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my wife has depression and a chemical imblance along with being anemic and blames me for everything

 
 
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 03:07 pm
I love my wife very much. I have been married for 11 months and my wife is constantly blaming me for all of her problems. She now says all of her problems are my fault. I am the reason for her depression and her anger she says all the time. It usually starts on the 5th of the month and lasts for 9 days. This has been going on every month that i can remember since I have known her. At first I thought it was just because she didnt like her job and was having a hard time finding one she liked. She found a new job and loved it. then she started saying how she hated her job and it all began again. I don't know what to do anymore. The 5th comes and she starts saying i am cheating on her and that i want someonelse she can tell. I do nothing to even give her that reason. I work two jobs and when i am done working i come right home. I have given up on going out with friends so she doesn't think i am with another woman. She is constantly saying i am cheating on her when in reality she has cheated on me and got caught 4 different times.
She said it was my fault that she started talking with a guy from work. she said he understood her and was compasionate and i wasn't.
I need help, i don't know whatelse to do. I thought at first it was things i would say so i watched very carefully the things i would say. then later i found out that it did not matter what i did or said would trigger her depression and anger. It always starts out with anger for 5 days and then turns into depression.
I am so tired of being blamed, yelled at, slapped, pushed, having things thrown at me.
When the anger starts it usually follows with throwing things, breaking things, taking all the pictures with us in them down.
Since our marriage, she has broken everything that was given to us at our wedding.
She is constantly throwing her wedding ring at me and leaving it sit where it lands on the floor for days.

Then after the 9 days are up it seems like she has forgotten everything she said or did.

Everytime she is depressed i sit by her side for a bit and then constantly checking on her to make sure she is ok or if she needs anything.

One day she was depressed lying in bed after work and i came home, sat down by her and just held her hand.
She got up yelling at me, " if you are going to be mean to me i am going out with my friends then." she got dressed, went out and got drunk, came home at midnight and went to bed in another room
Lately she has been using alcohol and smoking more and more.

I have read and researched all about depression and chemical imblances and i just need help in what to do.
She will not take medication, she said she use to and it made her sick or tired and she could not go to work. She also refuses to go to counceling with me because she feels it is a waste of money.

Is there anyone out there that can help me.
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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 6,917 • Replies: 11
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Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 03:25 pm
@need hlep,
Yes, you do need help. You need to see a therapist and find out why you would marry and put up with this woman. I think you have a serious self-esteem problem and the quicker you realize this the faster you will be able to get out of this abusive relationship and start anew. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 03:50 pm
@need hlep,
If it is as you say it is....deep doo-doo.
In the old days couples would honor their vows and sacrifice themselves for the good of their spouse and family.

My dad was in a similar situation although my mom worked hard to overcome her bouts of depression. He persevered and I am very proud of him and her...they're going strong after 60 years!

In the end, you have to make the decision. How much of your life can you sacrifice...and for how long?
0 Replies
 
MagicBlackCat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 07:22 pm
ugh. I don't have a lot of advice for you I am afraid but many of the things you say in your post are things which my not soon enough to be ex said to me when I told him I needed to get away from him. He was unhealthy for me in many ways. I had come to accept behavior which was unacceptable for most people because I did not realize how I was enabling him. He has a personality disorder but no amount of marriage counseling in the world would have shown him, he needed to change for the marriage to remain healthy. Not saying I am perfect in anyway, but every single counseling session was so focused on what I needed to do fix things, that anythng I said about my needs was completely drowned out and turned around so that he didn't have anything to work on. Nothing like feeling picked on by both a spouse and counselor. I was a wreck and contemplated suicide because I was made to believe I was the problem. Let me tell you I did a lot of research on his behaviors and what I did find was not good. I had to get out of my marriage and would tell him so. It was pure hell on earth.

It does sound like you have some real self esteem issues. She too probably has them and the things you say may definately be causing her to react out in the form of depression and other ways.

Instead of trying to fix your wife, look to yourself. Go to a counseling by yourself, talk out your 'issues' about your wife. Try to feel what true empathy is. You may think you know the answers, but you truly need to listen to someone who can give you persepective of true behaviors that are healthy in a relationship. Just my opinion here. Please no back lash, you've come here to get advice and this is just the opinion of one person who can really empathize with someone in your wife's situation. Good luck to you!
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 07:45 pm
so long as you let her tantrums control you you are fucked. Stop walking on egg shells. Go out with your friends, do your thing, let her get mad, and when she does go for a walk or a drive. If she is going to be impossible for 9 days then be gone for 9 days, next month give her the chance to behave herself and if she does not then take off again.

