These sort of posts make me incredibly frustrated.
First things first " just because you love someone, does not mean you are compatible with them, nor does it mean they are good for you, nor does it mean you have to fix them (in reality, you can’t " only they can fix themselves...usually help/guidance is needed, but the person fixes themself...so if they don’t want to " it won’t happen)
my wife is constantly blaming me for all of her problems. She now says all of her problems are my fault. I am the reason for her depression and her anger she says all the time.
There are contributing circumstances to your wifes life and emtions...but in the end, while those contributing circumstances influence her decisions - she makes them...ie she is entirely responsible for her life, her actions, and her emotions.
Her anger his her own responsibility. No one on earth can ‘make’ another person angry. No one can mind control her emotions (do you really think you exert mind control over her?). If you believe you can make her feel what you want (ie ‘control’ her emotions) let me in on the secret....I’ll use it wisely " I promise.
I work two jobs and when i am done working i come right home. I have given up on going out with friends so she doesn't think i am with another woman.
This reaction is understandble...and completely wrong for you (or anyone) - doing this will also utterly undermine who you are as a person " you will become ‘lost’. It is classic behaviour adopted by the abused in domestic violence relationships " google ‘cycle of domestic violence’. By supressing your values and needs - you says 'they aren't valuable to me' and the automatic conclusion to that is 'I am not valuable'. (this is the very short, abbreviated version)
She is constantly saying i am cheating on her when in reality she has cheated on me and got caught 4 different times.
Dude, she’s abusing you constantly, destroying your self-esteem, cheating on you, breaking your property, and blaming you for it all...google domestic violence... get to a counsellor quickly...they’ll all tell you the same thing...domestic violence...get out of there now.
She said it was my fault that she started talking with a guy from work. she said he understood her and was compasionate and i wasn't.
You getting much compassion from her? I bet you’re making excuses for her lack of compassion. I’ll bet a raspberry icecream that you often blame yourself for her reactions (like you’re capable of controlling them " get over your egotistical belief that you mind control her emotions dude)
I need help, i don't know whatelse to do. I thought at first it was things i would say so i watched very carefully the things i would say. then later i found out that it did not matter what i did or said would trigger her depression and anger. It always starts out with anger for 5 days and then turns into depression.
Google ‘cycle of domestic violence’ " classic symptoms.
I am so tired of being blamed, yelled at, slapped, pushed, having things thrown at me.
When the anger starts it usually follows with throwing things, breaking things, taking all the pictures with us in them down.
Since our marriage, she has broken everything that was given to us at our wedding.
She is constantly throwing her wedding ring at me and leaving it sit where it lands on the floor for days.
Google cycle of domestic violence " classic symptoms.
Then after the 9 days are up it seems like she has forgotten everything she said or did.
Google cycle of domestic violence " classic symptoms
Everytime she is depressed i sit by her side for a bit and then constantly checking on her to make sure she is ok or if she needs anything.
Of course " you are a push over. She knows that she can do what she likes to you, she can treat your like crap as much as she wants (and blame you for her life), and you’ll just keep taking it. You’ll love her like a puppy that gets beaten constantly, but runs back to it’s viscious owner thinking ‘if only I behave right, she’ll love me the way I want to be loved’...guess what " it ain’t gonna happen.
...now, that was unecessarily harsh...and how unfortunately close to reality was it?
You can change things - as long as you're prepared to value yourself, your life (you do understand that there are two individuals and a relationship? Not a relationship where 'two become one'...which theory is a load of rot), your individuality. Start searching for and recognising your needs...acknowledge them, and respect them (if you don't, she certainly won't). Be yourself again, and those parts you've lost - find yourself again.
Don't take her tantrums as being something you can modify by modifying your behaviour - she eitherwise loves you for who you are, or she doesn't. Don't take responsibility for her tantrums - always let her know that her behaviour is her responsibility - she'll hate hearing it from you (because it reflects badly on her), and she'll attack you for it...but stand firm on that...her behaviour is her responsibility ...you value and respect your own needs, and take time out to meet them.