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Please make it clearer

 
 
Reply Sat 10 Oct, 2009 05:25 am
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize of this year

Some acclaim him for winning the great honor, while many others show contempt, including the supports of George W. Bush. Hmm... I have to admit that I've ever seen a Bush helping victims of hurricane to carry rice bags when in his presidency. So it is understandable that Bush supporters regard Obama's winning as a slap on Bush's face.

Personally, I like Obama, the first black president in the history of United States. Before he was elected as president, I predicted, in an American website, that he, not Hillary Clinton, would win the presidential campaign. Of course I was not so familar with the domestic situations of America then. I just knew the two partners were far too close in the political fighting, and by coin toss, I deemed that Obama would win.

In China there are stark opposite opinions on this event. If you are good at Chinese, check them out yourself.
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aidan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Oct, 2009 09:04 am
@oristarA,
It's already very clear. There are some word choice issues, but only if you want it to sound as if a native English speaker wrote it.

I really like the phrasing and the very interesting descriptive words you chose overall, but you should add an 'n' to make the word 'ever' read 'never' and delete the article 'a' for Bush - where you say:
Quote:
'Hmm... I have to admit that I've ever seen a Bush helping victims of hurricane to carry rice bags when in his presidency,'
so that it reads 'I have to admit I've NEVER seen George W. Bush helping victims of hurricanes carry rice bags during his presidency,' because when you say 'a Bush' people could read that to mean George Bush the father, George W. Bush, the son - or even a bush - which would not make very much sense.

Quote:
Before he was elected as president, I predicted, in an American website, that he, not Hillary Clinton, would win the presidential campaign.

This sentence has several unnecessary commas. I'd rewrite it thus:

'Before he was elected president, I predicted on an American website, that he and not Hillary Clinton would win the presidential campaign.'

Your usage is not technically wrong - it just breaks the sentence up unnecessarily so that it reads somewhat jumpily and doesn't flow.
Quote:

Of course I was not so familar with the domestic situations of America then.

The only other change I would make is to delete the final s on situations which makes it plural. I think the 'domestic situation in America' is adequate and a more familiar usage of the term to most readers.
oristarA
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Oct, 2009 05:35 pm
@aidan,
Thank you
-------------------------
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Oct, 2009 05:47 pm
@oristarA,
You're welcome Oristar.
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