If she wants you bad enough she will correct her behaviour on her own, if she does not then you should take a hike for good, because she does not want you bad enough for this to ever work. Normal laws of relationship hold true in abuse situations, a man must always pick a woman who wants/needs him. If she does not want/need you enough to get her **** together then that means that you picked poorly. You should deal with that before you get into another relationship.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 07:54 pm
None of us know what is going on here. Need Help's wife may be dealing with being bipolar. There is a mess of difficulty, including that Need Help is flailing and may ordinarily be sturdy but brought to confusion now.

I don't think we're all the fixers, and I do think you need help, NH. Please try to access a licensed psychological counsellor or clinic for yourself and possibly your wife.

We don't know where you are and what access you might possibly have to help..
I don't mean that you have to tell us exactly, but give us a general clue of the area you are posting from, as maybe we can do some research.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 08:00 pm
I've had plenty of experience with depression, so I can tell you the truth. It is sad, but here it is: You cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

These are her problems, and she alone must solve them. If she refuses to help herself, via counseling and medication (and it will take both), nothing you can do will make any difference. No matter how much you love her, and how hard you try, you won't be able to fix her. Meanwhile, I would make it very clear to her that no matter how bad she feels, there are limits and you will not stand for any more abuse. Her depression/imbalance does not give her the right to mistreat others under any circumstance.

I am not you, but if I were in your shoes, I would insist that she seek professional help as a condition to continuing the marriage. And I would seek counseling for myself, as others here have suggested, in order to figure out where you go from here.

ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 08:03 pm
@Eva,
OK, good advice from Eva.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 08:07 pm
@ossobuco,
even if she is bipolar or depressed she has a great deal of control over her behaviour. Solving the medical stuff, if there is medical stuff, is not required to end the abuse. Neither is ending the relationship, in almost all cases.

The one who is being abused must take the situation, and the abuser, in hand.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2009 08:18 pm
@hawkeye10,
I tend to agree re the abused person. I don't know except by observation of the people, friends and relatives, themselves dealing with serious bipolar stuff or godawful depression, and what control they might have at a given time.

But.. I sympathize with both, most of the time.

Taking someone in hand is not easy. One often doesn't have access to the loved one's doctors, or can compel anything. Most of that is for the good - I saw the troubles from compelling.

This is not at all an area I'm smart about, at the same time I've seen.. well, never mind.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Sep, 2009 01:41 am
@need hlep,
These sort of posts make me incredibly frustrated.

First things first " just because you love someone, does not mean you are compatible with them, nor does it mean they are good for you, nor does it mean you have to fix them (in reality, you can’t " only they can fix themselves...usually help/guidance is needed, but the person fixes themself...so if they don’t want to " it won’t happen)

Quote:
my wife is constantly blaming me for all of her problems. She now says all of her problems are my fault. I am the reason for her depression and her anger she says all the time.


There are contributing circumstances to your wifes life and emtions...but in the end, while those contributing circumstances influence her decisions - she makes them...ie she is entirely responsible for her life, her actions, and her emotions.

Her anger his her own responsibility. No one on earth can ‘make’ another person angry. No one can mind control her emotions (do you really think you exert mind control over her?). If you believe you can make her feel what you want (ie ‘control’ her emotions) let me in on the secret....I’ll use it wisely " I promise.

Quote:
I work two jobs and when i am done working i come right home. I have given up on going out with friends so she doesn't think i am with another woman.

This reaction is understandble...and completely wrong for you (or anyone) - doing this will also utterly undermine who you are as a person " you will become ‘lost’. It is classic behaviour adopted by the abused in domestic violence relationships " google ‘cycle of domestic violence’. By supressing your values and needs - you says 'they aren't valuable to me' and the automatic conclusion to that is 'I am not valuable'. (this is the very short, abbreviated version)

Quote:
She is constantly saying i am cheating on her when in reality she has cheated on me and got caught 4 different times.

Dude, she’s abusing you constantly, destroying your self-esteem, cheating on you, breaking your property, and blaming you for it all...google domestic violence... get to a counsellor quickly...they’ll all tell you the same thing...domestic violence...get out of there now.

Quote:
She said it was my fault that she started talking with a guy from work. she said he understood her and was compasionate and i wasn't.

