Things you miss when the kids leave the nest

my daughters are not allowed to date until they're 30!

They'll just do it behind your back.

Not necessarily... Not with the Handy, Economical Super-Duper Bedroom Door Padlock, and a very complicated Chastity Belt I've seen at Lowe's...

darn, no lowes here.

You can't keep an eye on them 24/7, especially when they're in school.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

i'll just have to show up at their school then, won't i?.

stop making trouble dlk! let me know who you're picking next weekend.

Things you miss when the kids leave the nest:

Hopefully, the kids-I got three at home right now:

17, 14 and 11

Gosh, do I ever miss dinner times....we used to
talk up a storm, and we always had such a good
time, Erica (the youngest) had such an infectious
giggle that once we got started, it was laugh till
your belly hurt. We talked about every topic
under the sun - even sex, at dinner. It was one
of the high points in all MY days. Once I got into
recovery in AlAnon, and in AA - I learned that my
own children were much more entertaining than
a stupid TV. They were a riot. Of course, there is
all that separation stuff going on - them needing to
break the rules..to prove their growing independence.
Me - having to be as stern faced as I possibly could,
it really WAS difficult to get really mad at them.
*With the exception of my oldest daughter who got
into drugs and booze & started stealing money out
of my purse, and or taking off on her sisters bike,
going off, and then coming home without the bike,
having no clue where it was, or who had it.*
First ones are always touch, somebody has to
break you in I guess. The eldest quit school at
9th grade. I had fought and fought with her about
it....to no avail. So a few years later, when me
and my middle daughter were driving home from
school - she made the comment that she didn't
really know if she wanted to go back and finish
high school & graduate and all that......I just kept
my BIG MOUTH SHUT! I said, oh really - well what
got you to thinking about that? No taking a fit, no
even taking her seriously.... just let her talk, all
she was doing was talking....she did go back to
school and graduate. But I guarantee you that if
I had made a BIG issue out of it when she had
mentioned it -- the result probablly would have
been FAR different. Mostly, I learned to keep my
big mouth shut.. just listen, and ask a few
questions here and there, but not take them SO
seriously.
Funny - now when they look back and talk about the
good old days - they always talk about 'THE LOOK!"
Apparently, nobody really appreciated getting that
look, that stern, boy am I mad look! Who would've
thought I DO MISS them too. They have
all been gone for years.... but there are plenty of
times I kind of pine for them, for those good old
days. But on other occassions, I am so so happy
that I am FREE AT LAST!

By the way DLK, the rules were the house rules
and for the most part, did not change a whole lot
as long as they wished to remain living under MY
roof. They could come in later - but not worry me
to death by staying out way late. Mostly, it was
the same - they still had to do their share of the
chores and stuff. But, usually once they hit 18,
hopefully they go off to college and begin to do
their experimenting with living on their own there.
Among a ton of other kids who are on their own
for the first time too. And, I think it is better that
they go to a college not too far away from home,
unless they are already a very independent
personality.

pueo,
Who me making trouble, I don't know what you're talking about.
I'll be sure to let you know who I plan on picking next week. I'll post my picks in the Superbowl forum for you to see.

BillW,
Oh my, that's worse then my situation with an 18 & 16 year old. I hope you don't have all girls. I bet when the last one finally leaves it won't be an easy transition to make. I'm not looking forward to that big day.

babsatamelia,
I've just got one question for you. How was it even legally possible for your then 9th grader to not go to school? Weren't there laws then to prevent that, like being truant?
I would never consider an option like that from either of my children.
My rule, they have to stay in school. (at least until they graduate high school)
Going away to college sounds great, but isn't always possible, especially on a one income family. These days, I'm not so sure a four year college is the best option, unless a student can get a scholarship. A two year college with a transfer option seems like the best deal overall. I've been told that only 25% of jobs will require a four year degree in the future.

Lots of interesting stuff here. Sorry I haven't been around much to participate, but one of mine was home for two weeks (combo Christmas and wedding planning). It was an absolute joy!

dlk, yes, I worried about both of them while they were off at college. But I still worry about them now (though not quite as much since each has found a 'significant other'). My future daughter-in-law called me from the car phone on Christmas evening to let me know that they were on their way home from her parents and that despite the heavy snow they were fine and would let me know when they got home. Even she knows I'm a born worrier and that a simple phone call works wonders.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do was let go of them. This is particularly true of my daughter, the younger one. Though she was the 'baby' she has always been more independent. Had all things been 'equal', I suspect my son would have been the one I had the most trouble with. But my daughter was just getting over a bout with clinical depression when she started college which made things extremely complicated. After a stormy couple of weeks (during which I had to drive up to college, bring her home for a week, and then return to convince several different authoritarian types that she did, indeed, belong there) she wound up graduating 4 years later magna cum laude. She just earned her master's degree and is now working on her PhD and will be married June 14th. She has thanked me on more than one occasion for having the guts and the faith in her to let her go back. It was NOT easy and I, too, relied on a belief in something larger than myself.

Nothing in parenting is really easy. I'm one of those people who believes, however, that at a certain point you have done all that you can do to mold your children into good people with a reasonable sense of right and wrong and enough common sense to get them through. It is at that point that the best thing you can do for them is to let them go.

