A pickle..need advice

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I met a man months ago thru friends. He has a 4 yr old child and lives with his parents. The babies mother lives there also and has for 7 years (they dated for 2 yrs before she moved in) Her mother died and she had no family at 17 and after being kicked out of multiple places the last resort was to move in there. They have not been together for 3 years, yet they allow her to remain living there. He has told her on multiple occassions that she needs to move. She thinks it is a joke. I mean who would leave a situation where you dont have to take care of your child or pay any bills. She does not take care of the child at all and is never there b/c she works from 3 in the afternoon til 1 or 2 am waitressing. I have met his whole family and friends and I know the story is correct. He is a pushover and just allows her there in fear she will take the baby away. It would not be b/c she wants her, but out of spite. We started seeing each other about 3 months ago and did not think the relationship would evolve the way it did. We are perfect for each other. I knew she was there and he wants her gone. Well it has now gotten the best of me and we are taking a "break" for him to handle things at home..tie up loose ends and to please his family b/c for 3 months he has been at my home every day every night...only home to pick up his daughter after work and to take her home to bed and back here. He says he wants to be with me and his going to prove it but he just needs time to work out this problem. that he cant just put her on the street with no where to go and after she has been there for so long. she also has an addiction problem to vicodin..which is where all of her money goes.. so he just needs time to work this out but at the same point does not want to loose me in the process b/c everything will work out. the baby mom is also brainwashing the daughter and telling her things so she doesnt like me. She knows he is with me and that still hasn't made her leave. HOw long should i give time...does he really have intentions on having her to leave?

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@angelica1205,

I'm just going to be straight-up here: run away. Very fast. Can you honestly see this situation turning out well for you?

I mean, you say he's perfect for you, but he's living with his pill-addicted baby momma and won't kick her out. Is that how you envisioned your perfect guy?

Cycloptichorn

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@angelica1205,

I agree with Cylco.

But to answer your question... there is a basic rule of relationships: You don't start a new relationship until you have resolved (i.e. are completely through with) the old one. This guy has clearly not ended his old relationship-- and at the very least, you should not back out until at least this old girlfriend is done with.

That being said, the big red flag here for me is the addiction to narcotics.

Unhealthy relationships are common with drug addicts where they find someone who will "support" their habit by protecting them from having to deal with it. If you read about any drug treatment program (i.e. al-anon) you will see that dealing with these relationships are central to treatment.

It sounds like this guy is tied up in this type of relationship-- and trust me, you don't want to have anything to do with this.

Probably a healthy romantic relationship with this guy is simply impossible-- he is simply not ready.

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@angelica1205,

My dear angelica1205, i think if u really luv this man he should be given a chance to prove himself. I am somewhat confused though about him fearing that he might loose his daughter, granted that his ex is an addict... is there any hard evidence to prove such claim? i must commend him for being so caring knowing that the two of them have not had any relation for a while and to top it off he has been supporting her. But i honestly think he needs to let go... get the facts and if necessary seek legal advice.

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He can move in with you.

She is not in "his" house, she is at his parent's.

Her being at the family home is between them, not between him and her.

This guy needs to man-up, if he wants a relationship with you.

But don't count on it. This sounds like a mess, and you have been pulled into it all.

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@angelica1205,

On a quick read I agree with cyclo and ebrown. This seems to me a complex enabling relationship of parents, son, grandchild and vicodin using child's mother. This is a mess to get into, you'll be enabler number four, and the child loses on all counts. The whole lot need serious counselling and the baby may need protection from all of them.

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There are no facts of how she is. There has been nothing legal. His parents dont get involved and just allow her to stay there in fear of her taking their only grandchild away. She has lived there her entire life. He feels like he can't just put her on the street with no where to go b/c it is his daughter's mother. They dont speak to each other unless its for her to make a snotty comment about him being with me or the baby being around me. He feels bad b/c she has lived there for 7 yrs and has no family. everything she owns is there..which is nothing but personal belongings. He knows it is a bad situation and wants to make it right. we were both wrong for starting this with her still there..but again we did not think we would click the way we have. This is our only issue. I have heard him tell her it is time for her to go for them to move on with their lives. Before me...he would tell her she needs to leave, but never inforce it. Again, like i said he is a pushover. He figured it would be easier than it is and once she realized he was with someone she would leave. nope..didn't work. its really a messed up situation. he sees exactly where i come from that it is a problem between me and him and we cannot move forward with her there...we also realize even when she does move out..she will still be a problem. his entire family agrees it is over between them two and has been for years. he says that chapter is closed...and the only connection is his daughter. he struggles with how does he really get her to leave..it is not right to just put everything on the front lawn. she has no family...it would have to be a friend that she would resort to. then at the same token...she leaves and takes the baby with her...what kind of friend is this..or if she leaves teh baby there b/c she simply is not a parent to her anyway...what type of environment would she be in when mom picks her up for a visit.

