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Don't Know What To Do Anymore

 
 
Reply Sun 20 Sep, 2009 11:32 am
I met someone last year and we hit it off spectacularly. The relationship is a LDR which was fine at first but it seems the separation is sadly starting to take it's toll. I am concerned that he is not doing enough to keep the emotional connection between us alive and seems to think that chatting online every night, text messages and a phone call scattered here and there is all it's going to take. I keep telling him we are a young couple in a LDR. This is very difficult and we need to work on keeping the love alive but I can't get through to him. Now we fight practically everyday and I have no idea what to do anymore. I don't want to fight but these things bother me and when i bring them up he gets upset because he believes he is doing all he can already and furthermore has wonderful intentions for the future and I'm just complaining about him which is not true. More recently he forgot our anniversary and the next day I told him and he goes why didn't I remind him the day before and I only kept it to myself because I wanted to wait so I could complain about him which is completely absurd. Fighting is a complete waste of time which sucks much needed energy and I am tired of it especially since most of the fighting is conducted through sms or yahoo messenger instead of face to face. I do not wish to end the relationship and neither does he but again, I do not know what to do any more. Does anyone have any advice? TIA. Sad
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,510 • Replies: 6
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Sep, 2009 03:07 pm
@mammamia,
I actually kinda agree with him -- expecting him to remember, rather than telling him, is kinda passive-agressive. He forgot. You remembered. So tell him next time.

I'm also trying to figure out what else he's gotta do, since you're in communications every single day already. What else do you think can possibly be done? After a while, it gets absurd. Step back. Have a life outside of this. I think that'll be better for both of you.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2009 12:50 am
@jespah,
I disagree with Jespah's viewpoint.

Personally I think you should tell him it's not working and move on. Let him know that you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, and while you love him, you respect yourself too much to settle for less / being unhappy in a relationship. Promises for the future aren't much if there's no building blocks for the present.

Long distance relationships do take two parties to make it work. Text messages and phone calls aren't enough (for the vast majority of people).

Let me put it to you this way - what do you need in a relationship to make you happy? Are you getting that from this relationship (the obvious answer btw, is 'no', or you wouldn't be posting what you posted). Are you going to respect your needs (basically if you don't he won't...which by the way, he isn't doing already)? Go after what you wan't (respectfully of course), otherwise you won't get it in your relationship. If you value his needs over your needs, then you will end up unhappy (basically it's a balancing trick, with you always keeping an eye on what you need to be happy... because if he won't, and you don't, no one else will - it's ultimately your responsibility)

Pay attention to your needs, and respect them.
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2009 01:09 am
@mammamia,
I have never seen a long distance relationship work that did not include periodic bouts of togetherness, as in a week here, four days there......this requires time and travel money, a combination that few young people can come up with.
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Mame
 
  2  
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2009 09:13 am
I agree with Jes on both counts - why not tell him about the anniversary, and you already talk everyday, what more do you want?

Re the anniversary - sorry, but what's the big deal? I'm not surprised he didn't remember - I wouldn't have either. It's apparently more important to you than to him, and is that something to argue about??? I'm sure there's something he cares more about than you do, so do you think you should fight about that, too? Women and men see things differently, and often want different things - embrace those differences and let him be.

This relates to the second issue - 'trying to keep the love alive' - good lord - you talk and text every blessed day - what more do you expect? If you say something nice, that'll keep it alive. What do you want to do? Psychoanalyze everything?

I think you're bored and lonely and probably just want reassurance, but if daily texts and chats don't reassure you, the problem lies with you, methinks. I think you're pressuring him for no good reason.

In summary, let things go their natural course. If it is meant to be, it will. There's not a whole lot of working on a relationship that can be done when it's long distance.
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2009 08:34 pm
Most men need reminding about anniversaries. Seems they are more important to women than men.

Having said that, if you are making plans for the future with this guy, then you are going to have to be less needy and toughen up.

LDR are challenging and either you accept that - or let him go and find a guy you can see every day.

Fighting long distance must suck.
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2009 08:53 pm
@Mame,
Quote:
This relates to the second issue - 'trying to keep the love alive' - good lord - you talk and text every blessed day - what more do you expect? If you say something nice, that'll keep it alive. What do you want to do? Psychoanalyze everything?

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?

What if you only knew each other for say 3 weeks before you had to move apart? Do you still think only phone calls texts will do? (the OP doesn't say how long they had together at the start, or if they had one at all)

As for implying 'what you want doesn't matter that much' - how utterly ridiculous. If an anniversary is important to someone, it's important to them.

The same goes for his ignoring her needs/wants/desires on this matter...he doesn't have to always cater to them, but he needs to be respectful/compassionate of them, which doesn't appear to be the case.
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