Dumped for the deceased wife's best friend.

Reply Sun 22 Nov, 2009 07:08 am
I had two fiances die before I was 25 so I'm not a stranger to the grieving process. I never did get married. I'm now 48 and started talking online with someone the same age. He said he was married so I didn't want to hook up but we were both depressed alot and commiserated. He also told me she was ill but I've heard that before. So anyways, just recently she died after a long struggle with an illness. After much thought, I decided to meet up with him and ended up really liking the guy. I suppose I didn't understand alot of his talking with me while she was still alive but I do get the need for companionship. Maybe it was just lust and I figured when and if we did eventually meet, I wouldn't like him. He's been about the sweetest man I've dated in a long time. We don't actually date because it's still too early after her death and he has kids. Here's the problem. The other day he was sending out thank you's to people and found a letter from his wife's best friend. He was taken and called her over to help address and respond to the condolense thank you's. That day he called me and told me that he thinks he will end up with her and has feelings for her. Of course you can imagine what my response was. I totally understand the bonding. Her husband died a few years back as well so she's also probably real good to talk to. My friend, who I really had hopes for down the road to finally be with someone after all the tragedy in my life, well, just let me go. He says he enjoys hearing stories about her, he knew her husband so they can talk about that. I've given into the realization that its no longer my business other than the severe heartache I am going through. I thought it was finally my time to be with someone like that again. I do know that when my first fiance died, after a little and having spent a whole lot of time with *his* best friend and finally dating....it didn't last further than that. I felt so guilty. I wish him the best, my new, ex friend. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can get over my grief now? Do you think it's healthy for that to happen? I suppose they did do a TV show on the whole scenario but this is not 1970 and I don't wanna go ask Alice. Tears in PA.
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Reply Sun 22 Nov, 2009 07:37 am
Lord the guy is in complete emotional flux at the moment so who know what directions he might go in, it could even be back toward you.

As far as you not understanding his reaching out to others including women during his wife dying I do not see why you question that.

Unless he was trying to set up a sexual relationship with you at the time.
Reply Sun 22 Nov, 2009 08:45 am
Yep. The dude's a mess emotionally, he has no idea who he'll end up with next week, let alone the rest of his life, if he's really honest with himself.

Pull back and give space. If he comes back, hey, go for it. If not, write him off. There are other men with far less baggage, even widowers and divorced men.
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Reply Sun 22 Nov, 2009 10:06 am
Hello, ennazus. Welcome to A2K.

One of the statements in your post jumped out at me. You said,

He said he was married so I didn't want to hook up but we were both depressed alot and commiserated.

Your question is how to get over the pain of being dumped. As Bill and jes have said, you can tell yourself that his grieving process is his alone and he's going to make some choices that keep his wife alive for the time being. That decision may or may not work out for him, but you shouldn't pine away for him waiting for him to return to you.

You bonded with someone who was equally depressed. You shared a common bond - one of propping each other up when neither of you was emotionally healthy. His choice is telling you that the common bond he wants isn't one based on being depressed but one that's based on the positive memories of his life with his wife. I understand that choice. What I suggest for you is to tackle your depression with whatever means you can and look for a relationship based on what's right with the world rather than one focused on what's wrong.

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Reply Mon 23 Nov, 2009 12:27 am
uhm...yes, that last line would be a qualifier BillRM when u said "Unless he was trying to set up a sexual relationship with you at the time." I really just wanna take this whole post off now. I had such a good clear view of things before we got together. Even after, I knew that he needed aLOT of time before getting emotionally involved with anyone. I guess I'm just feeling very depressed, menopausal and premenstral. I was getting good at going with intuition. It is just a sad state of affairs. Thanks to all who responded and I suppose if it would help anyone it would be good to keep the post up but who else in the world would have this sillyness happen but me? Man....I see an unavailable one and I just set myself up ..... (tsk tsk tsk)
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