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@sullyfish6,

i live in a 2 bedroom apt with my daughter. he cant just up and move in here...what about his daughter. than thats awhole new issue....baby mom going crazy b/c the baby is living here with him. there is just simply no room for that. do i allow this man some time to get is situated and tie up the ends. he claims he wants this relationship and wants to be with me..but it is not fair at this point for me b/c of her being there. also..we will continue to argue about it and end up hating each other. he said he is going to prove it to me and everything will be fine in the end. he just needs to figure things out in his head. i'm skeptical and this is the first time i have ever posted anything for advice. when i told him to make the choice on saturday is when this all began. it was over the phone and he came here right away to discuss it with tears in his eyes. i have been in relationships before and a terrible one with my daughters father...this man is genuine in a very bad situation.

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@grenlovely,

i did a reply to you..but i think as a post. and how much time do i allow for him to prove himself?

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@angelica1205,

I'm less interested in not being cruel to her (though I hear you on that, am thinking about it, and hope wiser people than I come along and have immediate suggestions for what the father should do) than the essentially cruel - or at least very tense - situation for the baby.

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@ossobuco,

exactly my thoughts and expressed to him. its in a sense abusive for her to be in the situation with so much tension. not to mention..in her eyes..mommy and daddy are still together and it will be worse when she is older when mom just ups and moves out. also..she is not a parent to the little girl. she sleeps til 11:30 wakes up..gets ready for work and leaves at 3:30 and not home until 2am or after once lil one is asleep. her days off consist of out running ....tanning and nails. So lil one is always crying about mom yelling at her or not doing anything with her. he is just as guilty b/c he is in a sense allowing it to happen.

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@angelica1205,

Quote:

and how much time do i allow for him to prove himself?

None...tell him that you are over till he gets his situation cleaned-up, and then you will see. Till then keep fishing.

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@angelica1205,

Right. So, I'll wait with you for other people to answer.

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@angelica1205,

Quote:

He has a 4 yr old child and lives with his parents.

This guy STILL lives with his parents? That right there should be a big red flag.

Quote:

The babies mother lives there also and has for 7 years (they dated for 2 yrs before she moved in). Her mother died and she had no family at 17 and after being kicked out of multiple places the last resort was to move in there.

He dated and married (or whatever) a girl who got kicked out of everywhere? One that’s an addict? That too should be a big red flag.

Quote:

They have not been together for 3 years, yet they allow her to remain living there. He has told her on multiple occassions that she needs to move. She thinks it is a joke.

Another flag regarding how he handles relationships.

Quote:

Well it has now gotten the best of me and we are taking a "break" for him to handle things at home..tie up loose ends and to please his family b/c for 3 months he has been at my home every day every night...only home to pick up his daughter after work and to take her home to bed and back here.

You’re kidding, right? He was giving no time to his daughter?

Quote:

He says he wants to be with me and his going to prove it but he just needs time to work out this problem.

Just like he wants to live independently of his parents, wants to stand up for himself, and just like he wants to look after his daughter? Have you asked yourself why you have overlooked these things?

As for what to do - I rather agree with the original replies - leave.

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Five will get you ten that he does not force her to move because he would have to pay child support. My bet is that right now child support is not an issue because she is living with him in his parents home. So, I'm betting that this situation is not going to resolve itself anytime soon. Thus, you are better off walking away now rather than to continue wasting time waiting on him. After all, you're not getting any younger.

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@sullyfish6,

ditto what sully says. You need to decide if you want to be with this "man" enough to deal with all this baggage. It sounds as if there are alot of young people involved - mom is 17 - a teenager; I am assuming the dad of child is young as well seeing he is living at home with his parents. From what you read you sound young as well. Plenty young enough that you shouldn't deal with such a situation.

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He's got it easy right now. He has access to his kid without having to pay child support or fight to see her.

He and his parents have legal remedies they can take to 1) get her evicted and 2) to get custody of the child. If they are not taking action then they obviously are content with the situation the way it is, which leaves no room for a new girlfriend in the picture.

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A pickle..need advice

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