Help Wife Hoards Junk!

@tsarstepan,

Furthermore, let me place an emphasis on COMMUNAL. Don't clear out the room for the sole purpose in monopolizing the real estate for your own self dear Chumly. Despite the wonderful possibilities of having a private musical/computer based temple of your own.

That would be counterproductive to reassuring her social position in shared abode.

What would be a well received compromise use for the room if this cleaning reform would take place?

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@BorisKitten,

If you always thought the early years of marriage were the roughest, then I suggest you consider that most people are on their best behavior at the beginning and not at their best behavior at the end.

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@Mame,

Would you please give me some examples where I insult her on a regular basis? I could have missed something somewhere but I don't remember writing text to that effect.

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@tsarstepan,

Interesting!

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@Chumly,

Okay, Chumly. I can only assume that you are dishing out some insults to her because you certainly are here. And she's definitely dishing them out, according to you, so you'd be likely to respond in kind.

You started out complaining about the food smells, then it went on to her flatulence, now it's gone to she's taking over all the spare space with her garbage collection, which you went to great pains to describe in detail. (One side question here - if the food smells linger for days, as you claim, then what difference does it make what time of day she's cooking?)

You seem angry. If even 1/4 of what you've described is true, you are justified. But from getting a sense of you from these posts, I'd imagine you'd be rather verbal, too, and not always "polite" as you indicate. That'd be hard for an angel, never mind a mortal. So.... I think you're doing your fair share of keeping the aggro going.

I reiterate: What are you doing in this relationship? It sounds completely dysfunctional to me and I question your claim that you're normally happy and perky, or whatever it was you said, in lieu of all this argy-bargy. This situation would drive me right round the bend.

You've shown enough disrespect of her here with your litany of complaints that I find it impossible to believe she's not the recipient of some of it, too. Hence my assumptions.

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@tsarstepan,

I do not clear out any rooms for the sole purpose of monopolizing the real estate for my own self I do already have enough room for myself and she does already have enough room for herself...It's a 3,500 square foot house on 1/2 and acre and there are just the two of us!

You are correct in that she feels her social position is threatened and she often reminds me (well it's closer to nagging/pestering) that she has no space of her own,

This is pure delusion on her part and (as I have discussed here) because she has (at the very least) two decent sized rooms entirely for her own devices plus and has sole charge of the 1/2 acre yard of which I only "interfere" when it gets so degusting-rotting-unsightly-mosquito-ridden that I can't stand it and must clean some of it up...yes the neighbors have complained.

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@Chumly,

Quote:

@BorisKitten,
If you always thought the early years of marriage were the roughest, then I suggest you consider that most people are on their best behavior at the beginning and not at their best behavior at the end.

Ah, "at the end." Are you there, then?

On another note: Has the therapist asked the two of you to write down the things you like and dislike about your spouse? You know, take a sheet of paper, title it "Spouse," write "Like" and "Dislike" as column headings, and off you go.

We haven't heard what you really like about her, or why you married her in the first place. Is she really so lacking in virtues?

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@Chumly,

Chum, I been biting my tongue on this for a while. but you seem to really be struggling trying to repair that which is not perceived as broken.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. (one destined to negatively affect my ratings)

women grow up to be their moms.

from what you have said here and on other please help a chum threads, you may need to make yourself some kind of fortress of solitude within the Chumly compound to continue to deny your own reality...

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@Mame,

Would you please give me some examples where I am so-called 'certainly dishing out some insults here'. I am highly dubious of this claim of yours.

Would you please explain why simply because you claim that I am so-called 'certainly dishing out some insults here' that must mean I treat Mrs. Chumly in the same manner. Again I am very dubious as to how you can, with any semblances of logicality make such a tenuous connection.

I assert that you are not making sense in reference to your above claims.
I further assert that my view in regards to your dubious claims are not reflective of any attempt to be insulting.
I suggest you consider the meaning of the word insult and the context with which you make your claims.

a. To treat with gross insensitivity, insolence, or contemptuous rudeness.
b. To affront or demean: an absurd speech that insulted the intelligence of the audience

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@Chumly,

Chumly wrote:

She has told me a number of times that she needs this junk to somehow assure herself of her position...none the less the fact that she identifies her status with garbage and thus equates my clearing up of the house as requiring retaliation by threatening to throw out my expensive gear is a sign of problems.

This is a put on, right?

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@BorisKitten,

You ask "at the end" well I'll know only after the fact, I have no crystal ball.

No the therapist has not asked us to write down the things we like and dislike about each other but yes I have done this myself many times. It's odd she has not as I would think that would be a great place to lay the groundwork for a new paradigm.

I like that fact that she is very energetic, and alive, and animated, and positive, and caring, and hard working, and good looking.

