my hubby, and I want our relationship to be better." He could be thinking "Damn, I got a math test Monday night, and now she wants to go out when I need to study." So what's nice and romatic for you is a hassle or inconvenience for him. Don't look at that one little part, look at it from his point of view. He should try and see yours, too.
Now, I'm sure he'd like nothing better than a nice romantic evening with you. But can I suggest saying something like this? "Dear, I miss you and want to spend some time with you. I realize you're busy, but can I make dinner reservations for us Saturday night?" This gives him the opportunity to 'rework' his schedule, while still giving you control over the 'date' and making it as romantic as you like. Or, conversly, do something romantic at home. Get a sitter for the kid, and have a few quiet hours together where you can just have some time with him.
Now, I'm not saying that you're being unrealistic, and that you should just calm down and wait until he's through with school. However, it is a temporary situation, and you can make it as easy or as hard as you want it. Yes, it may mean doing things differently, or not getting things that you want. But do you get everything you want? Do things go exactly as you want them? I know I don't. . . I'd have won a couple of lotteries by now, and lost about 30 lbs to boot.
Sit down and talk with him, and let him know how you're feeling. Don't try and fight about it, but just let him know what's going on. Tell him you have some issues. . .maybe you can schedule a weekend with him at the thanksgiving or christmas break, when things would be so piled high for him. But don't think that your marriage is crumbling just because things look bad. No marriage is picture perfect. Marriages are a lot of hard work, and it takes both to want to make it work. He may even feel a little underappreciated as well. . . he could be thinking "I work so she doesn't have to, and I'm going to school to get a better job and a better life for us, and she's complaining because I won't have dinner with her because I need to do schoolwork." Now, that's a bit unfair and harsh towards you, and I apologize for it, but guys think that way.
So, in conclusion, I would talk with him, and let him know the goal isn't to fight but to understand each other's point of view. While it may not make the marriage any less rockier, it will certainly help you understand where he's coming from, and him you.
Good luck.
thank you so much for that. i never really put myslef in his shoes. i kinda feel bad now for getting all mad at him. now, if you will excuse me, i am going to to go to bed and lay next to him. lord i love that man!! thank you
Glad to help.
Don't feel bad about getting mad. . .it's natural. My wife and I get upset at each other all the time, but once we calm down and talk about it, it's not as bad as it looks.
Do come back and let us know how it's going. . .
Really excellent advice from Turner! Welcome to both of you, and good luck mom155.
This sounds like my husband only we have 3 boys instead of 1.
They get so wrapped up in their own little worlds that it does sometimes feel like we are on the back burner and not at all important.
In reality thats not the case. They wouldn't be working their TUSH off to support us. And...LOL...the sex wouldn't be so great either.
Still, I think Turner should replace Ms. Manners....TURNER what wonderful advice!!! However, I think that no matter how tired her husband is, and mine too for that matter, he should at least spend 10 minutes conversing with us "wives" instead of just scarfing down some food and then go on off to bed!!!!! Marriage is work and part of that job is making time for one another!!!!! Hang in there....you're not the only one with a hubby who acts like that...and rest assured he is not cheating on you!!!! Hes just to dang busy....ok...bye
Oh, and take it from someone who's been married for twenty years now. You're never going to feel like you did when the relationship was new. It's biologically impossible. But there are trade-offs. You know each other better now, and you are learning more and more about what makes each other happy. The initial rush of hormones is lovely while it lasts, but it can be replaced with something even better and longer-lasting. Kindness, consideration, understanding, sharing, being there when no one else will. And THAT is what "true love" is...not the wild-and-crazy-hormonally-imbalanced feeling we all felt at first.
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