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Bi-polar bear
Bi-polar bear, that piece is priceless. But what can you expect from compassionate conservative ideologues hiding behind their hypocrisy?

bbb

Wonderful!

If you read it in Rushes voice, it is most excellent.

His voice as he rattles the papers he's reading from.

Elmer Gantry, Bill Bennett, and Rush Limbaugh sat together in a Las Vegas diner having breakfast. They were all featured speakers at the Hypocrites Anonymous World Conference (a digression to set the scene: poor Elmer was crammed into the side of the booth with Bennett because Rush said his boil was hurting, not that there would've been any more room over on that side anyway).

Preacher Gantry said, "What do you fellas want to do after the seminars?"

"I'm just going back up to my room to watch NFL football," Rush said. "I expect that some black quarterback will lead his team to victory, but I'm equally certain it will also be the damned liberal media's fault--pardon my Freedom, Pastor, " Rush winked. "Besides, my housekeeper--I brought her along for this trip with Marta and I to reward her for her excellent work of late--is preparing a nice little salad of cabbage and blue babes--errr, bleu cheese."

"I'm just going back to my room also, Minister," blurted Bennett. "Those heathens in the casinos make me sick, gambling away the rent money with every pull of the slot. I wish I could get to the elevator without walking past them."

Just then Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart ran up to their table, breathless.

"Guess what, Elmer! You'll never believe what we just saw! Jessica Hahn, Lulu Bains, and Debra Murphree are all Jello-wrasslin' over at Rick's Cabaret!"

"Now, you fellas know I don't go in for that sort of thing, at least not in public, and neither should y'all." The two defrocked pastors turned and ran before Elmer even finished his sentence.

"Never did think those two were the sharpest tools in the shed..." Gantry said. "Only got religion once they got caught," Limbaugh agreed. "Shouldn't have played the milk money; they didn't have to put their family at risk," Bennet nodded.

The waitress brought breakfast and the three men began eating, without saying a blessing.

"I've gambled all my life and it's never been a moral issue with me. I liked church bingo when I was growing up. I've been a poker player*," Bennett said, as a bit of scrambled egg launched out of his mouth onto Gantry's plate.

"Ever since those discs in my back and neck began to herniate, I've had to take medication," Limbaugh mumbled through a mouthful of sausage. "You know, over the years athletes and celebrities have emerged from treatment centers to great fanfare and praise for conquering great demons. They are said to be great role models and examples for others. Well, I am no role model.*"

Gantry nodded and spooned Cream of Wheat onto his white toast. He watched as the waitress--a matronly redhead with "Doris" pinned above her ample left breast--poured coffee refills for the table.

"I pray that someday the United States will be a moral nation*," Gantry said. Hear, hear, the Bookie of Virtue and the Man with Talent On Loan from God said in unison.

As he ate his breakfast, Gantry's mind wandered to something Sister Sharon Falconer said to him once:

"I guess I've been around sanctimonious folks too long. You're amusing and you smell like a real man.*"

How he longed for her! But he knew those times were gone forever.

As he glanced from one morbidly obese moralizer to the other, occasionally bumping elbows with Bennett, he couldn't help but think, why am I here? I never got caught pants-down, red-handed. I was always smart enough to skate over the thin ice without falling through.

Then he remembered: oh yeah; I'm fictional. :wink:

(* are their actual words.)

PDiddie
PDiddie, Outstanding!
BBB

Rush Limbaugh is hilarious. Now if only he had a liberal clone. If you turned to their stations on two different radios and put them on opposite sides of the room, they would both spin in opposite directions and for once everything would come to a screeching halt.