As to why I married her the truth us I have no inherent need nor desire to marry per se. She insisted on it in fact. But from my perspective the government has no place in the bedrooms or homes of consenting adults and I for one do not need the acceptance of church, state, or society in order to live with and love a woman. However Mrs. Chumly is of a different mind with it comes to the idealization and romanticization of marriage and I accept that.

I would in fact go a big step further and say that it's common for many educated North Americana women with English as their first language to have a different take on the meaning and purpose of marriage as opposed to comparable men within an age group of 40 to 50. Mrs. Chumly's views on marriage and her desires associated with them were of no surprise to me.

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@Chumly,

Chumly wrote:

I do not clear out any rooms for the sole purpose of monopolizing the real estate for my own self I do already have enough room for myself and she does already have enough room for herself...

I figured as such.

Quote:

This is pure delusion on her part

Whether she realizes her fear is irrational based or not, that is why I'm calling for a compromise of sorts - to negate any of her negative delusions. It does sound like you already go through a lot of compromising in this relationship. Would this one more compromise be anything other then a drop in the proverbial bucket?

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Quote:

[Chumley]Would you please give me some examples where I am so-called 'certainly dishing out some insults here'.
------------------------------------------
… her farts were so bad she was relegated to the spare bedroom.

… I myself am positioned in the master bedroom, with the door solidly locked, and the TV burbling,

… [Not Chumley, someone else] I feel embarrassed (no, mortified, really) for your wife each time you mention her farting activities on this thread.

… She has told me a number of times that she needs this junk to somehow assure herself of her position...none the less the fact that she identifies her status with garbage …

… claims that there is no point in staying together because I do not like anything she does...

...her discourteousness and rudeness and yelling ...

… why the hell should I have to be involved in all the crap she can't get straight in her own head?

@JTT,
You're going to have to explain your claims as per qualifications in the context of third party double blind scientific methodology.

Sigh. Lucky for me, this is not my problem to solve.

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@roger,

She will dig through the waste bin garbage with a self satisfying zeal and ferret out all the various constituents and then admonish me for not separating them, and then proudly announce that she will be taking the van to the garbage depot. It's a communal system as we have no pick up of any kind.

Yes I do believe she take a certain satisfaction and yes I do believe she identifies with both the garbage she sorts through from the waste bin, and thus disposes of, and the garbage she "safely" stores. Yes I do believe it is one of her ways of asserting control over her life.

Why?

Because she has told me many times that she has a strong need to control the circumstances in her life and that she does not feel in control any more and her body language and general timbre suggest these actions supply that need of asserting control over her life, at least to some degree.

The thing is, in addition to the stuff I throw into the waste bin, what most anyone else might well consider garbage gets "safely" stored such as bubble wrap, old cardboard boxes, broken old furniture, boxes of useless old fabric, forty year old ski boots on and on (as discussed).

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@tsarstepan,

You make a valid point; is this one more compromise anything other then a drop in the proverbial bucket. However would you want to live this way if you felt it could be a much nicer? I am not boasting (simply giving context) but we live in a beautiful area with big fancy homes (as is ours) and I want what I feel is suitable for the area, and the quality of the house, and my hard work over the years.

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@Chumly,

What sort of financial circumstances has she been in throughout her life, and what sort of circumstances are you in now?

I had very little money for a very long time and that influenced "hoarding"-type behaviors, simply because I couldn't stand to throw something out that I reasonably might need to buy again down the line (as with the fax cartridges et al). I'm still cheap, but I'm more willing to purge now that I know that I could reasonably buy some new bubble wrap if I need some down the line.

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@Chumly,

Sigh:

You say "either" and I say "either"
You say "neither" I say "neither"
"Either" "either", "neither" "neither"
Let's call the whole thing off
You say "potato," I say "patattah"
You say "tomato", I say "creole tomata"
Oh, let's call the whole thing off
Oh, if we call the whole thing off
Then we must part and oh
If we ever part, that would break my heart
So, I say "ursta" you say "oyster"
I'm not gonna stop eatin' urstas just cause you say oyster,
Oh, let's call the whole thing off
Oh, I say "pajamas", you say "pajamas"
Sugar, what's the problem?
Oh, for we know we need each other so
We'd better call the calling off off
So let's call it off, oh let's call it off
Oh, let's call it off, baby let's call it off
Sugar why don't we call it off,
I'm talking baby why call it off
Call it off
Let's call the whole thing off

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@Chumly,

Sorry... you misread me or I wasn't clear enough in my statement. The compromise comes after the collected flotsam and debris is cleaned up and/or recycled. Living in that preclean up state can be unhealthy emotionally and perhaps even physically depending on the severity of the collection.

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@msolga,

msolga, I bet you have a voice that's the envy of Diana Krall! Wink

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@tsarstepan,

Oh I do!

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