How do you.....

I don't have answer, but it is good you can pick up on this - just in case you were thinking of becoming further involved.

How much of a friend is she really if she's that self obsessed? If there is a valid friendship in this relationship then let her know in a tactful and thoughtful manner.

And ... "She doesn't come from the best background. (I can't really go into her background without her permission but it was abusive)...." Was this really a valid/relevant point to bring up here then not elaborate on? Or do you really think she needs to obsess over everything that's she so it will compensate for her time as a victim in her abusive past?

There's a word, solipsistic, meaning (or I think it means) you are the sun everything revolves around. I haven't read that much about it, but I've run into very solipsistic people. I can see how an abusive background could be a factor, but don't know.. I also don't know about suggested remedies - whether, for example, a friend pointing it out or even teasing about it would be useful or harmful.

There is also the matter that non solipsistic folks also differ in conversational linearity. On my recent trip to California, one friend went on and on about two other friends (on different days when we met) not being able to stay on subject. The one I observed straying, I thought had a connecting observation, although tangential. Since I'm very non linear - but usually come back at least in my own mind to the subject at hand - I have sympathy for this seeming off the wallness. But given what is going on is as you say, Seed, the person bringing herself into every single discussion effort as "about me", that's a hmmm. Maybe she is just revelling in being abuse free and just really getting to know herself in this new way.

Personally fears being unimportant and a nobody, though I'm sure there are other possible reasons.

"You know, I like that you are (list the attributes you admire / use differing phrases eg and I wish I could do <somethings> as well as you...etc), and I'm curious, how come we end up spending 90% of the time talking about you?"

A hint...use and (where then and is underlined), not but. but infers the preceding sentence is irrelevant.

Other tactics can be used...you can playfully mimic her tactics that she used to get the conversation back onto her (so long as you have something to say that makes sense, and use her joining phrases) eg. of joining phrase : That's just like the time when I...

ie. People don't just ignore what you said...they use a joining phrase to tie in what you said to something in your life...you can mimic her joining phrases back to her, and tie it to something in your life...see what happens (but keep a sense of humour about this - it's not serious).

<in a Yoda like voice> Other ways there are to bring it up

In group situations with friends, develop some sort of "flag" that gets passed around to each person. Introduce it to them as a game. Set up some ground rules such as:

* While they are in possession of the flag, the focus is on them.
* When they don't possess the flag, the focus is elsewhere.
* You can pass the flag to someone else if you have nothing to contribute at the moment.
* The flag must move to someone else every 5 minutes.
* Violators of the rules must clean up after the group's gathering.

I understood all that except the first sentence, Vikorr..

I hardly ever disagree with you, bfn, but I think this is bizarre.

To expand, the person reacting to the one who went into a tangent (in my friends' get together) was off on her own immediate irritation, pretty much a resentment rant against the person she mentioned the day before, and that was a much more complex situation. Amusingly, the woman of the day before can't stand the woman of the get together.) I like, well, love, both of these women, the tangent person (one of the most generous people I've ever met, generous in a good way) and the second, a retired therapist whom (to be truthful) I've always thought a little behind the curve. She, I figure, feels the same of me. Past all that we like each other.

I've known these women forty years. We have even been through the confrontational therapy type years together ( I learned a lot) - although the irritated one was not there at the time.

So, this is not about my get together. Just trying to figure what is happening in Seed's situation. Some stuff is normal re the differences in how people's brains work, and some stuff is obssessive.

I don't think she does it knowingly. I think that things have been so bad for her that now that things are going well with her that she just wants to talk about it. But all the time.

I can see that.

Is this some kind of mandatory RA/college dorm related social torture... sorry social get together...?

Sometimes when people get together because of one issue (grief, substance abuse, knitting - whatever) it is difficult to move from that subject to another, perhaps because the people really don't have anything else in common.

Sounds like this person is used to talking about herself all the time and is unable to move into another subject.

That's cause I touch type and often get ahead of myself. What I meant was :

Me too - I did a famously bad one the other day, missing the keys by one (each) and not looking at what I typed as I was off to check sauteing onions in the kitchen..

1. Why do you feel the need to change her behavior?
2. If your concern is that she will lose other friends or fail to make new ones because of this quirk, I suggest using humor. When she diverts the conversation away from you to herself, just wink and say, "I'm sorry, this is about me."

(If she has a sense of humor ,that is.)

1. Because other mutual friends have made comments about this and if they were to say something they would be brutal about it and I'm sure her feelings would get hurt.

I'm not sure you can shield her from criticism. Nor do I think you should. I think the only thing you can do is gently tease her hoping that she will see herself through another's eyes. If you are a close enough friend, it may have the desired effect.

Why are temporary hurt feelings an issue? Surely you can tell her directly and with compassion and friendship... then let her vent her feelings, and show her that you are still her friend? (of course, she may not want to be your friend if she can't talk about herself so much)