Help Wife Hoards Junk!

I see you've been reading Wikipedia. Tossing around Occom Bill nonsense isn't going to help your situation.

I don't have any question.

While I know that you are certainly not all to blame, no one is in these situations, ..., please, head on back to your counselor or get a new one.

That's like getting a murderer off on a technicality. It is the tone and manner of your comments that is insulting.

... head on back to your counselor or get a new one, because you see, it doesn't matter even if you are 100% right. Your wife may well be asking for your help and you don't know how to give it.

And there's nothing wrong with not knowing how to help --- it's not like we go thru long periods of intense study for this --- that's what a dispassionate third party is for.

As mentioned in a prior post there is much I like about her (and I love her) but I'm not happy with the way some things are alas.

Sometimes, even though you love someone, actually living with them can be an impossible situation. You never know, Chumly, your wife might feel like this, too.

Or, two adults who do love one another and see that the other is willing to go thru a measure, [a trying time to be sure] of really, honestly trying to find out what the problems are, could fall into a new love that would make the old seem like a grade school crush.

It's definitely worth the effort!

All will be cake for the next week or more as Mrs. Chum has gone aboard an airplane to visit friends. There is a counselor's appointment shortly thereafter so we'll see which way the wind blows then.

As things stand now, no news is good news in the quest for bliss. Thanks all and I'll update if the inclination arises; it might be a few weeks, then again magic might bespell the matrimonial home and hearth.

Sounds like you're talking from experience, JTT!

Nice thought.

For further clarification as to the goofiness of the posters claiming the word "insulting" was applicable in the given context and intent.

Check out the word "impropriety"
a) the quality or state of being proper; appropriateness
b) conformity to what is socially acceptable in conduct or speech

Now should said posters consider that cooking smells and flatulence be improper for their prudish palates, they had best stay away from TV, video, comedy, restaurants, bars and the Internet...especially the evil internet.

And at all costs said posters must never partake of any Mel Brookes, Monty Python or George Carlin lest their delicate sensitivities be permanently compromised and they self-combust.

You're sounding a wee bit offended & defensive, Chumly.

I'll take your word on the flatulence, etc. But I think what might have bothered some folk here was the "airing" of the problems with so much .. er, passion?

I'm hoping your next thread isn't something like: Help Wife Has Dandruff!.

Me, I'm really hoping you & your wife sort out your current difficulties somehow.

Now THAT'S FUNNY!

If you will recall, Chumly, cooking smells and flatulence were never a problem for OUR 'prudish palates,' they were a problem for YOUR 'prudish palate.'

Laughing!

They were so offensive to YOU, you felt justified in throwing your family member out of her own bed, all night long. Do you not see the ironic humor in this?

On a more serious note, your dictionary definitions and teacher-like corrections to us make you sound like a defiant, immature 16-year-old. You probably sound the same to your unfortunate wife.

Like other posters on this thread, I feel more and more sorry for your wife every time you post about her.

On an even MORE serious note, I really hope that your brief time apart (from your wife) will gift you with an ounce of perspective. It's virtually impossible that all of your marital problems (as you claim) are HER fault.

Remember the old saw, "It takes two to Tango?" You're the second of those two, and no amount of lecturing to us (who are not involved) will ever change that.

You can only, ever, change your own behavior. Work on that, and you might be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Now THAT is one of the most important things I learned from marriage.

I could restate it thus for our unhappy husband, Chumly: Would you rather be Right, or be Happy?

Mrs. Chumly has put a bunch of her junk on the free section Craigslist, the boxes of old fabric have already been given away and I understand that much more will be given away (or simply thrown out).

Your wife might consider that lot junk Chum. Noise pollution answered by smell pollution.

Did you say "for better or for worse"?

Interestingly, I have sold about $1,000 worth of gear this past week.

Most to the point however, the consideration at hand is specific to common areas, not those areas which are private. It's my private sanctum where the aforementioned gear resides in splendid quietude. Also I always use headphones.

All is well in the world of Mrs. & Mr. Chum, she is now much more considerate and loving for reasons that might be attributable to the counselor's effect, or might be attributable to a true awakening, or to phases of the moon, or to improved digestion.

Ehn, what a cute comment! But might it be due, possibly, to your brief separation (when she went away for a week?).

Here's hoping you and the Mrs. have a wonderful Holiday together!

My wife also hoards. I used to try to deal with it by showing her an item and asking "do you need this?". The answer was almost always yes. I had to find another way to purge. I tried just throwing stuff away when she wasn't looking, which got me in deep sh*t more on more than one occasion. My next idea was to move some of her crap to a staging area (boxes) where it would reside for 6 months, during which time, if she needed anything in the boxes she could take it out. After the 6 months, anything that was still in the boxes would be purged. She agreed not to look in the boxes during the staging period. The mistake I made with this approach was to keep the boxes in the computer room, where she would spend a lot of time. It drove her crazy not knowing what was in the boxes and she finally just opened them all up and took everything out.

We've now been married 13 years and her hoarding has not improved. The current way I deal with it is a modification of the last idea -- I have a storage unit that she doesn't know about. When an area of the house begins to get full, I'll purge it in her absence and take the stuff to the storage unit. If she misses anything, I retrieve the item from the storage unit. Typically she will only miss a small fraction of the items I remove, as I try not to remove anything she uses. She does not know where the storage unit is, so she isn't tempted to look. I periodically take items from the storage unit to charity or a trash bin.

After I clean a space, she notices and has some initial anxiety but it passes after a while. However, now any time she can't find something (which happens a lot because the house is a mess) she automatically assumes that I must have taken it. My solution is creating feelings of resentment, but it keeps our house from bursting at the seams and keeps the spaces functional. The solution is far from perfect, but it's the best thing I've tried so far. I don't know how much longer this system will work.

Hate to say this but you might actually be making the situation worse...because since she doesn't know what you took, she may feel the need to replace something she hasn't seen in a while....viscious cycle.

Have you tried getting her to counseling, to help her work through the reasons she has to have those things?

I think it is natural to hoard things when you haven't a lot of confidence in the future. Perhaps your wife is affected by doom-mongering on the news. There are always going to be people who feel that sort of thing more than others.

I might suggest explaining to her that the shops will always be full of stuff and that there's no need for her anxiety.

A relative of mine has enough bedding and curtains in the attic for a few generations and I've seen hoarders of canned food.

I hope that helps but it is a problem that a lot of people would swap their problems for.