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Past relationships and intimacy = taboo subjects? Help?

 
 
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 12:53 am
Personally, as hurtful as knowing can be, I always thought they brought people closer together. Maybe simply the fact that you're trusting your partner with serious-and perhaps damaging-information and opening yourself up completely to them. There's something extremely comforting about letting a person know everything and taking you as you are, for what you are; good and bad.

But.. I learned last year that my partner disagreed with my pov. He agreed to talk about it, and knew how he would react-as did I. We have almost identical personalities and both knew it would hurt, but it had to be said.

For about a year and a month now, our relationship has unfortunately been filled with a lot of spite, pent up anger, hurt, frustration, and depression. We're in a long distance relationship and have been for over two years. It's hard to comfort him this far away and he currently isn't financially set to see me.

I'm not exactly sure about how to help him progress and move on. I understand it won't be entirely forgetten, and what I know won't be either. I've given him a year which is, I think, an understandable amount of time for him to heal. I've attempted to comfort him, I've helped him through every day, and encouraged him. I've done nothing but stand by his side.. but he's not coming around and I'm beginning to worry that what was will be no more; at least the happier times. I know both of us are too attatched and dependent on the other for a serious break up, or to even consider. He's depressed, has no motivation, often times has trouble sleeping, is mad the majority of the time, has major major mood swings, no self-esteem, and always seems to resort back to square one after any progress.

So here's my question: How do I help his mood and help him move on from so far away? Does anyone have any suggestions? He's repeatedly mentioned seeing a therapist (but I feel that's a bit too extreme). Am I wrong to think that?
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 3,010 • Replies: 10
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Dunnbeatable
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 01:52 am
@Lifeisart,
I am personally seeing a therapist and see nothing wrong with it. If he said he would like to see a therapist you should support that, even though you are in a relationship some things will go unsaid. He will discuss these things with his therapist and in time if its right, with you. You talk about him moving on, who made the mistake if you don't mind me asking?
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 07:23 am
@Lifeisart,
I agree that therapy isn't necessarily extreme at all. If what you're saying is that the relationship is too brief to warrant that kind of effort -- that if it's going through this kind of severe rough patch already, it might not be worth saving, I'd get that too. But if your focus is on healing the relationship, sure, therapy sounds good.

I ruined a relationship by talking about past relationships (one in particular, that I was still getting over) too much and learned from that to be more circumspect. With my now-husband, we both kept things to broad outlines until much later (like, 5-10 years later). No one answer I don't think but that worked for us. Some people care more about this stuff than others, and we figured out we were both too jealous as personalities to handle TMI. Not a good thing at all, but we worked with it.
Lifeisart
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 11:01 am
@Dunnbeatable,
I have no problem with therapists and I don't feel there is anything wrong with it, although he's a very independent individual with his problems, so I'm not sure how well a therapist would work for him. At this point I don't think giving it a try could possibley hurt anything though.

We currently discuss everything, and have went over everything. There's nothing left to be said now but to try to work with it and get past it.

As for who made the mistake, we both have a little bit of a not-so-pretty past relationship. I understand he's a guy, though I don't have intentions of being stereotypical, and I should be amazed it wasn't worse. As for my end, I was used at a young age and that's what he's caught up in at the moment. It's not so much that anything happened, it was how and when that bothers him.
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Lifeisart
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 11:07 am
@sozobe,
I don't have intentions of having a breif relationship and neither does he. He's been there for me through everything (moving, abuse, etc.) and we're both too attached to give up. The only reason I even slightly oppose therapy is because it's information about me, personal information, that he's giving to a stranger. I realize it's confidential and it could help, so I guess I'm willing to try anything at this point.

My boy and I had originally agreed not to talk about it, and we didn't for almost a year. I wanted it said before anything was serious so it would be in the open and would hurt less later. He insisted to do it at another time and this is where it has gotten us. It's too late to take back what he knows, and unforunately, neither of us knew how jealous we were until we knew.

I know he's not going anywhere, and I also know he'd be much better here with me. It's just the idea of trying to help him at this point in time, from here. I'm not sure how to go about making the healing process easier on him. Thanks for you input though.
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 11:10 am
Has your relationship always been long-distance?
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 11:10 am
@Lifeisart,
OK, an abuse situation is another kettle of fish though. I can certainly see why he'd have a hard time with that. (It sounds like some sort of sexual abuse, and I know it can be very hard for men to think about sex in a positive way when they know their partner has been sexually abused.)

Therapy for him may well be helpful and yes you're right that it will be confidential.

Have you gone through therapy, yourself?
sullyfish6
 
  0  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 02:28 pm
You said:
"He's depressed, has no motivation, often times has trouble sleeping, is mad the majority of the time, has major major mood swings, no self-esteem, and always seems to resort back to square one after any progress."

and you don't think he needs to talk to a therapist?

Tell this guy to get himself together - he knows how. Let him grow up. You are suffocating him!

I doubt if it is really that much about YOU - which you seem to think.
Bet he'd act this way if he was living with you.
Lifeisart
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 04:58 pm
@eoe,
Yes, it has for the most part. For almost half a year he had moved across the country to live closer to me, but had to return home due to immediate familiy issues (a death in the family).
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Lifeisart
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 04:59 pm
@sozobe,
It was, although.. I try not to think about it with such negative terms. Sexual abuse just makes my stomach turn.

I've never went to therapy. Infact, my boyfriend is the only person who knows what happened.
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Lifeisart
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Nov, 2009 05:08 pm
@sullyfish6,
If you've read any of my previous posts, you'd be aware that I'm willing to try therapy to help him.

I'm actually younger than he is, and I'm not suffocating him. He's grown up. Infact, it's quite the opposite. He repeatedly asks for help and he relies on me. It's a relationship. That's how relationships work. He lives more than a thousand miles away. It's quite impossible for me to suffocate him from here.

Actually, it is very much because of what he now knows about me. He's told me time and time again.

Also, he knew this for over a year now. He was with me the first few months he knew about it, and he was alright and moving on just fine. Since he moved back home, he's gradually gotten worse. Being with me helped him tremendously.

If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. I posted this for positive feedback, not a guilt trip. You're unaware of every factor in my relationship and have no room making such assumptions.
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