Both my kids know that they can come home at any time and find a welcome and that I would still do absolutely anything I possibly could to make their lives happy, to support them in whatever it is they want to do, and to just listen when they need to vent. One of the nicest things about having grown up kids like mine, is that they would do the same for me now. Of that, I am very proud.

bandylu,
At what point did it occur to you that it was time to let go, and why?
It sounds like you're getting out of your kids exactly what you put into them.
That's all I can hope for.
Sounds like the future daughter-in-law likes you too, who could ask for more.

There wasn't a particular point, dlk. It was more a gradual thing -- a little more freedom, a little more responsibility and if they handled it well, then a little more. In high school my son was very tame and created absolutely no 'typical' teenage problems -- thus, when he went off to college he needed to take more from the social aspects of college life than the academic (though he did okay there, too). And he needed to be away from me (always was very attached -- still is to an extent but has gotten much, much better and future daughter-in-law says she knows he'll treat her right cause he treats his mom so well). He called every day for the first three or four MONTHS at college. Each vacation, when it was time to go back, I had to give him a gentle shove out the front door. But by the first summer break, he'd decided to work at the college as an Orientation Advisor for incoming freshmen. It killed me but it showed me he was growing up. Of course, after he graduated he moved back home for a while (which was nice -- I don't care what people say -- cause he was here when his sister went off to college so I still had one of them around). Now he's got his own house and we talk a couple of times a week (and he's the one who usually calls me -- I try very hard not to butt my two cents in unless asked).

Daughter was a social butterfly in high school and used college for the academics (obviously). She was more of a worry but we had good communication lines open so I almost always knew what was going on. She was always more independent than my son -- needed to be her own person right from the start. Luckily she had a nice bunch of friends (some of whom called me 'Mom', too) and never got into any trouble (if you don't count the accident two weeks after she got her license). Her need to be independent is what made me let her go back to college even after her very rough start -- she would have been most unhappy at home at that point and she really needed to prove to herself that she could make it (which, of course, she did). I was a nervous wreck for the entire first year, but I made it through, too.

Once they went off to college, when they did come home there were no rules except for common courtesy (i.e. calling to let us know if they'd be late; asking before they brought friends home; etc.). They were living in dorms (and then off campus in apartments) on their own for all intents and purposes and doing okay. There is no way that I could expect them to come home and suddenly become little kids again.

bandylu,
Our 18 year old is set to go to the local community college to get an A.A. degree as a Pre-school teacher. Right now she still plans on living at home, but has discussed the idea of renting an apartment with her friend who already lives on her own. (worries me because new friend recently lost her rent payment, and she is having problems with her present roommate) I don't think there is a way my daughter can go to school full-time and have a job that will afford her enough money to live on her own at the same time.
On the other hand, I know moving out will help her to grow up a bit, and be more responsible, which she needs. But, I'm also afraid that if she does move out, she'll end up moving back home because she really isn't ready in my opinion to be on her own.
Raising teens into adults has to be the hardest job on earth, or the one that gives the most grey hairs to parents.
My daughter had two acccidents in the first year she had her drivers license.
Your son sounds most like my youngest daughter, we are very close.
We're starting to discuss with her future career options, as well as higher education options.
We have an added complication though due to the fact that we're considering relocating to another State once she graduates high school.
That idea has added much stress to the whole thing.
I can see why you didn't really have any rules for your adult kids when they did come home for college break. At that point, the rules should be considered common sense courtesy on their part.
I'm glad I still have a little time left before they do go, but I'm also looking forward to the time they are independent adults.

I really can't comment on the empty nest thing because our daughter is only 19 months, but as I was reading through some of these posts I almost started to cry trying to visualize our lives without our daughter. what the heck would we do if we didn't have children?

Trying to picture her somewhere else besides our home makes me shudder. I do have 18 some odd years of watching her grow up to look forward to.

dable,
Those 18 years will go by very fast!
Once they're gone, there's nothing you can do to bring them back, or change them.
There will also be tears that come along with the additional years, both happy and sad.
Having a child does change everything, but in my opinion it's well worth it.

Dable, you may have 18 years to go, but it absolutely flies by, I just can't beleive mine are leaving.

Mother nature has this unique way of arranging it so that by the time your child is ready to leave home, you are fairly ready to let them. I had 3 out of 5 kids turn 18 before they finished HS. The rules were that as long as they lived in my house they would continue to live by my rules. It's usually a couple of weeks after the big birthday before things start to settle down again. To the I am an adult now thing, I add , but this adult will always be that adults mother. Do I miss them being little, yes. Do I want to do it again, no, I just visit with the grand kids. I wish I had more contact with the boys, the girls stayed fairly close, the boys moved away and are not very good about calling. I know they love me and appreacite what I did to raise them, but I wish I could have done better, chosen their dad better, not had to divorce. Never kid yourself, divorce is hard on kids, they never really forgive you, even if they understand why. Patricia

Hello, Patricia, welcome to A2K.

My 18 year old is a freshman in college and my 16 year old is a jr in HS. Still a couple years left before we're officially empty nesters but we see less and less of both girls these days.

It has been two years since my last child left home to go to college. I stayed home her last year of school and we did a lot togeather. She was my best and only friend. And now that she is gone I don't know what to do with myself. The one friend I did have moved away.