You getting much compassion from her? I bet you’re making excuses for her lack of compassion. I’ll bet a raspberry icecream that you often blame yourself for her reactions (like you’re capable of controlling them " get over your egotistical belief that you mind control her emotions dude)

Quote:
I need help, i don't know whatelse to do. I thought at first it was things i would say so i watched very carefully the things i would say. then later i found out that it did not matter what i did or said would trigger her depression and anger. It always starts out with anger for 5 days and then turns into depression.
Google ‘cycle of domestic violence’ " classic symptoms.

Quote:
I am so tired of being blamed, yelled at, slapped, pushed, having things thrown at me.
When the anger starts it usually follows with throwing things, breaking things, taking all the pictures with us in them down.
Since our marriage, she has broken everything that was given to us at our wedding.
She is constantly throwing her wedding ring at me and leaving it sit where it lands on the floor for days.
Google cycle of domestic violence " classic symptoms.

Quote:
Then after the 9 days are up it seems like she has forgotten everything she said or did.

Google cycle of domestic violence " classic symptoms

Quote:
Everytime she is depressed i sit by her side for a bit and then constantly checking on her to make sure she is ok or if she needs anything.
Of course " you are a push over. She knows that she can do what she likes to you, she can treat your like crap as much as she wants (and blame you for her life), and you’ll just keep taking it. You’ll love her like a puppy that gets beaten constantly, but runs back to it’s viscious owner thinking ‘if only I behave right, she’ll love me the way I want to be loved’...guess what " it ain’t gonna happen.

...now, that was unecessarily harsh...and how unfortunately close to reality was it?

You can change things - as long as you're prepared to value yourself, your life (you do understand that there are two individuals and a relationship? Not a relationship where 'two become one'...which theory is a load of rot), your individuality. Start searching for and recognising your needs...acknowledge them, and respect them (if you don't, she certainly won't). Be yourself again, and those parts you've lost - find yourself again.

Don't take her tantrums as being something you can modify by modifying your behaviour - she eitherwise loves you for who you are, or she doesn't. Don't take responsibility for her tantrums - always let her know that her behaviour is her responsibility - she'll hate hearing it from you (because it reflects badly on her), and she'll attack you for it...but stand firm on that...her behaviour is her responsibility ...you value and respect your own needs, and take time out to meet them.
0 Replies
 
hpjunkie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Apr, 2010 11:33 am
@need hlep,
This was posted some time ago and you may have found a solution. If her depression cycles aren't continual she may have a different medical problem than depression alone. Such as diabeties or hypoglycemic which shows signs of rage and depression. You mentioned it comes in a predictable pattern, which could be PMPDD which is hormonal based on her normal menstrual cycle. Clearly this cycle is linked to something hormonal and blood related. PMPDD is a newly discovered condition and the medication isn't stable. The good news is her anemia can be handled by eating steaks and brocolli regularly. Premsyn PMS does wonders without headaches, stomach aches, etc.You may need to smash it up and put it in her food. Even in small dosages you'll be able to tell if it's her depression or a PMS related issue. This will help you determine which of her conditons is causing the most greif.

Most importantly, you need to make her understand that you are willing to help her, but these are her problems. No one should be expected to be in a mental, verbal and especially a phycial abusive situation. She is taking advantage of you. You've only been married 11 months and she's had these problems long before you got involved. She needs to take responsibility for herself, her words and her actions or soon you will find that you don't really love her. You loved the idea of marriage, picket fences, etc. Because when a person loves you, they will do what is neccassary to make things right, including improving themselves. Of course everyone has set backs, relapse and breakdowns but that person must show an effort. It isn't your fault but there are things you can do to help identify the problems and maybe even eliminate like making sure she eats right every day (lots of iron, not alot of sugar). Too often people who suffer with great depression self medicate by drinking. If she doesn't improve by the small other things I've mentioned she should be convinced to try new medications and keep trying new ones until she finds one that works for her. Yes, this is a horrible long drawn out process but laying in bed, being miserable and dealing with rage could last a life time. It's worth the few months of switching medications. Also talk to her family members. Many medications that work for family members will work for her. Many of these conditions listed are hereditary.

Most of all...don't take the abuse. If you trying to stick through this with her it means your a good man. But eventually she has to take responsibilty of her problems and correct them. If something isn't done the marriage normally ends in divorce. You don't deseverve the abuse, punishment and the mental scars that will last you a life time, far longer than the marriage.

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